Tree Lighting

Last night was the annual Christmas tree lighting at the diamond downtown. It was chilly, so my sister in law brought hot chocolate for the gang.

"Hey, Honey, do you realize it's only 30 degrees outside?!"

"Yes dear, that's why I'm wearing my long underwear."

There it is in all its majesty!

Rob's drink was REALLY hot, and Brooke thinks he's nuts!

The Williams Version of Football

My sister in law found this game and thought immediately of the Williams clan. How right she was! Everyone wanted a chance to wear the goal posts, even Andrew!

Soda Pop Kit

My sister sent Jacob a soda pop kit for Christmas. It was a very cool idea, but not so yummy. Here are some photos of the process:

Giving Thanks For The Little Things

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.”
- Robert Brault

Every year at Thanksgiving, people talk about the things for which they are grateful. This year, as every year, I have many wonderful things on my list. This year, however, I decided not to focus solely on the obvious joys - family, health, financial security, etc, but rather to also focus on the minute, sometimes perfunctory details of my everyday life. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for the big things too, but right now, I need to tweak my perspective and look at the little things, the things on which I will someday reflect and say, ‘those were the big things.’ Here are just a few of the little things that I consider substantial blessings:

* When I get back into bed in the middle of the night after going to the bathroom or checking on the baby, and my husband unwittingly reaches for me, pats my legs and snuggles close.

* When Jacob walks downstairs first thing in the morning, and sneaks under the dining room table to “scare” us good morning.

* After I kiss Jacob goodnight, just as I am about to close his bedroom door, he always asks, “Is tonight going to be short?” I say, “yes.” He says, “How do you know?” and I say, “Because it’s late and you are tired!” Then we blow each other kisses and he goes to sleep.

* When Andrew laughs when he sees me open his door at 3 in the morning (granted, I am not usually feeling terribly grateful at that precise moment, but later it brings a smile to my face thinking about it).

* If I’m feeding Andrew in the rocking chair in the living room, and Greg comes in the back door, as soon as Greg speaks, Andrew bolts into an upright position and cranes his neck, grinning ear to ear, to see his dad. Andrew’s expression speaks for itself.

* I’m thankful that I have a good divorce. I know that sounds strange, but it truly is a wonderful blessing from two sides - Peyton‘s (my ex) and Greg‘s (my husband). I’m grateful that my ex-husband is a reasonable person who is consistent with Jacob. I’m grateful he is not a vindictive or hateful person, that he is genuinely a caring man, that we can have a normal conversation without fighting, and that we were able to put our own differences aside for the sake of our son. I’m also immensely grateful to have a husband who understands the importance of having a decent relationship with Jacob’s father, and who also condones my interactions with him. It takes a strong man to be comfortable with his wife interacting with her ex-husband, and I give credit to Greg for trusting me, and doing right by Jacob. It makes things easier for me and it shows that we all have Jacob’s best interest at heart. Jacob is, after all, our common denominator.

* For family dinners together.

* For Jacob’s endless chatter. Even though there are times when he drives me crazy, he is a smart kid, and he can be very funny. Tonight he told me that Andrew was "fussing like an angry jellyfish." Come on, that's a different way of looking at things!

* For my old, little, yet reliable car that is terrible in the snow, but gets great gas mileage! The SUV can wait!

* For being able to see my parents every day of the week (sometimes I don’t see this as a blessing, but in my heart I know that it truly is).

* For little fingerprints and toothpaste spatter all over my bathroom mirror. It means that Jacob actually brushed his teeth!

Then, of course there are the big things, that I know are big things - a husband who is much more patient than I deserve, two healthy and happy boys, healthy and happy parents, in-laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and friends, a good neighborhood and good neighbors, more than enough food on our plates and a warm house to sleep in. I think back on the holidays growing up. There were good ones, and some that were not so good, but the true blessings have always remained the same. As I have aged, I have become more and more aware of the frailty of life’s blessings, and the hard work that our parents and grandparents put forth to bestow such love upon us. We owe our sincere gratitude to them, for their perseverance and foresight in building the foundation of our branching families. Its serves us all well to reflect on these things, not just during the holidays, but every day.

