Monday, February 28, 2011

A Picture Paints A Thousand Words

This weekend was a hard one for me. I did a lot of reflecting, a lot of soul searching, and a lot of grieving. But, the entire weekend wasn't spent in strife. I got to spend four hours on Saturday with my aunt Carmen, and my cousin Colleen. Colleen had a whole box of old photos that belonged to my recently deceased cousin, Corky. I looked through the pictures with them, listened to stories of people in generations past, and listened even more eagerly to stories about people I hold very near and dear to me, especially my grandmother and my aunt Carmen. Colleen was kind enough to give me a bunch of photos, some of which I copied for myself, and many of which I am passing along to my mom and her siblings.

At Tom's viewing, my aunt Mary Catherine also gave me a packet of photos from my childhood. It was full of picturess of me as a baby and toddler, and also had lots of pictures of my mom and my grandmother. I don't have many pictures of my grandmother, especially ones of her with me. There were several photos which met that description in the bunch from Mary Catherine, and to be honest, those photos alone brought enough light into my weekend to carry me through for a long time to come. I've actually be thinking about them throughout the last few days, an smiling every time one of them comes to my mind.

The photos I posted here are all of my maternal side of the family. Now I just need a few copies of my paternal grandparents' photos and I'll be in my own little heaven on earth.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!

Spending quality time with Aunt Velda...wondering which watch really has the right time! (She had Alzheimer's and wore something like 6 watches every day!) This is one of the few photos of me where I can see a resemblance to Andrew. Maybe he is mine, after all!

Me & my "Super Mom!"

"Uh, Jackie, let's get to cutting that cake!"
My grandparents' 25 wedding anniversary party. Here they are with my great, great aunt Mary.
Gram with me, and my grandfather with my cousin, Ian. I used to take long naps with Gram every afternoon on that couch. Seeing its crazy print brings back sweet memories!

"Pap, I think I'm allergic to that hat. Here come's another sneeze!"

Making sandcastles with my favorite person in the whole wide world.

Gram, doing one of her favorite things (and mine too, these days!), eating sweets!

Pap and me, just passing the time.

Ian and I were best buddies as small children, that is, until he tried to strangle me.

Me & Mom at the Penn State Altoona Campus reflecting pond.

So young...both of us, contemplating the world ahead.

My grandparents and my great grandmother, Bernadine.

My cousin Corky, who just passed away, and my aunt Carmen. They were in a commercial for a local furniture store.

Carmen is on the left, and Corky on the right. The photos with Carmen were in the newspaper, and ones with Corky were on local TV. Don't they just look very 50's chic? I love these pictures, and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to get them, and talk to Carmen about them. Of all the things I keep, photos are by far the most valuable, in my opinion. But, I guess anyone who knows me and my penchant for photography, already knew that.


Here's to reflecting on the past, cherishing the memories, and to the many more beautiful photos to come!

Gaining Some Clarity

For anyone who didn't know, Tom, my biological father, passed away the end of last week. He didn't die from the cancer, but rather from complications due to a massive infection. For him, and for his sister, I think it was truly a blessing. Instead of months of needless suffering, he went quickly and mercifully.

I spent a lot of time thinking that I truly didn't care about his death. Maybe I shouldn't say that I didn't care, but more that I didn't grieve. It doesn't have much effect on my day to day life. I don't feel a loss of love or an emptiness in his passing. I thought my wounds from long ago had healed. Now, I'm not so sure.

My sister and I attended the viewing on Sunday. Going in, I felt as jumpy as a cat on a hot tin roof, although I hope that I did not come across quite that bad. I would say that I knew half of the people in the room. The other half, I didn't recognize. With the exception of one, everyone was very welcoming to both my sister and me. In fact, I was thrilled to see some of my aunt's old friends, Gracie and Bucky. I have truly fond memories of them both, and I have often thought about them over the years.

I did not go to the casket. I glanced at Tom from a distance, but I did not feel the need to see him. That's not something that I think has much to do with him, but more with me. I have always felt a complete emptiness at viewings. I don't visit graves either. It's a just a body, or just a head stone, not truly the person. The loss of a person's soul is always so glaringly apparent to me, that I feel no comfort whatsoever at a wake. It always amazes me how people just sit around and make idle chit-chat, like there isn't a dead person laying on the other side of the room. I suppose many people take comfort in saying their last respects. I don't mean to disrespect the tradition, but I hope I am never laid out. When I die, sit around and have the idle chit-chit, but do it somewhere that I love, in memory of me - go to the ocean, to a park, even in my home, where I love to entertain family and friends. But I digress...

Megan and I had agreed to go to the funeral home and drive with the family to the church today, but after having the night to think about it, we both felt uneasy riding in the funeral procession. I may be his blood, but I don't view him as my dad. I haven't seen or spoken to him for nearly two decades, and I did not feel right sitting with the family, or walking with the casket to the pulpit. It felt hypocritical, and Megan and I decided that we would simply go directly to the church.

