Budding Photographer

I have approximately one bazillion photos from our Christmas celebrations to date.  I know you are all dying to see 567 photos of the kids in pajamas, me with no-make up, Gram and Pap stuffing their faces, and aunts and uncles galore.  Don't worry.  I'll get around to posting them (a lot are on Facebook already).  Having such big families and such wonderful friends means that we still have a few parties to go, so I thought I would wait and post all of the pictures at once.  It'll be a virtual Christmas extravaganza!  

Did you ever wonder what all that celebrating looks like to your kids?  I can remember parties during my childhood.  The big family party that we will be hosting tomorrow has been a tradition for decades.  Sometimes I look at my parents, my grandfather, my aunts and uncles and marvel in the way my relationship with them has changed.  I still feel like a child when I think about my family, but as I approach 40, it's all to evident that I am far from little anymore.  It's almost surreal, the way we change and evolve.  It's a wonderful thing in some ways (in that I'm privileged to know my family as adults,  instead of just from a child's perspective), and not so much in others (in that I am the one who has to do all the clean-up after the party).   I can still see the adults sitting in my grandparents' game room, laughing and talking, the fire roaring, the tree by the bar all lit and decorated, waiting for Santa to arrive.  I wonder how my kids see us, what our parties look like to them.  Well, this week I was lucky enough to find some true gems amidst all of my Christmas photos.  Andrew grabbed my camera at Greg's family's party and snapped away.  Most of the photos were close-ups of the walls or of people's clothing - barely recognizable, but some of them weren't so bad!  I was glad to get a quick glimpse of Andrew's child's eye-view.  However correct or flawed it may be, it made me smile too look at us from his height.  Take a look: 

There's my dad and Uncle Ryan, drinking beers and taking pictures.

Dad...going for more beer.  I think I see a pattern here! 

Uncle Ryan is pretty talented.  He can take pictures while holding a baby! 

That looks like a good box to climb in! It's colorful and has zippers too! 

Finally, some people on my level! 

Ahhhh...my beloved box! 

I took her camera, so she has to use the phone to take pictures.  The woman is a photo-fanatic! 

I hope this Christmas brought you great joy, no matter what your perspective! I know we had a great one! 

That's The Spirit

I have been working in social services for about 14 years now, the last 10 of which have been spent working with families living in crisis and/or poverty.  I've delivered Christmas gifts to all kinds of families in all kinds of situations and in all kinds of places.  I've taken gifts to women seeking the protection of the domestic abuse shelter.  I spent many afternoons supervising Christmas visitation between parents and their foster-cared-for children in a visit building that was not much more than a suped-up garage with carpeting, a couple of couches, a table and a microwave.  I've dropped off gifts to trailer parks, hotel rooms and subsidized housing developments.  I've smashed gifts between screen doors, tucked them under porch furniture, left them with the neighbors.  I've watched parents let their children open the gifts right in front of me and wondered what they were going to do on Christmas morning.  I've also watched parents cry with joy because their children won't have to wake up to an empty living room on Christmas morning.  The specifics change, but it seems like every year, the basis is the same, and I always leave the homes of the families I serve with my heart feeling a little less than all-aglow.

I said in a previous blog that the inflated warm-heartedness of this season bothers me a little.  I lied.  It bothers me a lot.  Don't get me wrong, I think the feel-good stories of people helping others are great.  I love them.  Chances are I probably cried watching that you video posted to Facebook earlier this week.  It's just that these stories are often little more than band aids in a very wounded society.  We don't often see the follow-up to those videos - what happens years down the line, if people are continuing to overcome and succeed, or if they have fallen back into the grip of whatever ailed them - drugs, alcohol, poverty, or whatever other struggle they may be facing.

When social workers say that there's little pay in human services, but that there are likewise great rewards, they speak the truth.  Sometimes I get to see people rise above major hurdles and do remarkable things with their lives.  Sometimes I'm even lucky enough to know that I was an influential part of their success.  I have a few stories like that.  One family I worked with for several years was able to buy a house and move out of a terrible neighborhood into a really nice area.  On the last visit I had with the family, the mom proudly took me on a tour through her new home.  I will never forget her excitement that day, and how excited I was for her.  As I stood at my car door, about to leave, I said, "Congratulations again, guys.  You have accomplished so much."  The dad looked at me and said, "We couldn't have done it without your support.  You encouraged us and gave us the information we needed to make it happen.  Thank you."  I cried as I drove back to work - joyful tears because I knew in my heart that this particular family was secure.  Those are the big rewards, and when they happen, they're absolutely amazing, but they're unfortunately not the norm.   More often than not, social work provides us with glimpses of hope followed by repeated set-backs.   What we see and do on a routine basis isn't the material of Facebook videos.  It's real life, real struggles, real people, real heartache.