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob

Jacob has recently been contemplating Spongebob. Apparently he has more questions about this cartoon character than you would imagine! First, he said “How would a pineapple get under the sea anyway? The only way a pineapple would get in the ocean would be if you, plunk, dropped it there.” I guess he’s right about that.
Then he said, “Don’t you think Spongebob should live in a soap dish.”
I said, “Why?”
“Because wouldn’t it make sense for a sponge to live in a soap dish?”
Again, I guess so!
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“Mom, do people get fleas?” Oh...that’s not good to hear.
“No, people don’t get fleas... Why?”
“If they have a bad itch, then what did they get?” said as he rolled frantically around on the floor.
“Dry skin.”
“Oh. Dry skin. I’m just going to watch t.v.”
Cartoons - the cure all in the life of a kindergartner.
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Today during breakfast, Jacob said, “I haven’t seen my friend, Puce in a while.”
I thought he was talking about some kind of cartoon character, so I played along. “How do you know Puce?”
“You know, my friend from CCD, Puce.”
Oh. He’s talking about a real person! Ha! “I think you mean, Pierce.”
“No, mom. His name is Puce.”
“Jacob, Puce is the name of a yucky green color. (I think it is, anyway!) Pierce is the name of a boy.”
“Whatever, Mom.”

Sweet Snot Factory

Gotta love cold season. Pay close attention to the end. When he's smacking his lips, it's in response to the snot that is running down into his mouth. Oh how we love children! YUCK!

The Christmas Parade

Writing his letter to Santa.

Dear Santa, I want Dinosaur Mountain (He had one, but I threw it away two years ago. He just now noticed that is is missing.) Spy Gear and a Transformer Action Set. He also had me add some things to bring for Andrew - some new binkies, soft blocks, and a toy puppy.

Heading downtown.

Andrew was decked out for the occasion.

If Only We Could All Be Like Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
BE KIND ANYWAY.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
BE HONEST ANYWAY.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
BE HAPPY ANYWAY.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
DO GOOD ANYWAY.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY.
- Mother Teresa

I saw this on a wall plaque in Hallmark a few weeks ago, and I was struck by it. Regardless of our current life circumstances, aren’t these such pertinent words? Over and over, I found myself reflecting on what Mother Teresa had to say, until eventually, I went back and bought the plaque. Then, with my grandfather’s health (he continues to improve, by the way) and some other events that have happened in the family, I have found myself reading and rereading these words daily. We never know when life will throw us fantastic hurdles. We never really know how someone else is feeling or what someone else’s motives are. It’s so easy to be sad, hurt, angry, worried. It’s not so easy to forgive, be kind, be happy and honest. And in the end, when we meet our maker, how will we answer for our actions? And how do we want those we love to remember us?

This morning on the way to school I talked to Jacob about how important it is to always be nice to others and to always be honest. He understood the concepts very well, saying “Matt is always nice to me. He never steals all of my sharks when we play go fish.” Actually, my cousin Matthew is a great example of someone who is always nice to others. He’s a kind and gentle soul, and it would do us all good to emulate him once in a while.

Then I talked to Jake about trust. He said he knew what trust was, “when J.J. trusted his ankle in the morning and it felt better by lunch.” Well, no that’s ‘twist’ not trust. How cute. Then I went on to explain that he could trust me to always love and care for him, to help him and to tell him the truth. Those words he understood. He said, “When I had my first day of CCD, and I didn’t know anyone, I trusted you to help me meet the kids and stay until I felt comfortable.” Exactly. It’s something so easy to maintain, but so difficult to regain once it is lost.

