Frustrations, Frustrations

At one point in my life, I felt like I had potential to be someone. I was reasonably smart. I graduated among the top kids in my high school class, and I attended a decent college, where I graduated cum laude. In college, I abandon my dream of becoming a veterinarian, because I was intimidated by the math courses. That was probably the beginning of the "downfall," so to speak. Instead of biology, I chose to major in German. I was good in German, it came easy for me, but I didn't have the drive to apply it to more than just literature interpretations. After I graduated, instead of doing something practical, like obtaining a master's degree in teaching, I chose to work for AT&T as a customer care representative, a job which only required a high school diploma, certainly not one that reflected the $100K bachelor's degree I was toting around.

I hated the job at AT&T, although sadly, it will have been the highest paying job I have had since I graduated from college. After a year of it, I just couldn't take it any more. I called one day, and left a message on my supervisor's voicemail that I was quitting. Then I fumbled around for about a month, entered into a temp job working with adults with mental retardation and the rest is, well, history. I have been working in social services in some form or another ever since. I went briefly back to school after Jacob was born, thinking that a degree in Psychology would be beneficial, but after 3 semesters of extreme stress, and the realization that I didn't really want to listen to other people complain for a living, I dropped out, having achieved nothing except amassing another $12K in debt.

I now find myself in a job that offers very little challenges and very little reward. Sure, I enjoy working with people, and I think that I am good at it. But let's face it, the actual number of families that I get through to and make a life long impression with is minimal. I may help to ease a child's transition to preschool. I may help make the preschool experience fun for the child, and I may even be helpful in providing resources for the family that they didn't otherwise know about. I would venture to say, however, that a vast majority of these families remain in poverty for the rest of their lives. The majority of little guys, who we pray will work their way out of poverty, only grow up to repeat and perpetuate the cycle. Many of them will turn to drugs and alcohol. Many of them will abuse their own children. Much of the services, energy and effort I have put into my job will be, in many aspects, wasted.

A friend of mine talked to me recently about a study saying that despite previous thoughts, children whose parents are involved in a preschool with a reward-based parent involvement program do not go on to be involved with elementary and secondary schools, because the reward system has been removed. I have conflicting opinions on that idea. While I can see validity in it to some degree, I also believe that some aspects of parent involvement are a matter of comfort level. I believe that the program we provide does wonders to put parents at ease, allow them to make their own decisions about the level of involvement that is comfortable to them personally, and I believe that beginning a routine of educational involvement when their children are young helps them to continue to grow those values into elementary school and beyond. I believe that my place of employment's motivations are sincere, and I think that we all try very hard to model and provide resources that children and parents need to get beyond the poverty cycle.

The problem is not necessarily in our presentation, but rather in the motivations of those we are serving. Let me just get this out there, before anyone gets mad about what I am going to write: Not all of the families I serve are unmotivated or have skewed priorities. Just because someone is poor, doesn't mean that they don't care about their children. I have a number of families who are indeed wonderful parents, involved with their children, and working hard to keep their heads above water. Some of those families will succeed. It's just terribly disappointing that the number of success stories are so few and far between.

There are so many compounding factors in our families lives - abuse, neglect, substance abuse, financial crisis, homelessness -to name a few. Many people are dealing with multiple factors at once. For many, day to day living is a struggle, and preschool (heck, school in general) is just not the priority. If I were faced with finding the funds to feed my children, possibly sleeping on the street or in a car, or wondering where to score my next drug fix, whether or not my child read his ABC book tonight would be on the bottom of my to-do list too. What I am saying is that there has to be a better way to fix the problems that our families are facing - something other than simply giving them money, food and counseling that they don't heed anyway. Our nation is falling apart and our future, our children, are bearing the brunt.

