News and Stuff

First things first. I hope that I am not jinxing myself when I say that (knock on wood) I have been mostly headache free for the last 4 days. I had a shorter (4 hours) and milder one yesterday, but none today and none the two days prior. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is the end of the headaches and that the meds are kicking in. I was seriously on the verge of a mental breakdown, and I'm praying they don't return.

Secondly, my 10 months of complaining about not have a real job have finally come to an end. As of Jan 5th I am taking a FSHA (Family Support Health Advocate) position with Child Advocates of Blair County. In a nutshell and overly simplified, it's a case management position for kids who are enrolled in Head Start. I will be working part time, 4 hours a day. I'm very excited about the job. I think that I will enjoy the position, plus I'm ecstatic about the hours. It will be perfect for Jacob, because he will not need to be in child care at all. I'll be able to take him to school and be there when he's done. Also, I will follow the school calendar, so I will have summers off as well as a Christmas break. Perfect for a working mom - outside contact and purpose without infringing on home life.

Those are the two main events in my life right now. We had a great Christmas. Jacob thoroughly enjoyed the holiday, which makes it nice for us. Every year at our family Christmas party, someone plays Santa. This year my uncle Larry had the honor (the men are such babies, always trying to get out of doing it). After Santa left, Jacob came to me and said, "mom, when santa was here, everyone was here except uncle Larry." Oh boy. I think he is beginning to question some things, and I think that he recognized Larry in the outfit, but he seemed to be easily appeased with telling him that Larry was in the bathroom. Then Jacob drew a picture for Larry, so he wouldn't feel bad about missing Santa. Whew. Another year of dodging the big question is over. We are in the "don't ask, don't tell" phase right now. Of course, when he asks, I'll be honest, but until then, my lips are sealed!

Greg is working for New Year's Eve this year. My parents came down around 7 and we toasted with sparkling grape juice. Andrew is in bed now (8pm) and Jacob is being treated to popcorn and sprite in the living room while watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I'm having a beer by myself, just to say that I wasn't completely dry when bringing in the new year, but I plan to be asleep well before the ball drops. Perhaps calmly ringing in the new year will symbolize a peaceful and calm year. We could use it!

Hope everyone had a great holiday season and I wish everyone a prosperous and healthful 2009!

Andrew and the Fireplace

Andrew is completely obsessed with the pilot light in our fireplace. No matter where I place him, he swivels his little body around and heads straight for the hearth. Once he gets there, he proceeds to place his mouth all over the glass and frame in an attempt to eat the pilot light. This is an ALL DAY occurrence at our house. The boy is determined, to say the least!

More Christmas Photos

My sister Megan, and my niece, Ella.

Jacob practices his hockey stance.

Greg poses with the boys and the mug that Jacob had engraved especially for Greg.

The note to Santa, and the cookies on a plate that Jacob made at school for me.

Andrew watches us from the safety of his firetruck.

Christmas Photos

Jacob gives Andrew a specially made paper "stocking" with a sippy cup and baby food just for him!

The tree on Christmas Eve. The room is big too. The picture doesn't do it justice!

Our fireplace, complete with Jacob's homemade additions.

Andrew catches a few winks before Christmas day...and I mean a few - he was up all night Christmas eve, and Christmas night...

Christmas Day

On Christmas morning this year we had three families under our roof to celebrate. Greg, me, Jacob, Andrew, my sister Megan, brother-in-law Dustin, and my mom and dad all had gifts under our tree. Megan and Dustin came down Christmas Eve to help us set out the loot, and all four of us stared at the tree in awe when we were done. There were so many gifts! I have a very big living room, and it literally spanned almost the entire width of the room. When Jacob came down Christmas morning he yelled, “Mom! There are so many gifts, Santa even had to put them on the couch because he ran out of room under the tree!” Then he called my parents to tell them to hurry down so we could open gifts. He told my dad, “Pap, hurry! There are 114 gifts to open!”

It was a really nice day. We opened gifts slowly and had breakfast here. Then the kids played here for a while until we headed up to my mom’s for dinner. My dad made a roast and Greg fried a turkey, plus all the other trimmings. Jacob was thrilled with so many science related items, and I just kept thinking, “oh how am I ever going to find the time to do all of these things with him!”

Tonight we are going to a party and tomorrow we host the annual Sheehan family Christmas party here. Yesterday and today my headaches have been milder, so I’m hoping that they continue to cooperate. It makes the days so much more enjoyable. I have tons of pictures to upload, but it may be a few days before I get around to it. I know that’s what everyone really like to see!

I’ll end with this thought - on Christmas Eve, after Jacob said his bedtime prayers, he added some thank-yous to God. “Thank you God for Christmas. Thank you God for letting people make houses. Thank you God for our family. And thank you God for making the Earth.”

Thank you God, for my friends and family, especially my two beautiful boys!