It is at the church when my emotions finally began to emerge. I suppose it was God, the comfort and protection of His house, His words spoken through the clergy that allowed me to feel what I had not felt before. No one said a eulogy, but the presiding priest grew up with Tom, knew the family, and had some general words of wisdom and comfort to offer to the congregation. It was during his homily that I truly began to understand my own feelings. I do indeed grieve right now, not the loss of Tom, but rather the loss of hopes and dreams that died with him.

The priest and Tom made their first communion together, and the priest had a photo of the communion class with him. I did not look at it, but I listened as he described it. I thought of Jacob making his first communion this April. It's easy to forget that a grown man, especially one who we view as hard and mean spirited, was once a small child. At one time, someone loved him the way I love my children, and that thought broke my heart. I thought of my grandparents and how they must have felt looking at him 50 years ago. What were their dreams for their young son? I'm certain they did not envision the life, or death, that he had.

I thought of my aunt, who is now the only surviving member of her family. How strange it must feel to be singled out that way. She has friends and cousins, her significant other, but no children of her own, no parents, no siblings. I grieve for her. Mean spirited or not, Tom was her brother, her last living tie to her mother and father.

Then there's my grandparents. They were good people, my grandmother and grandfather. They loved us with fiery intensity. My grandfather's cousin, Ginny, was at the church when we arrived. She greeted us, hugged us, and then smiled as sweetly as only Ginny can. She looked at me and said, "You have Bill's eyes." Yes, I do have his eyes, Anderson eyes. Jacob has my grandfather's eyes too. I felt very aware of my grief for him and for my grandmother at that moment.

To end his homily, the priest recounted a story likening our lives to the weaving of a tapestry, with God being the artist. Much like a weaver, God is the only one able to see the product in its entirety until the end. We do not know what lies ahead of us, and we often do not even understand our current circumstances. What we need to remember throughout our lives is that the dark threads are just as important as the light threads. The contrast of dark and light are needed to balance one another. If we allow God to do his work through us, try not to question His reasons, but rather truly "let go and let God," then we can appreciate the beauty of the final product, the tapestry of our lives. I loved the analogy, and I would like to find the written version of it for myself. It's a principle I have long subscribed to - the need for balance, the necessity of hard times to appreciate the good, and the beauty that can be found even in suffering, when one's heart is open.

At this point, I pray that Tom is no longer suffering. I hope that he has made his peace with God and with his parents and that he is finally able to rest his weary mind. I pray for Mary Catherine, to have the strength to weather this storm until she is able to see the lighter days ahead. I pray for my grandparents, God rest their souls, that they are also at peace.

In the last few days, and in the days to come, I am slowly gaining some clarity. Just in the moments it took me to write this blog entry, I have realized that my wounds from the past have indeed mostly healed. I will forever have questions, but really, what is the point in asking? Would the answers bring me any peace? Probably not. Instead, I choose to move forward and embrace the opportunities that lie ahead of me. I pray for myself, that I never allow myself to live in anger, that I cherish each and every moment with my family and friends, and that I express that gratitude to both God and my family. I thank God for the blessings He has bestowed upon me: my parents, my sisters, my husband and children, my family and friends, the people I hold dear, life's truest blessings. I am surrounded by love and light, enough to carry me through any darkness, and I truly love the tapestry that God is weaving for me.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

A Good Catholic Boy

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that Jacob's teacher has a reward system for her class. If the kids are good all week, on Friday they are allowed to pick a prize. Jacob has come home with all kinds of things ranging from bouncy balls, to pencils, to peanut butter crackers. Well, last Friday, Jacob was eager to show me his prize of choice. Before I even had a chance to pull the car away from the curb, he whipped out his treasure: a plastic statue of the Holy Family, with an inscription below it that says, "The family that prays together, stays together." It's sitting in my kitchen still. What can I say? I suppose the influence of Catholic school is becoming more and more apparent when he chooses the Holy Family over peanut butter crackers! God bless him, my good Catholic boy!


Monday, February 21, 2011

Conquering Cabin Fever

Mother nature gave us a sweet little reprieve last week, with temperatures in the 50's and plenty of sunshine. We took full advantage of the warmth, too! I ran several longer runs with only one layer of clothing, and the boys made sure to get their share of sun too. It's snowing again now, but we are grateful for the wonderful time we had over the last week, and the great memories we made with family. Rain or shine, hot or cold, everything is better with family!

There's a happy kid, if I ever saw one. What's making him smile? Well...
It's getting out on that awesome Scooby Do Hog he got for Christmas!