I personally feel very unmotivated, very frustrated, and very ill at ease. Maybe it's ten years in the field. Perhaps I have become jaded, unable to look as positively on situations as I did years ago. Maybe it's a mourning of my own wasted potential. If I had done things differently, would I feel better about myself? Would I feel like I was doing more, contributing more to society? Or would I just be oblivious to the many struggles facing youth today, because I wouldn't see the enormous socio-economic conundrums on a daily basis? Maybe it's concern about the world that is being created for my own children and grandchildren. Maybe it's a little bit of anger in knowing just how much money I have spent in education, tax dollars, charitable contributions and time, to support people who in many ways are doing little to support themselves. I'm betting it's a large sum of all of the above and then some.

We are wasting money, wasting resources, giving handouts and not teaching people to sustain themselves. I know a few people, myself at one point included, who utilize public assistance as it was intended - as a temporary relief, the break you need to get focused, to do what you need to get back on your feet and become self-reliant. So many people do not use welfare as a crutch anymore, but rather as a way of life, an expectation of entitlement. How do we change that mindset? How do we motivate people to care about themselves? I don't know. It seems to me as if the whole nation has become depressed. Like me, it can look back and say, "I used to have potential. I used to be at the top of the class, but now...now, I'm just struggling to get by."

I can barely speak German any more. I wouldn't even attempt to say I have a chance at becoming a veterinarian at this point in my life. Maybe the United States took the same downward spiral as I did, one small misinformed decision at a time. We are going, as a whole, from someone to no one important at all.

Not Quite Fall

We had grand plans today to go on a hike up Chimney Rocks after Jacob's soccer game. Two of my friends and their kids, as well as the boys and I were going to meet up and explore. For those of you who aren't local, Chimney Rocks is an overlook of our town. It used to be just rough trails, but several years ago, they renovated it, paved some areas, improved some of the trails and cleared out a large area for grass and a small (and very strange) playground. I say strange, because it is bizarre equipment. No slide or swings, just abstract shapes and climbing areas. Not suitable for young kids. My boys are always disappointed when they get up close and realize it's not so fun after all.

Aside from the playground, it's very nice. It's well maintained and a great place to go in the fall, if you are looking for some spectacular views of the town beneath. Our grand plans were shattered, however, when my friends bailed on me. Upon hearing that it he would have just me and Andrew as company, Jacob bailed too, choosing to spend the day with my parents instead. So, instead of letting it spoil our day, Andrew and I went alone to Chimney Rocks to explore. It hasn't been cool enough yet for the leaves to change significantly, so the view was very nice, but not the rainbow of color I had been longing for. Rather than be bummed out about missing the gorgeous fall view, we wandered around the park, picking up sticks and checking out all the rocks. In my opinion, it ended up being nicer without the rest of the crew, because no one had to adhere to Andrew's schedule, wants or needs, aside from me. No battles, no whining. Just hanging out, checking out the town, picking up sticks and then heading home. We made our own fun!

I would like to go back in a few weeks, when fall is in full swing, because it really is a beautiful place. I can remember hiking up there long, long ago when my mom first met my dad. I would have been 9 or 10. It was rough hiking then (well, as rough as it gets for taking grade-schoolers) - no prepared paths or bathroom facilities, anyway. Instead of saying outright that he had to pee, Terry said "I have to go see a man about a horse." My sister looked at my mom and excitedly said, "Oh boy! We're getting a horse!" What a disappointment it was to her when she found out the truth. There was no horse talk today, just sticks, rocks and fresh air, and another family memory passed along!

"Hey, Mom! I think I see our house!" (You can't see our house, but you can see my parent's)

"Do not cross this line."

"Are there bears around here? I heard something big up there!"

I took this myself! Is that professional grade photography or what?

Part of Chimney Rocks from the inside of the park

Jacob joined the Cub Scouts. His first day was last week. Here he is before his first meeting, posing with my dad.

Super Jacob will protect our home at all costs!

"Don't worry, Mom. I'll hold down this rowdy lamppost!"

"See, a little muscle and it's all straightened out!"

Sunday's Summary

Well, the first Steeler party hosted at our house was a success. It was most memorable for the game, of course. For those of you who follow football, I'm sure you saw that the Steelers had an incredible win, starting with the very first play. I am not a true football fan, so I can't comment much on the game itself. All I know is that throughout the house, on the porch, and probably down the street, the constant cheers of the Williams family could be heard!