My Aching Head

I don’t know how people with chronic pain keep their sanity, and I am praying by the minute that I am not going to find out. I have had a headache for over 6 months now and it just refuses to go away. Nothing, I mean NOTHING will touch it. I’ve tried Advil, Tylenol, aspirin, imitrex, treximet, inderal, lysinopril (hoping that it was correlated to my blood pressure), and now I’m on a hefty dose of prednisone for a short term fix and elavil as a hopeful long term solution. It has been two days on the newest treatment, and my head feels worse than ever. I was under the impression that the steroid would knock the headache out by decreasing inflammation and would help me get over the caffeine withdrawal, because I was told to cut out all caffeine (which is probably not helping). Today I feel absolute despair. I have actually broken into tears multiple times because I just can’t see an end to this. It’s absolutely maddening, and I would go as far as to say that I would sacrifice a limb to rid myself of the headache, except that the phrase “be careful what you wish for” keeps ringing in the back of my mind. I suppose I do like my limbs after all.

The pain is bad, but not bad enough to keep me from going about my life. On a scale of 1-10 it varies between a 4 and an 8 throughout the day, hovering mostly around 5. But then again, what choice do I have? Someone has to take care of the kids and the house. The real problem is that the pain is constant, and although I am carrying on with life, I’m not doing it in a very nice or desirable way. I’m short tempered by nature, but this has given me a hair trigger, with Jacob and Greg bearing the brunt of most of it, and Andrew even getting the occasional, “Please just stop!” What kind of person yells at a baby? So now on top of being physically uncomfortable, I am beginning to really hate myself as a person too, which does little to improve my mood.

I guess there is no real point to this blog, aside from my complaining. I will call the Headache Center in Pittsburgh on Monday and see what else, if anything, I can do. I know that it’s just a waiting game, but the wait just seems so, so, so long. Just the thought of another day of this brings me to tears.

A Special Christmas Present

On Wednesday I went to see a neurologist in Pittsburgh to hopefully put and end to these incessant headaches. I have a new course of treatment to try, which I am praying works - and fast! At this point, I feel like I’d try just about anything to rid myself of this chronic pain.

On the way home, I stopped by my old workplace to visit some staff and consumers before having coffee with friends. It was wonderful to see some of my old “guys.” Some things have changed so much, and some things will never change. In many ways the visit made me nostalgic, but I also had a sense of peace when I left, because I sincerely felt that, although I miss the people and look fondly on the time in my life when I lived and worked in Pittsburgh, I am glad for where I am right now.

For those of you who don’t know, I worked as a Program Instructor at a day program for mentally challenged adults for 3 years. What a crazy job it was! I have to admit that it could be a very stressful atmosphere (although not quite comparable to FICS reunification), but it could also be the happiest place on earth. However, regardless of how stressful the situations could seem, when I worked at Allegheny East, I laughed every day - a sincere, from the heart laugh. Working with people who have MR can be such rewarding work. They offer us a glimpse into the human psyche. They are people who act solely on raw human emotions, the same emotions that we all have, but theirs are pure, jaded only by the indecencies that “normal” people have imposed upon them.

There are several consumers who hold extra special places in my heart, each for their own unique reasons. One in particular was still at the center when I arrived waiting for her van (like I said, some things never change!). She’s a fantastic example of someone who speaks from her heart. Good or bad, she says exactly what she is thinking and feeling at that moment. She can be loud, brazen, crass and disrespectful on a routine basis, but I have always had a soft spot for her. She can also be the most tender-hearted little woman. She will greet you in the morning (after telling a few people to get the hell out of her way) with a soft rub on the forearm, tilt her head and say “how’r you?” She’s protective of other people, “Don’t touch my sister! You! Outa here!” And she will also tell you exactly where to go when she’s mad at you, “God I hate you! Shut your ****ing face!” Wouldn’t we all love to say those things to some people in our lives??!!

Marsha thinks that she recognized me. I don’t know if she did or not, but she gave me a hug big enough to choke me and a sloppy kiss on the cheek when she saw me. I asked her about Christmas and what Santa was brining her. She replied with “a new watch and a purse” - the same things she has been asking for for the last 8 years (probably longer). When she went over her Christmas list, it brought tears to my eyes. She made me laugh like old times, and she gave me that wonderful glimpse of hopeful innocence again. What a nice gift for me in the midst of the Christmas season, to be assured again in the good of people by my two dear friends who met me at the drop of a hat, despite their own hectic schedules, and by an old friend who, despite her years, retains her inner beauty always. I really hope Santa brings her that purse and watch this year. She’s been waiting so patiently, and I think she deserves them!

At Home Hair Cut

I can't figure out how to reverse the order of photos on blog posts, so these are out of order.