While Andrew and I caroused the streets of Hollidaysburg, Greg, Jacob and Pap Ed spent the day at Glendale, ice fishing. Here they are at 6:30 a.m, all bundled up and prepared to face the cold in the name of fish!
Unfortunately, they didn't bring home any fish, but they made the best of the day, soaked in the sun and roasted marshmallows. Mmmm...marshmallows...

More marshmallows...

Oh wait, did I already say they were roasting marshmallows?
On Saturday, my mother rented a room for us at the Marriott. My sister and my niece Ella came home, and my sister-in-law and my two local nieces joined us for a day of swimming, eating and well, more swimming! It was a nice idea, and I think we all had a lot of fun!

Wearing his John Lennon goggles, Andrew felt quite contemplative for a while, perhaps even channeling a new jingle while soaking in the hot tub.

"Hooray for pool toys!"

Grab your inner tubes, if you're up for more swimming!

Andrew perfects his jumping technique!

Hey, is that a Buzz Lightyear on your butt or are you just happy to see me?

"Who, me? Swallow pool water? Never!"

Real boys wear Little Mermaid swim diapers!

Jacob, always the diplomat, calls a truce between Kiersten and Brooke.

"Oh Andrew, how would you like a faceful of water?"

Towel on, ready to go. That was fun!

Nothing says "finished" like a mouth full of whipped cream!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

To Everything There Is A Season

A few days ago, I got a call from a cousin on my biological father’s side stating that Tom (my bio dad) had a large mass in his throat, and that the outcome looked dire. Last night, Tom’s sister, my Aunt Mary Catherine, called to confirm the news. He has stage 4 throat cancer. The outcome is indeed dire. She wasn’t sure which treatment options he was going to choose, but really, regardless of the course of treatment, his cancer will eventually be terminal.

I haven’t spoken to Tom in over 17 years. The last time I saw him, was at Christmas my senior year of high school. We had been growing apart (to put it nicely) for years prior to that Christmas visit. Neither my sister nor I saw him more than a few times a year, and when we did see him, it was always uncomfortable to say the least. Tom has been a mean and bitter alcoholic for as long as I have been alive, probably longer. He took out all of his own insecurities, his own shortcomings on everyone around him, and never accepted responsibility for his own life course. I have a few good memories of him. He had the potential to be a good father, a good husband, a good person, but he wasted that potential. Instead, he chose self-pity and anger, and directed all of his mental anguish outwardly at anyone who tried to get close to him. He systematically destroyed every meaningful relationship in his life. Now, in his mid-50’s (I don’t even know how old he actually is!), he is dying, nearly completely alone.

I asked Mary Catherine how his demeanor was. She said that he is the same Tom he has always been, spitting nails and breathing fire at everyone around him, including the hospital staff. She didn’t feel that he had changed at all, even when faced with his own impending death. In fact, she said that she didn’t know if she herself would be there for him when he dies, depending on how he chose to treat her.

At first, I really didn’t know what to do with the information about his illness. Am I to go to his side to try to make up for a lifetime of lost opportunities? Sorry, but no way. I don’t want to do that, and it certainly doesn’t sound like he would want me there. Am I to feel sad about his death? As terrible as that sounds, I don’t feel sad. I don’t even know him. His passing will make little difference in my life. Am I terrible for feeling that way? I have often thought that I would probably one day read about his death in the paper, and I had wondered how I would feel about it. When my aunt called me, she said that she did not call to pressure me into rekindling a relationship with him, but rather called so that I didn’t read about his death in the paper, with no prior knowledge. I’m grateful that she called. I am glad to have to opportunity to decide how I want to approach his impending death before it happens, instead of wishing later that I had known and been able to do something.

I'm no longer angry about the things that happened in my childhood, but it took a great deal of work for me to find the peace I have today. It wasn't a resolution that came easily. For nearly a decade I struggled greatly to find serenity. It was a tumultuous time for me, and for those around me who helped me make my way through the darkness. I don’t blame all of the issues I faced on Tom, but I think that a large percentage of them had at least some roots leading back to him.

My concern now is what if I did not actually resolve anything. What if the harmony I think I have was really due to distance and not true resolution? Worse yet, if I didn’t truly deal with the issues at hand, then will being faced with him uproot those old emotions once more? The truth is, I really don’t want to have a relationship with this man, and I certainly don’t want my children to know him. I purposefully live a life which is the complete opposite of his. Our house is full of love and support. We visit often with one another, we do not cut each other down for our own benefit, and we don’t drink to excess. Should I reach out to this man who brought very little sunshine, and very much rain, into my life just because he is dying? Does he deserve our love after all of that?