It was a great day for a gathering, and I believe that everyone had a good time. One thing I learned, however, is that 42 meatballs is not enough to feed the small army that I lovingly call my in-laws. I RAN OUT of meatballs!!! I have never run out of food before, and I felt like a terrible hostess. How embarassing! Greg had to run to the local market and buy a bag of pre-made meatballs so that people could finish their meals! Next time we host a party we won't have meatballs, but for any other time in the future when we choose a similar menu, I will be sure to quadruple the recipe! On a better note, the pie was a real hit...so much so, that I made another one last night for us to eat tonight. Poor Jacob isn't a cake eater, but the adults gobbled up the pie before he had a chance to get a piece. I thanked him for sacrificing his pie (What a tremendous sacrifice, right?!) Tonight, Jake can feast on all the blueberry goodness that he wants!

"Hey, lookie! This Frankenstein head is filled with Hershey Kisses!"

Just like his mother, Andrew is happiest when eating chocolate!

"No, those wrappers are not mine. I don't know who ate all that chocolate."

" Maybe just one more...then I'm done. I promise.

This is the look kids get before they enter a complete chocolate coma.

A toast to the Steelers!

Excuse me, Sir, but is that mouse on your head?

I think the pie was a hit with Fred!

Greg and Scott get ready for the big game.

On My Mind

What's been on my mind lately? Not a whole heck of a lot, by the looks of my blog! While that's not entirely true (I always have something brewing in my head), it is true that things have been relatively status-quo in our home. That's a good thing, for sure! Status-quo for us, as you all know, may mean nothing bad is happening, but it certainly doesn't mean that nothing at all is happening. In fact, true to our nature, we have been as busy as ever.

Jacob continues to have soccer twice a week and just joined the cub scouts as well. The two activities will overlap for about a month, and then it will just be scouting for him. I was never a mom in favor of signing my child up for tons of activities. I would like him to pick one and give it his all, maybe two if his grades are good and we have time as a family.

Jake continues to adjust to the new school. I meet with his teacher on Tuesday to talk about how he's doing. He has gotten prizes the last two Fridays for good behavior all week, and I think that is spectacular! I'm very proud of him and I can't wait to talk to her to find out more.

Andrew is, well, Andrew. He's changing day by day, learning more and more, sometimes for the good and sometimes not. Just this evening, he said, "Mom, there's sompin' on my shorts." "What's on your shorts?" I said. His response? "Shit. There's shit on my shorts." Like I said, it's not always for the best! (And, for the record, DAD gets credit for that one!)

Tomorrow we are hosting our first seasonal Steeler's party. Now, for those of you who remember when I could barely make myself cereal, let alone a pie (Marsha, Donna, Norma...pumpkin pie memories should be springing forth in your minds!), I have posted some pictures of just what all I did today. And, keep in mind that there is more I have to make tomorrow morning, like Marsha's delicious bean and avacado dip!

Here we go:

It's not just a Steeler party, it's also Greg's daughter's birthday celebration. OK, so I'm far from a cake decorator, but rest assured that this cake will be delectable!

Then, I whipped up this delicious and healthy salad, complete with homemade dressing.

I made some of my mom's secret recipe macaroni salad. Not such a healthy dish, but yummy, no less!

I made 42 meatballs to be slow cooked tomorrow and put into sandwiches!

I made a blueberry pie FROM SCRATCH, just for my dear brother-in-law, Fred and sister-in-law, Dalann. It's their anniversary, and I know that blueberry pie is Fred's favorite! This shot is of the inside, before I put the top pastry on, just to prove that I actually did make a pie!

The finished product...smells delicious! I hope that dear Uncle Freddie enjoys it!

I even squeezed in time to fill these nifty party favors for the kids, each complete with a squishy mouse on top! (Jacob's favorite holiday is Halloween, so this party is a Steeler-birthday-anniversary-halloween bash! I dare you to just try and beat that combination!)