Every year, the Olive Garden in Altoona kindly puts up a tree with 200 names of our Head Start kids and their Christmas wishes.  They are the sweetest people - the Olive Garden workers.  As the gifts come back to them, they stack them neatly into boxes.  They have helped me load the car with toys for our pre-schoolers in sub-zero weather, in rain, snow and sleet, and I have never once heard a grumble.  I take the gifts back to our center and the case managers and I sort and deliver them to their rightful owners.  It can be a very uplifting experience.  It's wonderful to see the generosity of the public coming through for our children. Knowing that I have helped to provide a Christmas to families who otherwise would have very little is gratifying.  I'm happy to do it.  In fact, I would do it without pay if I needed to, and I'd bet my last dollar that most of my staff would do the same - because this job isn't about a pay check.  In fact, it has very little to do with the money.  We do these things because we truly love our families.  We love the kiddos, and we root for the parents every day.  But it's that love and genuine encouragement of our families that makes our job just as heartbreaking as it is heartwarming.

A few years ago, I dropped off a huge bag of gifts to a mother on my case load.  I didn't buy the gifts.  I merely delivered them.  Some anonymous donor in the community bought her little one a beautifully girly bed set - comforter, pillows, sheets, matching curtains and a little throw rug.  They tucked it all inside an awesome red velvet bag, just like Santa would carry and then threw in a few wrapped boxes of toys and clothes just for the heck of it.  When I gave the presents to this mom, she wept.  I can still see us standing in her doorway, going through the gifts gently enough not to disturb the wrapping, but enough to satisfy our curiosity.  She exclaimed joyful cries with each discovery, as if she herself were receiving the gift of a lifetime.  It was wonderful to see someone so grateful.  I felt privileged to be the one to make that delivery and spend those moments of joy with her.   That scene could have easily been on a Facebook video.  She was so happy, and I was happy for her.  When I was about 2 miles into my drive back to work, I wept too, but for a different reason.

I frequently try to put myself in the position of the parents I am working with.  I think it helps me to be less judgmental, to understand their motivations a little better, to keep my own values and upbringing from shadowing my expectations of others.  Sometimes I am better at it than others, and some days it is helpful, sometimes not.  That day I had a very hard time coming to any solid conclusions.  I thought over and over about how would it feel to be that mom - to know that I was not able to provide the most basic needs for my children (these gifts, remember, were clothes and bedding, not an iPad or an XBox), to have been worried that my little girl would wake up to nothing under the tree and lose the illusion of Christmas magic at 4 years of age, to be so relieved to know that we had been taken care of by some generous soul for one more Christmas.  Would I feel grateful and joyous or would I feel sad and deflated?  Would I (with my personal upbringing and belief system) be able to accept the gifts of others like she had?  I don't know.  Believe me, I am not placing judgement on anyone who gets Christmas assistance - not by a long shot.  I'm just saying that having been in a position (somewhat) to help others most of my life, I don't know that I personally would be able to take gifts from someone else.  But maybe I would for the sake of my kids.  That's the point - I don't know.  I don't know what it's like to be in the position of 95% of the families we serve, and for that I am simultaneously grateful for my own blessings and heartbroken for their struggles.

This year, I took Andrew with me while I delivered a few gifts.  I shouldn't really have had him with me, but it's the way things worked.  I could tell by the expression on his face, and the lack of words from his mouth that he was unsure of the situations we were in.  While I don't want to scare him, I also think it's good for my boys to see that not everyone lives a life as "easy" as we do.  I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but until they see it first hand, it's just words.  Likewise, I want him to see the ease with which I carry myself in different situations.  I have a lot of deficits, but I will say that one of my strengths is the ability to adapt to the environment I am in.  I can talk with big words to my college professor friends, and I can laugh loudly and swear like a sailor with more colorful folk.  What I really want my children to see, however - what is much more important than the ability to modify terminology and methods of communication - is that I (try to) treat all people with the same courtesies.  I want them to see that everyone deserves respect and dignity, whether they are family, friends, neighbors or Joe the homeless man in a box downtown.