I think that I have indeed found resolution. While I don't foresee an interaction with him being a happy and wonderful event, I think that I am mature enough at this point in my life not to take his anger personally. His issues are his issues, not mine. The true question for me now is not to act in a way that I think will bring either comfort or discomfort to Tom. It is not a matter of what he deserves. It is not my job to judge him. He will meet his maker soon enough, and it is up to him to make amends of his own free will. My concern is that I act in a way that 10 years from now, I will still feel good about the choice I made. Does that mean ignoring him? Although that would be the easier route right now, in my heart, I know that it is probably not the road I will choose. In order to be true to myself, in accord with all of my beliefs that people need one another, that everyone deserves a chance to right their wrongs, and that the bonds of family should never be broken, I need to reach out in some small manner, while still taking into account his wishes. I'm not sure just yet how I will go about that...maybe a card would be a good start.

My approach isn't really important. The important thing for me right now, to protect my own weary heart, is to keep my own emotions in check. That means knowing that whatever his response, favorable or not, it is his response, not mine. I am not responsible for his anger, his sadness or his loneliness. I did not put him in the position he is in today, and I will not be made to feel guilty for his circumstances. I think it is a real possibility that a card could make him angry. My sister said that she could see him saying to us, even on his death bed, “Oh sure, you come around now when I’m dying. A little late, don’t you think?” I can see that too, and from how my aunt has described his present mental state, there’s probably a good likelihood of getting such a bitter reaction from him.

Somewhere in the last decade I stopped being angry and instead started feeling sorry for Tom. He has missed out on the lives of his daughters and the birth of 3 grandchildren. His absence in my life was actually not a detriment to me. I had a wonderful father, and I told my aunt that when I talk about my "dad," I am referring to Terry, really my step-father. No amount of apologizing could ever make up for the time Tom wasted, and what Tom squandered, Terry embraced. Terry is the one who knows and loves us. Terry is the man my children know as "Pap." Terry is the one whose passing I will mourn.

Tom missed out on a lifetime of joy and laughter, and instead chose to live a life full of nothing but self-wallowing and hatred. Now, he has been given a death sentence at a very young age, without any length of time to make amends. Over the next few months, however long he has, I will pray for his soul. I pray that he finds peace, if not while on his time on earth, then after death. God knows it has been a long road for him.

As for me, I think I will turn his tragedy into something good. I have the chance to truly make peace with my relationship with Tom, with or without his blessing. I also have the opportunity to rekindle a relationship with my aunt. I really don’t know her, and I don’t know much about Tom’s side of the family, sadly. There are not many of my paternal relatives still living, and those who are living are in their 50’s and 60’s. My sister and I are the younger generation of Koelles and Andersons, and we’ve had no contact with anyone on Tom’s side for almost 20 years. This is a chance to get to know them. Indeed, it was always an underlying fear of Tom that kept me from pursuing any lasting relationship with Mary Catherine, and in some ways, his illness is for me a blessing, the door I needed to be opened to allow me re-entrance into that side of my family.

I leave you with Ecclesiastes 3, because I find it quite appropriate. To everything, there is indeed, a season, and I pray that in this last season of his life, Tom finds the ability to embrace, heal and build up that which he had broken down.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Friday, February 18, 2011

In Their Words

It's time to take a break from serious posts, and posts with recipes (although I will share more good eats with you as I discover them!), and have a few moments of childish fun. Fun with thoughts from my kids, that's is, and what they've said over the past month. I have an arsenal right now, and it's time to unload!

First up, my dear Jacob:

"Mom, I'd like to see the day when Andrew will listen to reason. I mean, really, I hope I'm home for it!"
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Jacob: "If there's one thing I don't understand, it's why people smoke. "
Me: "Well, some people like the taste of it. Some people just do it because they have done it for so long that they can't stop."
Jacob: "The taste! It just tastes like tobacco rolled up in paper! Who would like that?"
I hope he keeps that mentality in his teens!
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One day I took Jacob to buy something with a gift card he had gotten for Christmas. He picked out a Hot Wheels apparatus. When we were done shopping, we drove to Andrew's preschool to pick him up. When Andrew got into the car, he took one look at Jake's new toy and said, "Oh Jacob! That's cool! I wub it!"
"Oh, Andrew," Jacob said with extremely faked sincerity, "I'm sorry. You have to be four or older to play with this toy."
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We were getting ready to visit friends one evening. The friends have several children, one of whom Jacob does not really get along with. When I told him that the little girl would be there, he said, "Oh, well, in that case, I better get my ninja suit, in case **** starts her old tricks!"
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One day when I picked Jacob up at school, he mentioned that he lost a tee (it's part of a discipline system that the teacher has. She's an avid golfer). I asked him why he lost a tee, and he said that he had not been paying attention in class. Instead, he was working ahead, going too fast and making careless mistakes. I told him that I thought he could improve that easily, by just paying attention and staying with the class. "Yeah, but Mom, the work is too easy for me. I was hoping for second grade stuff, not first grade!" Sometimes he's too smart for his own good!
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One day after school, my niece and Jacob were talking about Jacob's teacher. Brooke called her a "mean, mean, kid hating machine!" Jacob, very diplomatically said, "well, Brooke, I wouldn't go that far. I would just say that she's very strict." Yeah, Jake, way to stick up for your old teach!
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Jacob just started taking ice skating lessons, so that he knows enough to be able to attend birthday parties, etc. My niece, Kiersten, has been taking lessons for a while now. The first night of lessons, my sister-in-law drove us in. On the way home, Kiersten mentioned that she would like to be a figure skater. I told her she could go to the Olympics. In retort, Monique told Jacob that he could play for the Penguins. I said, "Yes, Jake! You could play for the Penguins and make a lot of money!" Jacob replied, "yeah, and lose a lot of teeth!" Smart kid. Good point.
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And now, on to Mr. Andrew:

A few weekends ago, I took Andrew to the grocery store. He belted out, at the top of his lungs, "Let the midnight special, shine a light on me! Let the midnight special, shine the ever living light on me!" How many toddlers do you know who have CCR songs memorized?
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Speaking of songs, he now loves to sing R.O.C.K In The U.S.A, but with his lisp, it comes out, "R.O. Thee. K in the U. Eth. Thafe."
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One day, Andrew came up to me and said, "Caleb said my daddy a poopy butt. Daddy say I kick Caleb's ass." (read that with the lisp and it's funnier) And at the word "ass," he showed me a nice kicking motion. Greg, in the meanwhile, was literally rolling on the floor laughing. Thanks, Greg! Nice one!
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Andrew calls his motorcycle a "motor fuckel." We're working on annunciation.
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I gave Andrew yogurt the other day. He calls it "fogurt," which is cute enough. As he carried the yogurt to the table, he sang, "I like it! I love it! I want some more of it!"
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Getting out of the car yesterday, Andrew said, "Mom. I cute. Miss Sarah say so." Aw. Yes he is cute, and on that note, I will leave you all!

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Where Do You Cast Your Vote?

I get a lot of flack from people about the way I eat and my refusal to shop at Wal Mart. My own sister thinks I'm nuts! Most people make their comments in jest, and I am totally able to banter back. I don't take offense at all. But, sometimes the comments get me thinking. Today I took a semi-long run (6.1 miles), which gave me plenty of time to think. I enjoy having something to toss around in my head while running, so I was grateful for today's adversaries! :)

The reasons I refuse to shop at Wal Mart, why I try to buy local goods, organic produce and free range meats are multi-faceted. Yes, to a small degree it has to do with health, but that is not the main propagator. While it's true that I have deep seated issues involving my weight, weight actually has little influence on my opinions about the food I purchase and the corporations I support. Truly, the ultimate, and rather complex, impetus behind my decisions boils down to one word: ethics.

If you have not yet watched "Food Inc" or "Wal Mart, The High Cost of Low Prices," I beg, beg, beg you to do so. Both of these documentaries have greatly influenced my views on big business, business ethics, food production and farming, sex discrimination and illegal immigration. You see, it goes well beyond not overloading your body with pesticides. In fact, that is really just the tip of the iceberg.

People need one another. We can empower one another or break each other. More often than not, I see us tipping the scales in favor of self-service rather than communal good. That's a broad statement, and really, I am talking about a lot of things. Every day, I see people who back stab one another to get ahead in their jobs. I see parents who belittle each other to gain control of the kids. I see people who lie, cheat and steal for many reasons. I see politics play out in schools where the parents who have the most money have the most say in school decisions. I see all kinds of issues that boil down to a few core principles: money, power, corruption, greed and the selfish exploitation of others to suit our own needs, long standing human flaws.

It is this same corruption happening at the corporate level that is breaking apart our country slowly and surely. My son Jacob understood perfectly when he was 4 years old and he told the director of Harbor House, "When you shop at Wal Mart, you give Wal Mart money and take business away from the little stores. Then the people who work at the little stores will lose their jobs." He didn't just tell Gary, he told anyone and everyone who even mentioned "Wal Mart." He was devastated when he found out my mother shopped at Wal Mart. If a 4 year old can get it, why can't we all? Well, because it's very complex. There's a major abuse of power at play.

This is how I see it: It's small town America, maybe Hollidaysburg. People there may not be poverty stricken, but they are not all rolling in money either. They support one another. They shop at the farmer's market. They get their tools from Joe, the local hardware store owner. They meet at the local cafe on Main Street for coffee with friends, and stop at the post office on the way to lunch. They have a historic society, and a borough council. How nice!

Then big, rich Wal Mart comes into the town. Wal Mart says, "Hey, we can sell you the exact same tools as Joe, at half the cost!"