As if I didn't spend enough time in the kitchen, I whipped up some homemade tapioca pudding for Greg and me for a bed-time snack tonight! This is a first for me, so I'll let you know how it turned out.

And this lovely tv center mini Steeler shrine is all Greg's work.

Here's to a great day tomorrow! Go Steelers! Happy Birthday, SaraBeth, Happy Anniversary Dalann and Fred, and BOO!

Just Pictures

The embodiment of The Cowardly Lion.

Sometimes even arch-rivals put their feelings aside for the sake of a snuggle!

Hamming it up while wearing my sunglasses.

Sunglasses? For your eyes? No, silly. They are the latest in "hard shelled" bikini tops!

A cigar smokin' Grandma, just what every boy needs backing him up!

My Little Catholic Boy

Jacob has officially made it through one week of Catholic school, and is now half way through his second week. So far it has been a relatively smooth transition. If you ask Jacob, he will tell you that he is still adjusting to life at his new school. He will also tell you that he doesn't like it much, and that he would prefer to go back to his old school. I'm sure those statements are true enough. Change, even when it's for the better, is still change and not necessarily easy.

Nonetheless, the changes that I have seen in him over the last week and a half have been good changes, whether he wants to admit it or not. He has been much more talkative, and informative. He's been cooperative doing his homework, and generally nicer to us - even to Andrew!

Yesterday he was humming a tune in the car. "Mom, do you recognize that song I'm singing?"

"No, sorry. I don't."

"It's the song we sing when we go to church at school. Want me to sing the first verse for you?"

Of course I said yes, and he sang it for me. Aside from when he was a toddler, I don't remember him singing for me at all, let alone a church song! It was really sweet. Then he asked me if I would go with them the next time they went to mass. I was really excited to hear him be excited about going to church.

I think the religious aspect of the Catholic school is great. Honestly, it wasn't my main reason for choosing the school, but in the last week, I have come to be very grateful for integrated religion. I never thought much about public schools omitting God from their curriculum. I always felt that it was the parent's responsibility to instill those values in their children. For what it's worth, we have tried to instill a love of God in both of our boys. Having it as part of his every day learning, coming not just from his parents, but also from ALL of the adults he looks up to, has been a wonderful re-inforcer.

He needs to memorize several (like 6 by the end of the year) prayers. We are starting off with The Lord's Prayer and The Hail Mary. We've been reading them every day as well as saying them at night before bed. A few nights ago, I asked him if he knew what they meant. He shook his head no, so I went through each prayer, line by line, and explained to him what exactly he was saying. Since then, he seems to be more readily memorizing them. They have meaning to him, and he can relate them to his own life. They are comforting prayers, and I am glad that he is exploring and expanding on his own spiritual growth.

This morning he came down from his bedroom and began talking to me about the money he has saved. He has plans to roll his coins, and move so much money to specific "accounts." One of the accounts is a charity bank he has been contributing to for a while. I said, "I think it's a great idea to take some of your money and put it in your charity bank. You need to think about what kind of charity you want to donate to, and when you have a good amount of money saved, we will make the donation." He asked what kind of charities he could pick from and I listed a few categories for him to think about: children who need homes, pets who need homes, children and adults who are sick, people who don't have enough to eat, etc.

Jacob has always been a very sweet and thoughtful child, but somewhere in the last two years, the egocentric aspect of every child's personality began to be more prominent in him. It wasn't that he didn't talk about doing nice things, or ever do an occasional good deed, but that those "selfish" thoughts and actions became more uncommon than not. In the last two weeks, I have seen the positive thought processes and actions becoming more and more prominent instead. He is becoming aware of his blessings, grateful for them, and wanting to give to those less fortunate. Perhaps religion wasn't my deciding factor, but for the time being, it seems to be primary after-effect of attending Catholic school. Let's pray that the positive trend continues into his attitude about academics, and that he continues to so openly foster the budding little Catholic boy within.

The Kids Said...

Time for another posting of funny things (or at least things I think are funny) that my kids said. Where to start? Well, here we go...