My personal chore right now is finding forgiveness. I never considered myself to be someone who held a grudge, but I have recently encountered a situation where I just can’t forgive. It’s amazing, actually. I forgave my real father for the bitter, angry alcoholic that he was. I forgave my ex-husband for leaving me 5 months pregnant in the middle of the winter, and I have forgiven others for many other things. Forgiving myself has always been much harder for me, but now I am having a hard time forgiving someone else. I’ve vented to a few friends, and one (Marsha) told me to pray about it. I thought very hard about what she said, and I decided that she was right. I needed to pray for myself and for the other person. Being angry was doing no good for either of us, and I decided that I was no longer going to harbor ill feelings. Then the person stabbed me in the back again. At first I didn’t react, but the situation escalated and I angrily said, “OK. I’ll start praying again tomorrow!” :)

Well, it’s tomorrow, and I’m praying again and taking deep breaths, and thanking God again and again for the wonderful network of family and friends that I have, specifically for the continued health of my grandfather, and the fantastic blessings of my husband and sons, and the love and trust I have abounding in my life. It’s trust that this other person will probably never know and that is terribly sad. Perhaps in focusing on what the other person is lacking, I will be able to find a softer spot in my heart. In the meantime, I’m stocking up on Vodka.

Kindergarten Heart-throb

On Monday, we had Jacob's first parent-teacher conference. Of course, they had almost all positive things to say. He's a joy to have in class, a bright little guy, showing rapid improvement in all skill levels. The only negative thing they had to say was that he has a habit of making sound effects in class. Anyone who knows Jacob would not be surprised by this. He does it at home too, constantly making some kind of noise for just about everything he does. Sometimes it can be maddening! But if this is his only downfall (which I assume he will outgrow on his own...I hope he will outgrow it, at least!), then we are doing pretty well.

The director of the program also mentioned that Jacob is the class sweetheart. Apparently, all of the girls love Jake. One of the girls told the director that she was having a terrible day and all of the boys were ridiculous, except for Jacob. He was "wonderful." Must be those big blue eyes. I know if I were a 5 year old girl, they'd grab my heart. Heck, they've it grabbed at 31!

Tough Pap Ron

Shortly after Jacob was born, my mother's father, my only living grandparent, was diagnosed with colon cancer. It was caught early, and he had a good prognosis. Additionally, he's a stubborn old man, with very set ideas of how situations will play out. While the doctor explained the potential side effects of chemo, my grandfather simply refused to believe that he was susceptible. To each ailment, he simply replied, "Nah. I don't get that." Nausea: "Nah. I don't get that." Hair loss: "Nah. I don't get that." So it went, down the list. It's amazing how attitude effects treatment success, because although I doubt chemo was a walk in the park for him, he really had no major side effects. Less than a year later, he was declared cancer free.

About a year following the cancer scare, he began to have some other strange symptoms. Massive unexplained bruising and finally, a very swollen tongue. Extensive testing showed that he had a "factor 8 deficiency." It's an rare acquired hemophilia, possibly brought on my the chemotherapy. When they finally discovered what was wrong with him, the doctor wanted to life flight him to Pittsburgh. If he were to fall and hit his head, or suffer a major cut, he would bleed to death, because Altoona did not possess the technology to save his life. His response? "I can't go to Pittsburgh now. I'm having pancakes for breakfast." That's right. In the face of death, pancakes were more important. I think that he truly did not believe that his life was in danger. Eventually, my mother convinced him to allow her to drive him to Pittsburgh, where he spent a bit of time at West Penn Hospital undergoing treatment for this extremely rare disorder. He came through it relatively unscathed, and my mom bought him a huge box of Bisquick from Sams Club for Christmas that year.

Since then, over the last three years, he's had a few other ailments, but all in all he has had good health. This September, we celebrated his 80th birthday.