"Well," everyone thinks, "It won't hurt if I get my tools at Wal Mart. I can save so much money!" Then slowly, one by one, patronage at Joe's shop dwindles. Eventually, he has to close the business that has been in his family for 65 years. Everyone now shops at Wal Mart, thinking they are getting a deal. It stinks for Joe, but only Joe and his family has been hurt here, right? He'll find something else. Little do they know that Wal Mart has actually been slowing increasing the prices of those cheap tools they hooked everyone on in the first place, so that the people would not notice. Eventually, the town folk are paying the same amount that they would have paid at Joe's for tools that are of lesser quality, because they have been manufactured by children in China (and no, that's not a joke). Now who has been hurt? Well, Joe, his family, the people of Hollidaysburg, and all of those children in China who have been exploited. What about the factory workers here who lost contracts because Wal Mart decided to outsource?

Oh, and don't tell me that Wal Mart employs so many people that they are surely giving back to the economy. Wal Mart employs hundreds of thousands of people at just under full time so that they do not have to provide health benefits for their workers. Of all of the US corporations, Wal Mart is responsible for having more employees seeking public assistance than any other business. Not only that, Wal Mart has more lawsuits against it for race and sex discrimination than any other company as well. You're a young woman working at Wal Mart. You would like to move into management to help support your family. Tough cookies, sister. Not gonna happen. Even less likely if you are black. And forget about any employment at all if you try to start or join a union. Don't believe me? Watch the documentary. Do some research on your own. Wal Mart is evil.

How does Wal Mart fare for charitable contributions? They have all those commercials saying how much they care about their communities. Their employees donate tons out of their own paychecks. Many of Wal Mart's charitable contributions do not come from the corporate office, but rather from the employee's pockets - the same employees who need public assistance to get medical care and buy their groceries. How are you feeling about Wal Mart now? Don't you wish you had continued to shop at Joe's? Don't you wish Wal Mart never reared it's ugly head in the first place?

These examples are just scratching the surface. I am wordy enough, and I am choosing to stop the Wal Mart rant at this point, but do you understand a little better now? It's about ethics. It's about how we treat one another. You yourself may not subscribe to this belief system. You may never treat another person with such callous disregard. You are still supporting the business and its lack of ethics with every single purchase you make. At one point in "Food Inc" the narrator says something like, "every time you scan an item at the cash register, you cast your vote." You can kid yourself, but really, no purchase is innocent. Who are you voting for? Still think you can't afford to stop shopping at Wal Mart? Think hard about it, and honestly tell me how on earth you can afford to continue shopping there?

It's the same principle that drives my desires to buy organic produce and free range eggs and meats. Yes, I care about what is going into my mouth, but I care more about how that animal was treated before it got to my plate. I'm not a vegetarian. I don't plan to become one. I believe that we are to eat animals. Our bodies need animal protein to be healthy. I don't believe, however, that animals were meant to be disrespected, maltreated and abused solely for our benefit. These creatures have put down their lives for our benefit. The very least we can do is treat them humanely before they die, and respect their remains once they are gone.

Chickens were not created to be crammed by the thousands in dark, hot quarters, surrounded by dead peers, so fat that they are unable to support their own body weight. I'm sorry. There is absolutely no way you can look at that footage and feel OK about buying chicken from Tyson or Perdue. It is a blatant disregard for life. Complete greed and utter disrespect not only to those chickens, but also to their Creator.

Not only is it a disservice to God and the chickens, but also to the farmers who care for them. These men and women have been cornered into taking out loans, building huge shelters, going into massive debt in order to meet the company's standards and then paid a pittance. If the companies find one thing to their disliking, the farmers are cut off, with no way of fighting back. No way of fighting because the very government that rules this country is filled with corruption - men and women who have shares in these businesses - Tyson, Perdue, you name it. They won't back any bills to support the little guys. The business have all the power, all the money and the little farmers have no means to hire lawyers who could even begin to take on the massive corruption that lies in congress.

It's not just chickens, either. It's all meat. And it happens with vegetables too, especially corn. There are all kinds of seed laws, and laws against crops that catch farmers in ridiculous binds. There are ridiculous laws regarding genetically modified crops, and absurd atrocities that come from the subsidisation of corn. Corn subsidies alone are the cause of so many problems from low incomes to e.coli in cattle. Watch the video. Do some research. People are losing their livelihood. Their families are endangered, and they are helpless.

Think I'm done? I'm not. Some of the meat processing plants actually recruit desperate citizens of Mexico to work illegally in the US. They bring them across the boarder, set the immigrants up in trailers, even bring their whole family along. Everything seems to be going well, even though these workers are making a pittance and having all kinds of health problems because of unsanitary work conditions. That's the least of their worries, because sooner or later, the company rats out the workers. That's right. The companies have deals with government officials. The company agrees to rat out several workers every so often, in exchange for not being prosecuted by the government for illegal employment. The government rounds up and deports these people, and the company in the meantime has already recruited another dozen workers from somewhere else across the boarder.