I took Jacob to get his hair cut yesterday after school, but there was a half hour wait. His hair was so long, I could probably braid it around his ears. Greg has cut hair before, so I called and asked him if he would cut Jake's hair when he got home. He agreed. When he started cutting, Jacob, being the calm and collected kid that he is, completely wigged out on us. He was screaming and flailing around like a nut ball because some hair had gotten down his shirt. Now, I know that hair is incredibly itchy, but keep in mind that Jacob also has quite the knack for drama. Long story short, the haircut was uneven, and got progressively shorter until, well, you see the finished product. My mom said he won't need another hair cut until July. I think she might be right.

Jacob, straight out of Auschwitz.

(Those marks around his neck are from him violently scratching himself!)

Trying to get a little closer.

Angry before it even began.

My Wrinkled Christmas Blessings

Last Friday Greg and I went to his company Christmas party. As I was getting ready for the party, I looked at myself in the mirror and this is what I saw: more crows feet than I should have, age spots on my forehead, small lines starting around my lips (already!), a behind that continues to grow by the day, and a sweater that was clearly made for someone over the age of 60. Oh well, I thought. This is what I look like. At least my teeth are still white. Let’s go!

Many of the people Greg works with are our age or older. It’s a job that requires training and experience, and isn’t generally for young, immature types. There is one young man, 22, of whom Greg thinks highly. He introduced us, and my only thoughts were, “Wow! This man is just a boy. He’s so young!” When did 22 start to feel like another generation? It is another generation, at this point. I’m a whole decade older than him, but I think that the reality of being in my 30’s has just recently hit me. I know, I know. I’m not old by a long shot, but I feel old, and I believe the saying is “you’re only as old as you feel.”

Aside from my college pals, 85% of my friends are older than me. I have always felt that I had more in common with those 15 years or more my senior than with most people my own age. Someone once told me I was an “old soul.” I don’t know if she meant it as a compliment or not, but I think it was true, to a large degree. So why now am I having a mini mid-life crisis of sorts? Why do I feel so uncomfortable in this old skin?

This morning while grocery shopping and pushing a sleeping Andrew around in the cart, a woman stopped me and said, “Oh to change places with him!” “Yeah,” I said, “except for the growing up part. I wouldn’t want to do that again.” That’s the truth too. I wouldn’t want to have to grow up again. Granted, it would be nice to nap whenever I wanted, to not be burdened with the worries of bills and responsibilities, but all in all, the process of growing up is painful. I’m glad I’m already grown.

Maybe it’s the time of year, or just the changes that come with having a baby and quitting work (yes, I’m apparently still hung-up on that issue), or these dog-gone headaches that have plagued me for the last 6 months that have me feeling old. This time of year, as many people do, I think back on my family traditions and wonder where the time has gone. I always wonder , too, how things would be different if my grandmother were still living. It’s dumb to think that way - completely counter-productive and pure speculation at that, but I can’t help it. I remember the Christmas parties she used to have each year with the whole family. Even those so far removed that we no longer knew how we were related, came. One year when I was 4 or 5, I fell out of bed, cut my chin and ended up with a few stitches. I remember some of the gifts we gave and received - my sister once got a pink power wheels scooter and my aunt Kathy gave all of the girls fake Cabbage Patch dolls with really ugly noses. Once my mother gave my grandparents a very large (by today’s standards) cordless phone and answering machine combo. My grandfather said , “What do we need that for?" He's always had a way with words! (I also remember that phone clearly picked up entire conversations when the neighbors would talk on their own phone! ) My cousins and I used to make a “fort” under the basement steps and would try to scare the adults coming unknowingly along. There are so many memories, I could write forever.

After my grandmother died, my mother took on the role of hosting the Christmas parties. I have just as many good memories at our house too. One year, my aunt Carmen looked out at the tinsel pieces scattered across the lawn and said, as only Carmen could, “Oh Kris, I love what you’ve done with your lawn!” Another year, no men would agree to play Santa (those idiots!) so Carmen - all 5 feet of her, dressed up and played the part. There isn’t another soul like Carmen, and we are so blessed to have her in our lives still.

Now that I am married, the Christmas parties have been moved to our home. I’m glad to host them. It’s a tradition that I proudly take as my responsibility, as long as everyone wants me to do it. My mom, dad and aunts still do all of the menu planning and cooking, which makes it all the better for me! And it is but one of the things in my life that I can honestly look at and say without doubt, that age has improved. As I type this, Andrew is in his jumpy seat. Every time I look his way, he grins from ear to ear and jumps faster. That’s another benefit of age - having my own children, and knowing what true blessings they are.

The fact that my body no longer looks like it used to (and will continue to deteriorate!) is really a small price to pay for the accumulation of such blessings and good memories that my life has brought me and will continue to bring. I’m waiting for the time when I am completely comfortable in my own skin and I no longer feel the grief of the loss of physical youth. Does that actually happen? It must, because in many ways, I know that I am much more comfortable with myself now than I was when I was 20, despite actually looking worse! I guess this has been a long way of saying that, although in many ways I don’t feel beautiful anymore, I’m still happy about where I am in my life, and I wouldn’t change trade it for a thing….