No, I never felt good delivering a garbage bag full of gifts to the shelter.  It didn't make me feel good to supervise a 2 hour Christmas visitation either.  But I guess it's better than nothing.  I can take some comfort knowing that I did as much as I could.   At least I know that the parents have gifts for their kiddos on Christmas morning, that they will squeak by with at least one more year of believing in Christmas magic.  And I was able to give some families a few hours of together time when they otherwise wouldn't have seen each other at all.  There are a lot of questions and a lot of dilemmas that have no good solution, and the older I get, the greater my awareness of these struggles is.  I don't have the answers.  Much like those videos on Facebook, most times all I can give is a band-aid and a prayer and hope that it holds tight until the next dam opens.

What I do know is that I am grateful for what I have, and for what I take for granted way too often.  Each year on Christmas morning, I have a least one moment when I look out over the chaos of paper and toys at my family - my sisters, my brother-in-laws, my nieces, my parents, my husband and my own children (yes, we all open gifts together before the sun comes up) - and I think not only about how blessed we are, but also about the family who is opening gifts at a homeless shelter,  or about the family whose children are in foster care.  I'm simultaneously sad for those who have less, and grateful for what is under my roof.  This year, as we celebrate another Christmas together - another Christmas with my dad, and with him healthy enough to make dinner for us on Christmas Eve and Dutch Babies for us on Christmas morning, another Christmas with all 4 grandchildren opening gifts under one roof, with a 13 foot Christmas tree, hot coffee in our cups and love in our hearts (and maybe a few curse words in our heads as we tackle "some assembly required"), I will celebrate the greatest gift that I have been given - having had the sheer luck of being born into a large and supportive family, and the love and joy that abounds.

No matter what this Christmas may hold for you, I hope that you are blessed with warmth and joy of those you love, that your bellies are full, that your house is as warm as your heart.  I hope that you are able to look through your exhaustion, beyond your annoying intoxicated and over-bearing Aunt Rita, and past the frustration of "some assembly required" to see the bigger picture.  It doesn't matter what's under the tree or where we gather.  It only matters that we are grateful and that we love one another.   Merry Christmas from our house to yours!  God Bless!

Elfin Apathy

A day or two after Thanksgiving, I sat down at the computer for several hours and looked up various ideas for our Elf on the Shelf.  I actually made a list of things I could do with him and posted it to the back of the fridge for future reference!  I had all kinds of plans to have the elf, whose name is W.T, crepe paper the boys into their rooms, to have photo shoots with the dinosaurs, and to take a "bubble" bath with marshmallows in the bathroom sink.  Guess what?  None of that actually happened.  

The first night was easy enough: he made the announcement of his arrival.  The second night, I did pretty well and had him bring all of the ingredients for us to make chocolate chip cookies.  By the third night, I was burned out.  Or maybe I was tipsy.  I don't remember, but I know that it only took three nights for me to decide that completing all these uber-creative elf scenes was more effort than it was worth!  It took me a whopping 5 nights to forget to move the elf completely!  Nothing like a mad rush at 5 a.m. to reposition the elf before the kids get up to get your morning juices flowing!  I've talked to many moms and dads about the elf, and I know that I am not alone in my semi-enthusiastic, semi-stressed, semi-lackadaisical elf attitude.  I have good intentions, but to be honest, I find the elf to truly be a PITA sometime! 

Here's a brief overview, minus some nights, of our elf's adventure' thus far: 

W.T. is back, and ready for action! 

He got out everything but the eggs! 

"I'm hungry for cookies."  

Demanding little bugger, isn't he? 

There's nothing better than an elf on ice.

"Those cookies were awesome!" 

"I like the view from up here!"

Taking a moment to color, tickle some Christmas carols out of the ivories and perhaps read some advent calendar news.

"Oh, Santa!  How do I love you?  Let me count the ways!" 