Early Saturday morning, I got a call from my dad. My grandfather had suffered a massive heart attack. There was little that they could do for him, because of the history of the clotting disorder, and it did not appear that he would survive. His wife (my grandmother died 20 years ago, and he remarried) agreed that he would not want any invasive procedures, and that we should allow God's will to be done. My mom called her siblings in Pittsburgh and New York, and we all prepared for the worst. I was unable to go to the hospital until after noon, because of child care. On the way in, I called my mom's cell phone just to make sure nothing had drastically changed. She said, "Changed? Oh yes, things have changed. They removed the tube and he perked right up. He sat up and started talking. All of his vital signs are stable and he is telling the nurses that he expects to be discharged!"

When we arrived, that's exactly how things were. Granted, he looked like hell. He had just had a massive heart attack. But he was lucid. They turned the pacemaker off and he was holding his own, on his own. He told me that if they didn't discharge him Saturday night, he was "breaking out" on Sunday. My mother told him that he made her look like a fool for calling everyone and telling them that he was on his way out! :)

He is not completely out of the woods now. Really, it's a waiting game. We don't know what the next few days will bring. He signed a "do not resuscitate" order today, so we all know what his wishes are, should things take a turn for the worst. Still again, one has to wonder how much attitude plays a part in our health. He simply refuses to accept that anything health related could possibly be dire, and amazingly, he keeps on ticking.

More Of the Automatic Bubbles!

Catching bubbles on his tongue - practicing for winter snow.

"This is just great!"

"Woo Hoo!"

The brothers pose together in a calm before the storm, when Andrew busts a gasket over the bubbles.

Tiny Bubbles

Loretta got Andrew an automatic bubble machine for the bathtub. I thought he would love it, but when I turned it on, it scared the daylights out of him! His little lip curled under and he started wailing. He couldn't stop for almost 20 minutes! Funny how some innocent things scare kids.

BUT - Jacob, on the other hand, loved the bubble machine. I had to bribe him to get out of the tub! I know Michelle thinks I post too many pictures of my kids (namely Jacob) nude, but this is funny!

The Band

Here are two videos I found recently. One is of band practice - Jacob pretending to play along, and the other is of Jake singing into the microphone while Greg played the drums along with the stereo. Keep in mind, these were taken by a cell phone, so the sound is a little distorted.

This is the band - "Mary Had a Little Lamb"

This is Jacob's debut, singing "Route 66" by the Rascal Flats - from the Cars soundtrack. Take note of the "Wooo!" I think this kid may just have a future in singing!

Jake Again...

One day we were walking though Macy’s and Jacob noticed a plaster-white mannequin. “Whoa!” he said. “That is some WHITE skin. I’ve never seen white skin. I’ve seen light brown skin, but never white.” I agreed with him, and I thought, “he’s right. White skin isn’t ’white,’ it’s peach or pinkish or tan, or whatever different shade it may be. It reminded me of this techno song that was popular in Germany when I was studying abroad. I can’t remember how it went exactly (help me out, Shel) but it was a black man chanting down a list, “When you’re sick, you’re green. When you’re sad, you’re blue. When you’re scared, you’re yellow. And you have the gall to call me colored.” There was a video of a person turning all shades of the rainbow. It was an odd song, but true, if you think about it. Apparently, Jacob thinks the same way! Now, how can we make some money off of that?!
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Jacob told me that before he decided to become a big brother, he took into consideration a lot of things. It’s a lot of responsibility to be a big brother, and he didn’t want to take that lightly. After he decided that he wanted to take on the task, he gave me permission to have another baby. I don’t know where he came up with that thought process, except the responsibility part. I had told him recently that he needed to model good behavior for the baby, because Andrew will look up to Jacob for guidance on how to behave. Nice to know that Jacob thinks he was responsible for Andrew’s conception. He sure thinks highly of himself!
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Andrew has moved on to the bigger, stationary, rear facing car seat. When Jake got into the car, after I initially installed it, he looked at Andrew and said, “Hey! Nice chair!”
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For some reason, Jacob is insistent on getting the baby to say “egg.” Now, whenever the baby
starts to fuss, Jacob gets directly in Andrew’s face and yells, “Egg! Egg!” It’s bizarre and highly annoying for all who witness it.