It's bad. This country is in a very poor state right now. We are not heading in a positive direction. We are corrupt, greedy, and callous. It doesn't have to be that way, though. I'm not crazy. I know that I cannot save the world, but I can do my best to live up to my own standards of integrity. I can teach my children how to live with gratitude as well. What if we all said, "I can't help. I'm just a drop in the bucket." Pretty hopeless, isn't it? Now, what if we all said, "I can help. My drop, along with my friends' and my family's drops will overflow the bucket for the good." It takes effort from everyone, and no amount of effort is too small.

Can't afford organic? You would be able to if everyone else bought it too. It's more expensive, at least in part, because there's less demand for it. Start slowly, buy organic only when it's on sale, or pick one or two items from the "dirty dozen" list and buy those (go here, if you don't know what the dirty dozen are: http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/eat-safe/Dirty-Dozen-Foods). Check out some local butchers or farmers. We get our ground meat for $4 a pound, not much more than you are paying, I bet. We get our eggs from a local farmer who has happy chickens, doing happy chicken things, for LESS than store bought eggs, at $1.50 a dozen. Do some research. Buy your milk from a local dairy. Support your local economy. It's not always more expensive, but it is always more beneficial. Don't be a thoughtless consumer. Eat thoughtfully, shop thoughtfully. Think before you buy. Which way are you casting your vote?

If you can't rent the whole videos (you should), at least watch these clips:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enwU5jIXSlU - a chicken farmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqQVll-MP3I&feature=related - trailer, Food Inc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wZBk1Hjl60 - WalMart's poor employees
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiSmlmXp-aU&feature=relmfu - Wal Mart trailer

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

More Good Eats

Mmm...don't these look delicious?

Want a closer look? OK, here you go! Try not to drool on your keyboard.

That, my friends is a deliciously stuffed baby bella mushroom. Would you like the recipe? Sure! No problem!

Vegetarian Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms:
4 large portobello mushrooms, gills removed with a spoon and discarded, keep the stems (I used 12 baby bella mushrooms, which worked out perfectly with this recipe)
4 portobello mushroom stems, chopped
1 shallot, minced
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tsp fresh rosemary (I used a sprinkle of dried)
1/4 cup white wine
3 ounces goat cheese (I used Feta, only because I forgot to get goat cheese when I was in the deli section, and I didn't want to turn around for it. It was still good!)
1/4 cup crasins, minced
1/2 cup skim milk
1 & 1/4 cup seasoned bread crumbs

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Heat a pan over med-high heat with olive oil. Add the shallot, minced mushroom stems, garlic and rosemary. Cook for 2-3 minutes, or until garlic is browned. Add the wine. Let it reduce for about a minute. Remove from heat, add the remaining ingredients, and stir until evenly combined. Fill the mushroom caps with the stuffing. Cover and bake 12 minutes. The original recipe says to serve it over a salad, but we ate them plain, with baked sweet potatoes on the side.
(Original recipe from www.nomeatathlete.com)


Updated Black Bean Brownie Recipe, AKA Cocoa/Banana Bars:

I just couldn't call them brownies, because they really taste nothing like brownies. I fiddeled around with the recipe and found a combination of ingredients which were not too gooey, and tasted good too! Like I said, it's not Betty Crocker that you will be biting into, but it is definitely a healthy alternative to satisfy your sweet tooth - one with protein, fiber, very little sugar or fat, and still big on taste! Yummy!

Now, without further adeiu...
Cocoa/Banana Bars:

15 ounces black beans, rinsed and drained
2 whole bananas
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 + 1/8 cups raw sugar
1/4 cup instant oats
1 tsp nutmeg
2 tbsp ground flaxseed
1/8 tsp salt


Combine all ingredients in food processor or blender. Pour into greased 8X8 pan, and bake at 350 for about 30 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Happy eating!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Planning Ahead

Whether you are trying to lose weight or simply trying to be conscious of your diet and eat healthy, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to plan ahead. Lack of planning leads to impulse eating, which is almost never good. Planning ahead allows you to keep your blood sugar in check, which will seriously curb cravings for "bad" foods, and it makes having healthy snacks and meals much easier. Who wants to peel and cut a cucumber when you are starving? Not me. I'd rather grab a cookie! Having already chopped veggies on hand, and eating them before you get to the ravenous stage will eliminate a lot of diet woes. You won't feel hungry, you will have more energy, and you'll be happier, knowing that you made a healthy choice.