…..except maybe a nice tight butt, thighs, stomach and some firm, solid C cup boobs (oh, wait! I never had those in the first place!)

Tree Hunting

Today we made our annual trek to J&B Tree Farm and picked our Christmas tree. It was pretty cold out, so we made a decision relatively quickly. Actually, almost everything went unreasonably smoothly today. The tree is up and decorated and no one even had to swear! A great way to start the holiday!

"Now, Jacob, this is a saw..."

"Get on with it, Greg. I know what the tools are!"

The men and their tree.

"That's my boy!"One last hug before the danger begins! :)

Babababa And All That Jazz...

Having worked in early childhood development for quite some time now, I am well aware of when babies should reach their milestones. That said, I am also well aware that not reaching milestones in specific accordance with the guidelines can also completely normal. However, most babies babble, saying consonants (ba, da, ma) between 6-8 months of age. Andrew will be 8 months old on Dec 24, and as of Tuesday had still not said a single consonant. I was getting worried. Well, on Wed, he woke up saying "babababa" and has not stopped saying it since then! I sent Greg a video, because I was so excited, and Greg so lovingly pointed out that he looks like I have fed him a steady diet of Vodka all day! Oh well! Drunken-looking or not, the kid is saying a consonant, and I'm a happy Mama!

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Tonight at dinner Jacob told me that J.J. (a friend at school) told him that you needed to have a six pack to be a wrestler. I asked him if he knew what a six pack was, and he said "yeah, any group of muscles." I explained better what it was, and told him that Greg could show him a six pack. Jake thought about it and said, "OK, but do you have to have one to be a wrestler" I told him I didn't think it was necessary and that he could ask Pap, because Pap didn't have a six pack, but wrestled in high school. Jake said, "well, what kind of pack did Pap have, a 5 pack?"

Andrew Sings "Deck the Halls"

"Falalalala, lalalala..." or is it "Farararara, rararara."

"Enough already! I just can't get it right!"

Anti-Cottage Cheese, a Family Agreement

This is a video of Andrew's first taste of cottage cheese. Needless to say, he wasn't very excited about it. He actually never swallowed it, but instead just moved his tongue around in his mouth...pretty much the same thing Jacob did when I introduced it to him 5 years ago.

Tree Lighting

Last night was the annual Christmas tree lighting at the diamond downtown. It was chilly, so my sister in law brought hot chocolate for the gang.

"Hey, Honey, do you realize it's only 30 degrees outside?!"

"Yes dear, that's why I'm wearing my long underwear."

There it is in all its majesty!

Rob's drink was REALLY hot, and Brooke thinks he's nuts!

The Williams Version of Football

My sister in law found this game and thought immediately of the Williams clan. How right she was! Everyone wanted a chance to wear the goal posts, even Andrew!

Soda Pop Kit

My sister sent Jacob a soda pop kit for Christmas. It was a very cool idea, but not so yummy. Here are some photos of the process:

Giving Thanks For The Little Things

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.”
- Robert Brault

Every year at Thanksgiving, people talk about the things for which they are grateful. This year, as every year, I have many wonderful things on my list. This year, however, I decided not to focus solely on the obvious joys - family, health, financial security, etc, but rather to also focus on the minute, sometimes perfunctory details of my everyday life. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for the big things too, but right now, I need to tweak my perspective and look at the little things, the things on which I will someday reflect and say, ‘those were the big things.’ Here are just a few of the little things that I consider substantial blessings:

* When I get back into bed in the middle of the night after going to the bathroom or checking on the baby, and my husband unwittingly reaches for me, pats my legs and snuggles close.

* When Jacob walks downstairs first thing in the morning, and sneaks under the dining room table to “scare” us good morning.

* After I kiss Jacob goodnight, just as I am about to close his bedroom door, he always asks, “Is tonight going to be short?” I say, “yes.” He says, “How do you know?” and I say, “Because it’s late and you are tired!” Then we blow each other kisses and he goes to sleep.

* When Andrew laughs when he sees me open his door at 3 in the morning (granted, I am not usually feeling terribly grateful at that precise moment, but later it brings a smile to my face thinking about it).

* If I’m feeding Andrew in the rocking chair in the living room, and Greg comes in the back door, as soon as Greg speaks, Andrew bolts into an upright position and cranes his neck, grinning ear to ear, to see his dad. Andrew’s expression speaks for itself.

* I’m thankful that I have a good divorce. I know that sounds strange, but it truly is a wonderful blessing from two sides - Peyton‘s (my ex) and Greg‘s (my husband). I’m grateful that my ex-husband is a reasonable person who is consistent with Jacob. I’m grateful he is not a vindictive or hateful person, that he is genuinely a caring man, that we can have a normal conversation without fighting, and that we were able to put our own differences aside for the sake of our son. I’m also immensely grateful to have a husband who understands the importance of having a decent relationship with Jacob’s father, and who also condones my interactions with him. It takes a strong man to be comfortable with his wife interacting with her ex-husband, and I give credit to Greg for trusting me, and doing right by Jacob. It makes things easier for me and it shows that we all have Jacob’s best interest at heart. Jacob is, after all, our common denominator.