Stairway to Our House

Jacob helped Greg rebuild our front porch steps after school yesterday. Andrew watched, unimpressed. I'm just glad to have steps that aren't falling apart...well, they're almost complete anyway. The finished product is in sight!

"OK guys, that's funny. Now let me give you some real pointers."

"Fine then. But don't say I didn't tell you better."

"Just a little tighter here."


"Getting closer."



"Right here, Greg?"

Jacob for President

On Tuesday, as the country voted for our next president, my first born ran for office of kindergarten class president. His party promise was, "Vote for me and I'll give you more toys!" He ran a tough campaign, promising freshly brewed coffee to anyone who voted, but in the end he did not win. By Harbor House rule, however, the person coming in second does not lose, but rather gets Vice Presidency. Jacob was OK with that because, "the vice president has a lot of responsibility too." Graciously handled. And we are all proud, nonetheless. There were 6 boys in his class and 7 girls. He lost by one vote.

Not So Nice

There are times when I feel like the worst mother alive. I’m frequently impatient, quick to yell, have unrealistic expectations of my children’s behavior and allow myself to become easily overwhelmed with things that I know are not important in the grand scheme of life. Sometimes I am able to step back and regroup, calm myself and think logically, but I feel recently like that is more the exception than the norm. This is not the person I want to be, and it is especially not the mother I want to be.

Jacob is amazingly patient and cooperative for a five year old. Granted, there are times when he’s unruly, but most of the time, I am actually amazed at how reasonable he can be. And he is wonderful with Andrew. Jacob really, sincerely loves his brother, and the baby loves him. It’s touching sometimes to see how well they interact, especially when I know that I probably deserve little credit for the way they see each other. It makes me feel so terribly sad to know that I yell so much, and can be so harsh, yet these two little guys still hold so much love inside their little kid hearts.

I haven’t had many moments of “deep” thoughts lately. I thought perhaps it meant that I was truly just a hormonal basket case after the baby was born, and that I was now stabilizing. These days, I’m not sure that’s true. I think I just wore myself out. Now, instead of contemplating things, I simply become agitated or melancholy, without good cause. I’m still not comfortable with where I am in my life, regardless of my lack pervasive mental activity.

Would returning to work help? I don’t know. In many ways, I think it would. I would have an outlet, be needed outside my family, find purpose in the community and make some of my own money. Conversely, I would have 40 hours less each week with my children, less time to get my housework done, and less time to think - which may be a good thing. I know what it is to work full time with a child, I know what would be sacrificed and how I would compensate, and I know that this enormous feeling of burden I carry now would be at least somewhat eased. I also know that I will be less willing to entertain at home, and that I’ll be less willing to be constantly going places and doing things on the weekends. Those would be changes for us that wouldn't only effect our family unit, but others as well. There are significant pros and cons to consider when it comes to the subject of working.

I admit that I like the fact that I can clean the house anytime, and that I have room to visit and help others, which would not be possible if I worked. But I also know that after 9 months of not working, I still feel like I am mentally unraveling. I have not become comfortable with my status as a stay-at-home mom. Rather, I believe it simply gives me ample opportunity to see just how much I am failing myself, my kids and my husband. I love my children, but I need time away from them, and I wonder if I am doing them more of an injustice by staying home than I would be if I were to work. I wonder if the guilt that I would feel over being away, would be less than the guilt generated by my inadequacies made so apparent by staying home? I'm just not liking myself much these days. Something has to give, because I'm harming all of us by allowing things to stagnate.

This is a blog entry with no real direction. I just had a need to vent, and shake my head at myself. Now it’s time to stop thinking and find some realistic course of action. The problem is that I just don't know what the right course of action is.