Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

Although I was given some wonderful opportunities as a child to expand my horizons, I still had a very sheltered upbringing.  I went to a good school where accepting other cultures was emphasized.  My own family (well, mostly) always spoke nicely about embracing people's differences.  I traveled all around the United States and was even sent abroad twice before I graduated from high school.  I left home feeling pretty good about my lack of bias towards others.  Nonetheless, when I got into the "real world,"  I realized that I certainly had my share of preconceived notions.

Reality is that we are all influenced by our upbringing.  The difference between short-sighted intolerance, and open-mindedness lies in the ability to let go of those biases, to not hold them as truths, but rather see them simply as modes of operation.  I do a majority of the child rearing in our home, not for any reason other than that I am the one who is here most often.  The boys, especially Jacob, are very routine oriented, so when Greg is home and steps in to help, it almost always causes some kind of rift, not necessarily a big one, but a ripple nonetheless.  They are used to their morning routines being done in my order.  They are used to the way I do homework with them.  They are used to my forms of discipline.  It's only natural for the boys to feel the differences between our parenting styles.  Sometimes that upsets Greg, and I have often heard him say, "Mom's way isn't the only way."  Isn't that the truth?  It's something I have to tell myself when I see him doing something differently than I would.  My way isn't the only way, not just at home, but everywhere.  There are lots of ways.  Some are more efficient.  Some are more honest.  Some are more outspoken.  None is necessarily right.

When I first started out in social services, I was shocked by some of the things I saw.   It was very hard for me to understand the different methods of child rearing, personal interactions and (especially) housekeeping that I saw.  When I first started, I had some wonderfully positive leaders to guide me, but I also mingled in the company of some rather judgemental and negative folk.  I would like to say that I leaned towards those positive influences over the negative ones, but I didn't always.  Negativity can be more powerful than optimism.  It can suck you in and eat you up.  It self-breeds and destroys people.  We feel better about ourselves when we are judging others.  We feel more powerful than others when we say that someone else is doing something wrong, or maybe we just like the camaraderie of commiseration.  Whatever it is, it's indisputable.  Misery loves company, and misery breeds more misery.

Somewhere along the line, someone told me that I would serve myself and the families I worked with much better if I could learn not to judge them by my own standards.  Families come in all shapes and sizes, and my way is not the only way.  In fact, there are a lot of people out there who do it a whole lot better than I do!  That has been the most valuable piece of advice I was ever given.  I may not agree with what I see in a home, but that doesn't mean I judge the person for it.  It's not my way.  It's not my life.

When I first started working in this field, way back in October of 2000, I remember looking at one particular person and saying, "If I ever get that bitter, I hope I recognize that it's time for me to leave the field."  I see so many people who are just plain burned out.  Unfortunately, it's the nature of social services.  We see a lot of sadness, a lot of pain, and a lot of disregard.  You can't face that day after day after day and maintain your ability to see the strengths in humanity like a fresh college graduate, out to make a difference in the world.  There are too many days when you realize that the impact you are making is small, minuscule even.  You wonder if it's worth the battle, worth the beatings you take from the job.  A person can only do that so long, before her enthusiasm starts to fade.

Two years ago was when I began to feel my resolve diminishing.  I wasn't eager to get out and meet the families on my caseload.  I didn't want to deal with the issues that crept up in the course of the day.  I needed a change, and thankfully I recognized my need.  It's funny how life works out.  I knew I needed a change, but I had no idea how to go about it.  I have little experience outside of social services, and changing agencies would only have changed the view, not the overall experience.  Besides, I liked the agency I work for.  It was the nature of the job that was beginning to get me down.  I just didn't know how or what  I could do to change my situation.  So, instead of actively searching for another job, I prayed.  I prayed for guidance in finding the right path for me.  I prayed for a change.  I didn't ask for specifics.  I just prayed.