It's not terribly impressive, is it?  Despite my fall from Most Highly Motivated Elf Assistant Ever to Lazy-Ass, Minimal-Effort-Exerting Elf Repositioner, the boys are still tickled with WT.  Sometimes even the best laid plans fall through, and sometimes they fall through for a reason.  I'm not comparing our elf to anyone else's elf.  Nor am I comparing the amount of thought that I put into his location to anyone else's.  It is what it is, and minimal elf effort doesn't make me any less of a parent than maximum elf effort would make me a better one.  The  elf is just another example of how I am simplifying the season.  I have decided that if the mainstream Christmas expectations are stressing me out, then they are working against the Christmas spirit, not for it.  I'm not necessarily cutting those things out, but I'm trimming them back.  I'm trading ~ fewer gifts, fewer decorations and fewer cards for less stress, more peace, more time with friends and family without the nagging to-do list running through my brain.  It's more than a fair trade, in my opinion.   I hope you all can do the same, in whatever way feels right to you.  I read and hear so many people bemoaning the stress of the holidays, and it makes me sad - sad because I can totally relate, and sad because it doesn't have to be so tense.  Find your happy medium, and let go of the worries about keeping up with the Jones.  Chances are that the Jones don't know what's best either, and I guarantee they don't know what's best for me!

Now, enough of all this sentimental mumbo-jumbo.... I think I have an elf to move!

Colossal Christmas Tree Take 2!

On Saturday, we made our annual trek to JB Tree Farm in search of the perfect Christmas tree.  Both Greg and I have been going to JB Tree Farm since we were little, and we love that we have the ability to carry on the tradition with our boys.  There were a number of people out tree hunting, but it wasn't terribly crowded.  As usual, it went amazingly smooth.  We jumped in the horse-drawn wagon and rode out to the field.  Typically, Greg and I look at the map and figure out where we want to be dropped off, but it seems like we always end up walking around aimlessly anyway, so this year we just decided to get off wherever the horses stopped!  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it turned out that there were no trees to our liking where they dropped us.  We ended up taking a nice long hike to the other end of the tree farm (I'm guessing about 3/4 mile) until we found a grouping of trees that were just right.  We spied a big one, cut it down and dragged it to the roadside where another wagon was so nicely waiting to cart our butts (and tree) back to the store.  We had our traditional hot chocolate, and then loaded the tree onto the roof of the car.  Amazingly, Greg and I were able to get the tree into the house without the help of any other men.  Greg is very strong, and I'm in pretty good shape too, but a tree that is 13 feet long and 6 feet wide is still a mighty feat!  I was proud of us!  The lights went on without a hitch, and we decorated the tree while listening to Christmas carols and drinking spiced cranberry cider (Greg's and mine were spiked with spiced rum).  Aside from the expected mini-tantrum or two from the boys, it was a wonderful day ~ something out of a Hallmark movie!  Even the cat sat with us while we decorated, and didn't disturb the tree at all.  I have seen many posts about cats eating, climbing and otherwise destroying trees, but Sam has been happy just sitting under it and taking an occasional drink from the tree stand!  I'm feeling very blessed all around.  

Pre-hunt photo op! 

"Over the river and through the woods..."  OK, there wasn't a river, the woods were debatable and grandma had nothing to do with the day, but the horse definitely knew the way!  

Normal people use their sense of sight to determine which tree they like best.  Andrew, however, is not normal.  He used his rather discerning sense of taste to chose the our tree.  A bit of advice for anyone heading out to JB Tree Farm: if you feel the urge to lick a pine tree on your hike, I would suppress the urge as much as possible.  I'm fairly certain that Andrew marked every tree in about 2 square acres! 

After all that walking, we found the right one!

Ain't she pretty 

(No, I don't mean me...unless your answer is yes, in which case, of course I mean me!) 

"Jacob, don't you just LOVE Christmas?"

"Yeah, Andrew, but I could use just a little less "Christmas Spirit" from you right now!" 

An annual tree hunting trek isn't complete without photos of butts sticking out from under the tree, so here you go.  Andrew is above and Jake is below! 

Unleashing the beast 

Trimmings with my baby

Andrew helps dad with the finishing touch while Jake takes a snack break in the background.

"Hey mom, do you think Sam will pull the bulbs off of the tree this year?" 

There is it in it's entirety.  Andrew had to go to bed before we took pictures.  A long hike in the woods, and a full day of Christmas activities knocked him out.  But don't worry, they'll be lots of opportunities for photos over the next few weeks! 