* For family dinners together.

* For Jacob’s endless chatter. Even though there are times when he drives me crazy, he is a smart kid, and he can be very funny. Tonight he told me that Andrew was "fussing like an angry jellyfish." Come on, that's a different way of looking at things!

* For my old, little, yet reliable car that is terrible in the snow, but gets great gas mileage! The SUV can wait!

* For being able to see my parents every day of the week (sometimes I don’t see this as a blessing, but in my heart I know that it truly is).

* For little fingerprints and toothpaste spatter all over my bathroom mirror. It means that Jacob actually brushed his teeth!

Then, of course there are the big things, that I know are big things - a husband who is much more patient than I deserve, two healthy and happy boys, healthy and happy parents, in-laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and friends, a good neighborhood and good neighbors, more than enough food on our plates and a warm house to sleep in. I think back on the holidays growing up. There were good ones, and some that were not so good, but the true blessings have always remained the same. As I have aged, I have become more and more aware of the frailty of life’s blessings, and the hard work that our parents and grandparents put forth to bestow such love upon us. We owe our sincere gratitude to them, for their perseverance and foresight in building the foundation of our branching families. Its serves us all well to reflect on these things, not just during the holidays, but every day.

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob

Jacob has recently been contemplating Spongebob. Apparently he has more questions about this cartoon character than you would imagine! First, he said “How would a pineapple get under the sea anyway? The only way a pineapple would get in the ocean would be if you, plunk, dropped it there.” I guess he’s right about that.
Then he said, “Don’t you think Spongebob should live in a soap dish.”
I said, “Why?”
“Because wouldn’t it make sense for a sponge to live in a soap dish?”
Again, I guess so!
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“Mom, do people get fleas?” Oh...that’s not good to hear.
“No, people don’t get fleas... Why?”
“If they have a bad itch, then what did they get?” said as he rolled frantically around on the floor.
“Dry skin.”
“Oh. Dry skin. I’m just going to watch t.v.”
Cartoons - the cure all in the life of a kindergartner.
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Today during breakfast, Jacob said, “I haven’t seen my friend, Puce in a while.”
I thought he was talking about some kind of cartoon character, so I played along. “How do you know Puce?”
“You know, my friend from CCD, Puce.”
Oh. He’s talking about a real person! Ha! “I think you mean, Pierce.”
“No, mom. His name is Puce.”
“Jacob, Puce is the name of a yucky green color. (I think it is, anyway!) Pierce is the name of a boy.”
“Whatever, Mom.”

Sweet Snot Factory

Gotta love cold season. Pay close attention to the end. When he's smacking his lips, it's in response to the snot that is running down into his mouth. Oh how we love children! YUCK!

The Christmas Parade

Writing his letter to Santa.

Dear Santa, I want Dinosaur Mountain (He had one, but I threw it away two years ago. He just now noticed that is is missing.) Spy Gear and a Transformer Action Set. He also had me add some things to bring for Andrew - some new binkies, soft blocks, and a toy puppy.

Heading downtown.

Andrew was decked out for the occasion.

If Only We Could All Be Like Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
BE KIND ANYWAY.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
BE HONEST ANYWAY.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
BE HAPPY ANYWAY.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
DO GOOD ANYWAY.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY.
- Mother Teresa

I saw this on a wall plaque in Hallmark a few weeks ago, and I was struck by it. Regardless of our current life circumstances, aren’t these such pertinent words? Over and over, I found myself reflecting on what Mother Teresa had to say, until eventually, I went back and bought the plaque. Then, with my grandfather’s health (he continues to improve, by the way) and some other events that have happened in the family, I have found myself reading and rereading these words daily. We never know when life will throw us fantastic hurdles. We never really know how someone else is feeling or what someone else’s motives are. It’s so easy to be sad, hurt, angry, worried. It’s not so easy to forgive, be kind, be happy and honest. And in the end, when we meet our maker, how will we answer for our actions? And how do we want those we love to remember us?

This morning on the way to school I talked to Jacob about how important it is to always be nice to others and to always be honest. He understood the concepts very well, saying “Matt is always nice to me. He never steals all of my sharks when we play go fish.” Actually, my cousin Matthew is a great example of someone who is always nice to others. He’s a kind and gentle soul, and it would do us all good to emulate him once in a while.