At the end of the school year, my boss called and asked me to take a supervisor position, and I nervously accepted.  I was nervous for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it was a change. I prayed for months for a change. This was what I asked for, so I took it, and I am glad that I did.  I find that it is indeed much easier for me to be positive about the families we serve, now that I am not in direct service on a daily basis.  I no longer feel "beaten down" by the day to day hassles of case management, so I don't feel exasperated.  While I don't feel frustrated with case management, I still vividly remember how I felt when I couldn't get a family to cooperate with a health requirement, or when I was buried in 25 papers, all of which looked very similar, and had to be in a specific order in the child's file, or when I missed a minute detail of the attendance or head lice procedures and was out of compliance with the policy!  While I understand why the women I work with feel frustrated with their jobs, I have likewise encountered different, but equal, frustrations in a supervisory position.  What I have found to be very helpful, and also very interesting, is that the motto to not judge others by my own standards holds true across the board, whether it's with the families I serve, the staff I work with or even with my own friends and family.  Every person has strengths.  Sometimes it's easier to see weaknesses, but with the proper focus, we are perfectly capable of changing our perspectives of pretty much anything, whether it's people, places, circumstances, whatever.

It really bothers me when I hear generalizations about people who are on welfare.  I hear all the time, "if they would just work for a living instead of relying on the government,"  or "I don't understand how a mother wouldn't take her child to the doctor for a well-check," or "they have money for drugs but not for healthy food," or "they can sleep until noon, watch reality shows on a big screen TV and play video games all day, but not clean their house or get their kids to school on time."  I hate those statements.  I hate to read them on Facebook, and I hate to hear them spoken aloud.  I have been known to voice my opinion, too.  Making blanket statements about people you don't know is ignorant and unnecessary.  If I said something about a particular race or religion, people would jump all over me (I would not do that, by the way), but for some reason, it's perfectly acceptable to belittle those who are living in poverty.  Why is that?  People face all kinds of obstacles in their lives, and have all kinds of coping mechanisms.  It's not up to me to decide that a woman isn't a good mother because she didn't take her child for a well-exam for two years.  I don't have a clue what it feels like to worry about how I am going to feed my kids or pay the rent.  I don't have a clue what it is like to struggle with a major drug addiction.  None of us can say how we would act in any given situation until we are faced with it.  It's easy to make assumptions about our behavior when we are comfortable and thinking rationally.  Unfortunately, those well thought out decisions might not hold water when a crisis hits.  There's no way to know what you would do until you have lived it.

I have made choices that have enabled me to live a different kind of life than a majority of the families I serve, but I am not so naive to think that my life circumstances are solely due to my own doing.  In many ways, I am just lucky.  I was lucky to be born into an affluent family, to be given opportunities that many do not have, to be blessed with a husband who makes enough money to support us, and a family who helps tremendously.  I also know that it wouldn't take much to put me into the shoes of the families I serve.   At any given point, we are all just steps away from a monumental life change.  I really hate when people assume that poverty is a choice.  Anyone who says that it is, has clearly not interacted intimately with those who are living in poverty.  No one would choose poverty.  Some people have the resolve and the resources to get out of the cycle of poverty, but many do not.  Many do not feel that it is even possible to live differently.  It's a different culture than I have, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it's wrong.  It's different.  Everyone has strengths.  A child may not have gone for a well-check, but that same child may be read to every night, secure in his mother's love, when many kids who are up to date on vaccinations do not have that same security.  Everyone has strengths.  Sometimes they are untraditional strengths.  Sometimes we just need to look harder to see them.

I actually didn't intend to write so much about my job.  This isn't really about work.  It was meant to be about me.  I find it very interesting that I can easily apply these principles to the families I work with, but struggle immensely to apply them to myself.  I constantly compare myself to others and focus on my own shortcomings.  I don't feel like a good mother.  I don't feel like a good daughter.  Do I work as hard as I should?  Maybe I'm not the best friend or wife either.  I make myself crazy by focusing on where I lack and I have a very hard time seeing my own strengths.  It gets me down sometimes, because I feel overwhelmed just thinking about the improvements I need to make.

Greg and I have been revamping our budget.  We have made some pretty major changes, along with some minor ones, in order to get our money back on track.  It's hard, but not really.  We know what needs to be done, and it's better to make the changes now than to realize in 20 years that we've been overspending and not able to retire comfortably.  I'm not a big shopper, or at least I didn't think I was, so passing on buying items I don't need is only a slight adjustment in my life.  Being disciplined enough to take the money out of each pay check and delegate it to specific needs isn't all that hard either.  Worrying about how we are going to pay for all the things we want and need has been moderately stressful, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Things aren't dire, and we have the ability to turn them around in a relatively short period of time.  It'll be OK.  It's just a change.