Andrew has several things he says incorrectly right now. Among them are:

Teetle, instead of turtle.

He calls his diapers "Pull-ons" or "Pull-offs," depending on what kind of mood he is in. Whichever one he chooses, it's never "Pull-ups!"

The worst, or funniest, however you decide, was when he recently decided to say "FWuck" instead of truck. Don't ask me why. He could say truck perfectly clear. Then one day he simply started saying "fwuck." Well, Greg thought that was simply hysterical, and encouraged him to say "Holy Truck," or rather, "Holy Fwuck!" Luckily the "fwuck" phase only lasted about a week, but the other day I heard Andrew exclaim, "Holy Truck, Mom!" in utter excitement.

Um....thanks, Dad.
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Andrew isn't the only one who says things incorrectly. Among Jacob's recent mispronunciations are:

Yackee Candle.

Clift, as is, he drove his car off the clift.

And the characters in the Star Wars movies are affectionately known as "Dark Vader" and the "Clomes" in this household!
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Now, onto some more long-winded stories...

I posted a while ago about the resurrection of our fish tank. We had it running smoothly, the fish were thriving, but we just couldn't get the water to stay clear. So, on the advice of my sister-in-law, Monique, I decided to buy a snail. One day after I picked Andrew up from pre-school, I said, "Andrew, do you want to go get a snail?" "Yeah!" he said, "I want to cut my nails!" How wonderful that he's so cooperative with nail trimmings! By the way, the snail worked. The water is clear! Thanks, Monique!
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One day, while Jacob and I were taking a walk, he said, "Mom, I might not like trying a lot of new foods, but there is one thing that I am so glad I tried."

"Oh, really? What?"

"Root beer. I'm so glad I tried that when I was smaller. It's one of my favorites now."

Boy, I sure bet that it took some getting used to root beer too, didn't it?!
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One day Greg, Andrew and I were sitting at the table. Greg skeptically read a headline from the local newspaper out loud, "BP Officials Will Eat Gulf Fish." Andrew looked at me and very seriously said, "Mom, BP eats Gulf fish."
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When we were uniform shopping for Jacob, he wanted to know why they all had to ear the same thing. I explained that it looked nice and that it was just part of the rules in going to a Catholic school. Some jobs have uniforms, like nurses, and some schools do too. He let out a long sigh and said, "but how will they tell us apart?" I guess he forgot that everyone has their own facial features!
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Before Jacob started class in the new school, we attended the back to school picnic so he could meet some of his classmates. My niece, Brooke went to Hollidaysburg Catholic last year and was more than happy to introduce him to the kids as well as to his teacher. Jacob had a great time. When we left, he said to me, "Mom, even though my life is sometimes hard and painful, I'm happy I live in this family." I thought, "even though my life is sometimes hard...I wonder what that means?" But I decided to pursue the good part first.

"What do you like about living in this family?" I said.

"Well, I'm happy I have really nice cousins to play with and show me around. And I'm happy I have you, and Mimi and Pap and Greg."

"That's nice, Buddy. We are happy to have you too! What's hard about your life, though?"

"Well, sometimes Andrew hurts me when he throws toys at me or hits me. And one time Mimi hurt me when she snuck up on me in the bathroom and scared me. I jumped and hit the closet door and it left a big scratch on my back. And then there was the time that Mimi opened the car door on my head when I was 2 and caused brain damage."

This might not be funny to all of you, but I find it hysterical. When Jacob was 18 months old, my poor mom didn't know that he was running behind her and she opened the car door right into his forehead. It left a HUGE goose egg on his head, and a bright red line where the door made impact, like a seam running down the center of his forehead. It actually left a permanent indentation in his forehead that is still present today. She was mortified. I think she cried harder than he did when it happened, and for two weeks after, every time she looked at him, she cried again. Now, Jacob cannot possibly remember the incident. All he knows is that there is a dent in his forehead caused by my mom, and every chance he gets, he reminds her that she caused him undue pain. Him saying that his life was "hard and painful" was definitely an eye-rolling statement!