Then I talked to Jake about trust. He said he knew what trust was, “when J.J. trusted his ankle in the morning and it felt better by lunch.” Well, no that’s ‘twist’ not trust. How cute. Then I went on to explain that he could trust me to always love and care for him, to help him and to tell him the truth. Those words he understood. He said, “When I had my first day of CCD, and I didn’t know anyone, I trusted you to help me meet the kids and stay until I felt comfortable.” Exactly. It’s something so easy to maintain, but so difficult to regain once it is lost.

My personal chore right now is finding forgiveness. I never considered myself to be someone who held a grudge, but I have recently encountered a situation where I just can’t forgive. It’s amazing, actually. I forgave my real father for the bitter, angry alcoholic that he was. I forgave my ex-husband for leaving me 5 months pregnant in the middle of the winter, and I have forgiven others for many other things. Forgiving myself has always been much harder for me, but now I am having a hard time forgiving someone else. I’ve vented to a few friends, and one (Marsha) told me to pray about it. I thought very hard about what she said, and I decided that she was right. I needed to pray for myself and for the other person. Being angry was doing no good for either of us, and I decided that I was no longer going to harbor ill feelings. Then the person stabbed me in the back again. At first I didn’t react, but the situation escalated and I angrily said, “OK. I’ll start praying again tomorrow!” :)

Well, it’s tomorrow, and I’m praying again and taking deep breaths, and thanking God again and again for the wonderful network of family and friends that I have, specifically for the continued health of my grandfather, and the fantastic blessings of my husband and sons, and the love and trust I have abounding in my life. It’s trust that this other person will probably never know and that is terribly sad. Perhaps in focusing on what the other person is lacking, I will be able to find a softer spot in my heart. In the meantime, I’m stocking up on Vodka.

Kindergarten Heart-throb

On Monday, we had Jacob's first parent-teacher conference. Of course, they had almost all positive things to say. He's a joy to have in class, a bright little guy, showing rapid improvement in all skill levels. The only negative thing they had to say was that he has a habit of making sound effects in class. Anyone who knows Jacob would not be surprised by this. He does it at home too, constantly making some kind of noise for just about everything he does. Sometimes it can be maddening! But if this is his only downfall (which I assume he will outgrow on his own...I hope he will outgrow it, at least!), then we are doing pretty well.

The director of the program also mentioned that Jacob is the class sweetheart. Apparently, all of the girls love Jake. One of the girls told the director that she was having a terrible day and all of the boys were ridiculous, except for Jacob. He was "wonderful." Must be those big blue eyes. I know if I were a 5 year old girl, they'd grab my heart. Heck, they've it grabbed at 31!

Tough Pap Ron

Shortly after Jacob was born, my mother's father, my only living grandparent, was diagnosed with colon cancer. It was caught early, and he had a good prognosis. Additionally, he's a stubborn old man, with very set ideas of how situations will play out. While the doctor explained the potential side effects of chemo, my grandfather simply refused to believe that he was susceptible. To each ailment, he simply replied, "Nah. I don't get that." Nausea: "Nah. I don't get that." Hair loss: "Nah. I don't get that." So it went, down the list. It's amazing how attitude effects treatment success, because although I doubt chemo was a walk in the park for him, he really had no major side effects. Less than a year later, he was declared cancer free.

About a year following the cancer scare, he began to have some other strange symptoms. Massive unexplained bruising and finally, a very swollen tongue. Extensive testing showed that he had a "factor 8 deficiency." It's an rare acquired hemophilia, possibly brought on my the chemotherapy. When they finally discovered what was wrong with him, the doctor wanted to life flight him to Pittsburgh. If he were to fall and hit his head, or suffer a major cut, he would bleed to death, because Altoona did not possess the technology to save his life. His response? "I can't go to Pittsburgh now. I'm having pancakes for breakfast." That's right. In the face of death, pancakes were more important. I think that he truly did not believe that his life was in danger. Eventually, my mother convinced him to allow her to drive him to Pittsburgh, where he spent a bit of time at West Penn Hospital undergoing treatment for this extremely rare disorder. He came through it relatively unscathed, and my mom bought him a huge box of Bisquick from Sams Club for Christmas that year.

Since then, over the last three years, he's had a few other ailments, but all in all he has had good health. This September, we celebrated his 80th birthday.

Early Saturday morning, I got a call from my dad. My grandfather had suffered a massive heart attack. There was little that they could do for him, because of the history of the clotting disorder, and it did not appear that he would survive. His wife (my grandmother died 20 years ago, and he remarried) agreed that he would not want any invasive procedures, and that we should allow God's will to be done. My mom called her siblings in Pittsburgh and New York, and we all prepared for the worst. I was unable to go to the hospital until after noon, because of child care. On the way in, I called my mom's cell phone just to make sure nothing had drastically changed. She said, "Changed? Oh yes, things have changed. They removed the tube and he perked right up. He sat up and started talking. All of his vital signs are stable and he is telling the nurses that he expects to be discharged!"