What's hard for me is feeling like I am not meeting the expectations of others.  I don't spend a lot of money on myself, but I have always enjoyed giving nice gifts to my family and friends, and spending a lot of time (and money) on activities like gatherings at our home or on the boat, or doing things in the community like going to concerts or out to various places of entertainment.  It's hard for me not to  buy a big gift for a baby shower, a birthday or a graduation.  It's hard for me to say no to a concert because it's not in the budget.  It's hard for me to tell my family that I can't go somewhere or do something or buy something because I can't afford it.  It makes me feel like I am letting people down.  It makes me feel like I am not meeting expectations.  I have already heard, "you two make a lot of money, how can  you not afford ---- ?" several times.  I feel like I need to give a lengthy explanation about how we have overspent our budget for the last few years, and to include a generalized synopsis of our income versus outflow of cash.  That's uncomfortable, to say the least.

During a budget meeting with Greg the other night, I brought up the fact that the budget is causing me to feel even more inadequate than usual.  Greg, who has always had a much more balanced view of himself and the world than I do, says it's none of anyone's business how we spend our money and a simple, "No, thank you" should suffice.  He's right.  It should, but it doesn't.  Not for me, anyway.   I feel the need to over explain.  I feel the need to compensate for what I feel is a deficit.  It's not other people who are making me feel inadequate.  I'm doing it to myself.  I often feel misplaced, for whatever reasons.  I don't feel like I meet expectations - my own or other's - and it goes way, way beyond finances.

I have  been putting forth a concerted effort to fix my flawed thinking for the last few months. (OK, let's be honest.  I've been working on it for years with minimal progress.)  I am trying to view other people just as people, complete with their own flaws, and not feel like anyone else is any better or worse than I am.  I am trying to realize that I can't change anyone else.  The only thing that I can change is my own perspective.   I am trying to make decisions based on my own comfort levels, keeping in mind the best interest of my family.  The problem is that often making decisions in that manner leaves me feeling selfish.  (Old habits die hard, as they say.)  Sometimes I feel like I need to give big gifts, because big gifts have been given to me.  I feel like I need to reciprocate, even when it's not always a wise or feasible decision.  But reciprocation doesn't always equal money.  Sometimes it's about time, or effort, or whatever.  When I do a favor for someone, I don't feel like I need to have that favor returned.  I do it because I want to, because it makes me feel good to help the people I care about.  If someone does a favor for me, however, I feel like I need to repay it.  I don't ever want to appear to be unappreciative or opportunistic.  Every day, I am very aware of the blessings in my life.  I appreciate all that I have been given.  I don't expect more from anyone.  I understand other people's limitations and I try very hard not to judge.

So how do I apply this to myself?  How do I stop judging myself?  How do I come to accept what I know is true - that I work as hard as I can, I give as much as I can, I appreciate the little things, and I live the best life that I can?  I guess I feel that, while those statements are true for right now, there is always room for improvement.  We are a constant work in progress, and if I can see the need for improvement, then how can I believe that I am the best person I can be?  How can I be comfortable with myself knowing that I could possibly have done more, given more, been more?  Where do the obligations stop?  Where do you draw the line between striving for what's best and making yourself crazy?  I surely don't know.  Just when I think I have a good handle, a game plan, a healthy outlook, I falter.

Am I nuts?  (Wait, don't answer that!)  Do other people struggle with this too?  How do you cope?  How do you find balance?  Do I just keep plugging and accept this self-scrutiny as a personality trait?  Honestly, I don't think it's the worst trait a person could ask for.  At least I see my flaws and try to better myself.  That's much better than someone (and we all know someone who fits into this category) who thinks the world revolves around them.  At least no one will ever say I am narcissistic.  I've got enough hang-ups to guard against that!  What do you do?  How do you reconcile your expectations of yourself, the expectations of others, and find the balance in between?