Yes, Jake.  Really.  Lots and lots of photo opportunities!

On Saturday night, I woke to the smell of pine in the air.  I was actually alarmed at first, and thought that maybe I was smelling a fire.   Once I realized what it was, I settled.  I laid awake in the bed for a few moments just absorbing the blessings that surround me ~ my two boys tucked sweetly in their beds, the cat at my feet, my lightly snoring husband beside me, a fragrant tree in my living room, and a home full of love and warmth and Christmas goodness.  And despite my typical bah-humugish temperament this time of year, I actually thought, "They might be right.  It could be 'the most wonderful time of the year.'"

Let The Festivities Begin!

Oh my!  What a weekend!  I've been off work since Wednesday, and while it's been a blast, it certainly hasn't been quiet!  On Wednesday, I finished all of my Christmas wrapping.  I only have 3 gifts left to buy, and I can't get them until right before Christmas, and they won't need wrapping, so I'm done, done, done!  I also finished my home decorating (except for our tree - that's next weekend's adventure).  The cards are all that's left on the Christmas to-do list, and I only ordered cards for immediate family this year.  Sorry to those friends who have traditionally gotten cards from me in the past.  It's not about you, it's totally me.  I'm am all about streamlining and simplifying this year.  I bought much fewer gifts, spent half as much money as last year, and I'm also cutting back on the time I'm spending completing the seemingly obligatory tasks of the season.  The holidays aren't supposed to be stressful.  They are supposed to be about spending time with friends and family and reflecting on our blessings, things which can be done much more easily without the inflated do-it-all-have-it-all mentality.   I'm trying to make it through to the new year without stressing about money or time, and so far, so good!

On Thursday, we traveled to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving with my family.  We had great weather for driving, and had a wonderful day gathered with some of our favorite people.  

Andrew, Ella and Jake pose for a pre-dinner photo.

There was some serious contemplation of the turkey this year.

And more than a little celebration of him too! (Wine may or may not have played a part in the celebration.) 

"Mom!  I'm hungry!  Take the picture already!" 

I don't think Jake appreciates my photo-documentation of family events anymore.  

These kids take after my heart - dessert is the reason for the season!  

Andrew and Ella break the wishbone.

Andrew got his wish! 

The boys were amazingly well-behaved on Thursday.

 Brynn is another kid who doesn't appreciate my photography skills! 

My sister snuggled up with her nephews and daughters.

"Another picture, Aunt Koelle??  You've got to be kidding me!" 

On Friday we decorated the house and then trekked downtown for our local tree-lighting ceremony.  There was hot chocolate all around - a must-have when you stand outside in 30 degree weather! 

Dad's shoulders offer a better view of the tree. 

On Saturday, Andrew ran his first official race with me - the Turkey Trot.  It was freezing cold, but he was a trooper...and a fast trooper at that!  He had fun, and he finished the whole 2 miles on his own!  I'm hoping that I have a budding runner on my hands!  It was awesome to run with him! 

We met up with his buddy and they ran together for part of the race.  

Crossing the finish line.  A 10 minute mile isn't too shabby when you're 5!  And see that lady videoing him with her phone to the left of the picture?  That's a local news reporter.  Watch WTAJ on Monday at 6, and see Andrew featured in her Healthy Kids segment!  His first race, and he's already a featured athlete!  

As if that wasn't enough, my mom took the boys to Kennywood for a Christmas light-up night last night.  They had so much fun!  Today we are meeting a friend at Pizza Hut to redeem the kids' Book-it coupons.  AND that pesky elf returned over the weekend too!  

It started off pretty low-key, with just a friendly hello note, but then...

...he quickly became very comfortable in his surroundings!  He's a demanding little bugger - asking me to make cookies right off the bat!  

But of course, we obliged.  The elf, much like Andrew, apparently doesn't have very refined taste.  Like I said before, if they think my cookies are good, then I'll keep baking!  

This morning, he was camped out inside my fridge...who knows what tomorrow will bring!  

Hope everyone out there had a great Thanksgiving long weekend, and that you were able to steal some time with those you love the most!  We're moving through the holiday season fast now! Happy December, everyone!

P.S.  I'm leaving you all to ponder Andrew's question of the day:    "Why doesn't the elf have feet?"  Any takers?