When we arrived, that's exactly how things were. Granted, he looked like hell. He had just had a massive heart attack. But he was lucid. They turned the pacemaker off and he was holding his own, on his own. He told me that if they didn't discharge him Saturday night, he was "breaking out" on Sunday. My mother told him that he made her look like a fool for calling everyone and telling them that he was on his way out! :)

He is not completely out of the woods now. Really, it's a waiting game. We don't know what the next few days will bring. He signed a "do not resuscitate" order today, so we all know what his wishes are, should things take a turn for the worst. Still again, one has to wonder how much attitude plays a part in our health. He simply refuses to accept that anything health related could possibly be dire, and amazingly, he keeps on ticking.

More Of the Automatic Bubbles!

Catching bubbles on his tongue - practicing for winter snow.

"This is just great!"

"Woo Hoo!"

The brothers pose together in a calm before the storm, when Andrew busts a gasket over the bubbles.

Tiny Bubbles

Loretta got Andrew an automatic bubble machine for the bathtub. I thought he would love it, but when I turned it on, it scared the daylights out of him! His little lip curled under and he started wailing. He couldn't stop for almost 20 minutes! Funny how some innocent things scare kids.

BUT - Jacob, on the other hand, loved the bubble machine. I had to bribe him to get out of the tub! I know Michelle thinks I post too many pictures of my kids (namely Jacob) nude, but this is funny!

The Band

Here are two videos I found recently. One is of band practice - Jacob pretending to play along, and the other is of Jake singing into the microphone while Greg played the drums along with the stereo. Keep in mind, these were taken by a cell phone, so the sound is a little distorted.

This is the band - "Mary Had a Little Lamb"

This is Jacob's debut, singing "Route 66" by the Rascal Flats - from the Cars soundtrack. Take note of the "Wooo!" I think this kid may just have a future in singing!

Jake Again...

One day we were walking though Macy’s and Jacob noticed a plaster-white mannequin. “Whoa!” he said. “That is some WHITE skin. I’ve never seen white skin. I’ve seen light brown skin, but never white.” I agreed with him, and I thought, “he’s right. White skin isn’t ’white,’ it’s peach or pinkish or tan, or whatever different shade it may be. It reminded me of this techno song that was popular in Germany when I was studying abroad. I can’t remember how it went exactly (help me out, Shel) but it was a black man chanting down a list, “When you’re sick, you’re green. When you’re sad, you’re blue. When you’re scared, you’re yellow. And you have the gall to call me colored.” There was a video of a person turning all shades of the rainbow. It was an odd song, but true, if you think about it. Apparently, Jacob thinks the same way! Now, how can we make some money off of that?!
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Jacob told me that before he decided to become a big brother, he took into consideration a lot of things. It’s a lot of responsibility to be a big brother, and he didn’t want to take that lightly. After he decided that he wanted to take on the task, he gave me permission to have another baby. I don’t know where he came up with that thought process, except the responsibility part. I had told him recently that he needed to model good behavior for the baby, because Andrew will look up to Jacob for guidance on how to behave. Nice to know that Jacob thinks he was responsible for Andrew’s conception. He sure thinks highly of himself!
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Andrew has moved on to the bigger, stationary, rear facing car seat. When Jake got into the car, after I initially installed it, he looked at Andrew and said, “Hey! Nice chair!”
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For some reason, Jacob is insistent on getting the baby to say “egg.” Now, whenever the baby
starts to fuss, Jacob gets directly in Andrew’s face and yells, “Egg! Egg!” It’s bizarre and highly annoying for all who witness it.

Stairway to Our House

Jacob helped Greg rebuild our front porch steps after school yesterday. Andrew watched, unimpressed. I'm just glad to have steps that aren't falling apart...well, they're almost complete anyway. The finished product is in sight!

"OK guys, that's funny. Now let me give you some real pointers."

"Fine then. But don't say I didn't tell you better."

"Just a little tighter here."


"Getting closer."



"Right here, Greg?"

Jacob for President

On Tuesday, as the country voted for our next president, my first born ran for office of kindergarten class president. His party promise was, "Vote for me and I'll give you more toys!" He ran a tough campaign, promising freshly brewed coffee to anyone who voted, but in the end he did not win. By Harbor House rule, however, the person coming in second does not lose, but rather gets Vice Presidency. Jacob was OK with that because, "the vice president has a lot of responsibility too." Graciously handled. And we are all proud, nonetheless. There were 6 boys in his class and 7 girls. He lost by one vote.

Not So Nice

There are times when I feel like the worst mother alive. I’m frequently impatient, quick to yell, have unrealistic expectations of my children’s behavior and allow myself to become easily overwhelmed with things that I know are not important in the grand scheme of life. Sometimes I am able to step back and regroup, calm myself and think logically, but I feel recently like that is more the exception than the norm. This is not the person I want to be, and it is especially not the mother I want to be.

