Not So Nice

There are times when I feel like the worst mother alive. I’m frequently impatient, quick to yell, have unrealistic expectations of my children’s behavior and allow myself to become easily overwhelmed with things that I know are not important in the grand scheme of life. Sometimes I am able to step back and regroup, calm myself and think logically, but I feel recently like that is more the exception than the norm. This is not the person I want to be, and it is especially not the mother I want to be.

Jacob is amazingly patient and cooperative for a five year old. Granted, there are times when he’s unruly, but most of the time, I am actually amazed at how reasonable he can be. And he is wonderful with Andrew. Jacob really, sincerely loves his brother, and the baby loves him. It’s touching sometimes to see how well they interact, especially when I know that I probably deserve little credit for the way they see each other. It makes me feel so terribly sad to know that I yell so much, and can be so harsh, yet these two little guys still hold so much love inside their little kid hearts.

I haven’t had many moments of “deep” thoughts lately. I thought perhaps it meant that I was truly just a hormonal basket case after the baby was born, and that I was now stabilizing. These days, I’m not sure that’s true. I think I just wore myself out. Now, instead of contemplating things, I simply become agitated or melancholy, without good cause. I’m still not comfortable with where I am in my life, regardless of my lack pervasive mental activity.

Would returning to work help? I don’t know. In many ways, I think it would. I would have an outlet, be needed outside my family, find purpose in the community and make some of my own money. Conversely, I would have 40 hours less each week with my children, less time to get my housework done, and less time to think - which may be a good thing. I know what it is to work full time with a child, I know what would be sacrificed and how I would compensate, and I know that this enormous feeling of burden I carry now would be at least somewhat eased. I also know that I will be less willing to entertain at home, and that I’ll be less willing to be constantly going places and doing things on the weekends. Those would be changes for us that wouldn't only effect our family unit, but others as well. There are significant pros and cons to consider when it comes to the subject of working.

I admit that I like the fact that I can clean the house anytime, and that I have room to visit and help others, which would not be possible if I worked. But I also know that after 9 months of not working, I still feel like I am mentally unraveling. I have not become comfortable with my status as a stay-at-home mom. Rather, I believe it simply gives me ample opportunity to see just how much I am failing myself, my kids and my husband. I love my children, but I need time away from them, and I wonder if I am doing them more of an injustice by staying home than I would be if I were to work. I wonder if the guilt that I would feel over being away, would be less than the guilt generated by my inadequacies made so apparent by staying home? I'm just not liking myself much these days. Something has to give, because I'm harming all of us by allowing things to stagnate.

This is a blog entry with no real direction. I just had a need to vent, and shake my head at myself. Now it’s time to stop thinking and find some realistic course of action. The problem is that I just don't know what the right course of action is.