Jacob is amazingly patient and cooperative for a five year old. Granted, there are times when he’s unruly, but most of the time, I am actually amazed at how reasonable he can be. And he is wonderful with Andrew. Jacob really, sincerely loves his brother, and the baby loves him. It’s touching sometimes to see how well they interact, especially when I know that I probably deserve little credit for the way they see each other. It makes me feel so terribly sad to know that I yell so much, and can be so harsh, yet these two little guys still hold so much love inside their little kid hearts.

I haven’t had many moments of “deep” thoughts lately. I thought perhaps it meant that I was truly just a hormonal basket case after the baby was born, and that I was now stabilizing. These days, I’m not sure that’s true. I think I just wore myself out. Now, instead of contemplating things, I simply become agitated or melancholy, without good cause. I’m still not comfortable with where I am in my life, regardless of my lack pervasive mental activity.

Would returning to work help? I don’t know. In many ways, I think it would. I would have an outlet, be needed outside my family, find purpose in the community and make some of my own money. Conversely, I would have 40 hours less each week with my children, less time to get my housework done, and less time to think - which may be a good thing. I know what it is to work full time with a child, I know what would be sacrificed and how I would compensate, and I know that this enormous feeling of burden I carry now would be at least somewhat eased. I also know that I will be less willing to entertain at home, and that I’ll be less willing to be constantly going places and doing things on the weekends. Those would be changes for us that wouldn't only effect our family unit, but others as well. There are significant pros and cons to consider when it comes to the subject of working.

I admit that I like the fact that I can clean the house anytime, and that I have room to visit and help others, which would not be possible if I worked. But I also know that after 9 months of not working, I still feel like I am mentally unraveling. I have not become comfortable with my status as a stay-at-home mom. Rather, I believe it simply gives me ample opportunity to see just how much I am failing myself, my kids and my husband. I love my children, but I need time away from them, and I wonder if I am doing them more of an injustice by staying home than I would be if I were to work. I wonder if the guilt that I would feel over being away, would be less than the guilt generated by my inadequacies made so apparent by staying home? I'm just not liking myself much these days. Something has to give, because I'm harming all of us by allowing things to stagnate.

This is a blog entry with no real direction. I just had a need to vent, and shake my head at myself. Now it’s time to stop thinking and find some realistic course of action. The problem is that I just don't know what the right course of action is.

More From the Mind of Jacob, October

We had friends over the other night who have a one year old daughter. Jake was happy to play with her, but he had a lot of questions. Andrew is happy to watch Jacob play, but Madeline wanted to play with the things Jacob had, instead of just watching him. He reluctantly gave her his ball, and then lamented that she wasn’t rolling it back to him, she was just touching it and chewing it! Finally, he gave up and gave the ball to her. Then he decided to watch TV instead. She promptly crawled over to the TV, pulled herself up and cruised along the TV. Only about 2 inches of her head were actually in front of the TV, so Jacob still had a decent view of the screen, but I heard him saying to her, very nicely, “Could you please sit down? I can’t see.” It was cute. I think he’s going to have some big adjustments over the next few months as Andrew gets bigger and more mobile and really starts getting into Jacob‘s things!
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We had some significant snow flurries here on Wednesday. Upon seeing them, I told Jake to look out the window. My thoughts looking outside were of shoveling, freezing temperatures, wet boots and gloves and all the winter mess. Jacob’s response was quite different. “Mom, you know what that means?”

“No, what?”

“Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way!”

What a difference in perspective from a kindergartner to an adult! I wish I could see it so positively!
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Last night I read Jacob a book about emotions. On the page for jealousy, I asked him if he ever felt jealous of Andrew. He said, “No, not really, but when you were in the hospital I really missed you, and I was sad. I didn‘t like that.” (aw - how sweet)

I said, “I really missed you too. It was a long time for me to be away from you, but I won’t be having any more babies, so I won’t have to do that again.” He smiled, said OK and we finished the book.

After I kissed him good night, and was on my way out the door, he said, “Mom, how do you know you won’t be having any more babies?”

Oh boy. I opened this can of worms myself! I said, “Because you can choose when you want to make a baby, and when you don’t want to. I already have two babies - you and your brother and that’s all the babies I need. I think our family is perfect the way it is.”

He agreed and then added, “yeah, if you had two more babies then we would have four kids in this house and there just isn’t room here for that many people!”

Actually, there’s plenty of room, if we chose to have two more, but I don’t think I need to go into the details of a tubal ligation with a five year old! He was happy with my answer and that’s all that matters!

Trick or Treat

Tonight was Trick or Treat in Hollidaysburg. Not sure why we trick or treat on the Thursday before Halloween, but that's always how it's been. Here are the pictures from the evening.

The whole gang - Jake, Karissa, Andrew, Brooke and Kiersten.

Jake and Katie

Jake, Greg and Andrew

Andrew waves his hand to surrender! Take me home and get me out of this thing!

Oh, well, maybe one more house!