I usually spend my Sunday mornings preparing for the week as much as possible. Lately, I have opted out of a regular salad and instead have been eating a broccoli, chick pea and red pepper mix. It's so good with either the red wine vinaigrette or a balsamic vinaigrette. All three of those veggies will last the week, so I prepack 5 containers of broccoli salad on Sundays. I also boil a few eggs for Greg and I for the week. Sometimes Greg eats eggs, and sometimes he doesn't, so depending on his appetite, I may or may not have to boil more mid-week. I also cut up a cucumber, celery, carrots or whatever veggies I have on hand to munch on throughout the day. Cucumbers won't last the week, so I usually only make up two baggies at a time of raw veggies.

I always make sure that my lunches are assembled at night, before I go to bed, so that I am not scrambling around in the morning trying to get everything I need. I make the boy's lunches at night too. It makes mornings so much easier.

I always plan meals before I grocery shop and make my list accordingly. I usually head back to the grocery store mid-week, so I keep a running list of needed items on the side of my fridge. That way, I can just jot down what I need, as I realize I need it. I also pick out all of our clothing - mine and the boys - on Sunday. I iron everything and lay out our outfits so that I don't have to worry about it once the chaos of the week ensues. OK, that last pointer has nothing to do with eating, but it is certainly a way to make life during the week easier, so I thought I would throw it in! :)

I am a planner by nature, so all of this comes very naturally to me. I like to plan ahead. It makes me feel productive and efficient. Waiting until the last minute makes me feel unprepared, and honestly, that is one of the worst feelings for me. Planning can make some people feel pressured. It can become a burden for me too. Sometimes if I don't follow my routine and get my planning and organizing done ahead of time, I feel anxious. But I know myself well. That anxiety of getting things done is much better than the anxiety of being caught unprepared.

You know yourselves too. It all comes down to balance, once again. What works for you, probably differs from what works for me. Whatever it is, however you find your balance, I hope that it brings you a healthy outlook, lots of energy, and most of all, enthusiasm for life and health!
My week's worth of salads, some cut veggies for today, Monday and Tuesday, and yes, that's a black bean brownie on top of the stack of salads! Hey, gotta have some treats (and that's a healthy one!)
I also hard boil eggs for lunches during the week. They are a good source of protein, portable and easy to eat. I have one most days.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

A Vegan Kind Of Day

Note: No animals were harmed in the making of any of the following recipes; however, multiple forearm epidermal cells were sacrificed in the name of brownie love.


Healthy eating truly relies on planning. Rarely can you just throw together items on a moment's notice and have a healthy meal. I believe the effort it takes to eat right is a deterrent to many Americans. We like to just "wing-it," which doesn't work well when you are talking about dietary health. You need to have produce, and the right produce, on hand. There isn't a way (that isn't wasteful ) that I've found enabling me to have the right produce available without planning. There's just no way around it. Plan your meals and you will eat, and feel, better.

I usually plan for 3-4 meals at a time and make my grocery list accordingly. I always go back to the grocery store mid-week for more produce. Believe me, I hate the grocery store, but it's unavoidable. To shop only once a week, puts a lot of produce in your fridge, and unfortunately, it won't last. By the end of the week, you won't have any viable veggies, and you'll be irritated at the money you have thrown out. Europeans shop nearly every day. They take their own bags, carry them in their bicycle baskets and get fresh food throughout the week. Take a look at European health vs our health. Perhaps they are on to something! I'm looking forward to the summer when I can take the boys and walk to the local grocery store for those smaller, mid-week trips. For now, we're stuck driving.

So, today was a shopping day for me. Today we will be eating split pea soup and vegan black bean brownies! Yum! Andrew and I stocked up on goods this morning, and then spent the rest of the morning in the kitchen. The results were delicious!

Now, as you all know, I don't claim to be a chef. I can follow a recipe, that's about it. So I cannot take credit for either of these recipes. The pea soup recipe is actually found on the back of the dried split peas at Giant Eagle, but if you don't have a Giant Eagle, then here is the recipe for you. The brownie recipe was given to me by a coworker and fellow health food lover. I have to credit Amanda for finding the recipe and for turning me on to a great website: http://www.nomeatathlete.com/. They have tons of great recipes. In fact, I'm planning a vegetarian stuffed mushroom dinner one night this week. I'll let you all know how it goes!

For now, here are my recipes from today:

Split Pea Soup:

2 cups dry split peas
2 quarts vegetable broth
1 cup chopped celery (I use 5 stalks, it's usually just a bit more than needed)
1/4 cup chopped onion (I use half of an onion, also a little more than called for)
1/2 cup diced carrots (I use 4)
1 bay leaf
1/4 tsp thyme
salt and pepper to taste (I use white pepper)

Bring peas and broth to a boil. Simmer 2 minutes and remove from heat. Let stand for 1 hour. Add vegetables and spices. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer 2 1/2 to 3 hours or until peas are soft. (I only simmer it for about an hour. The veggies get mushy when you cook it the whole time, and I prefer them not mushy). Add salt and pepper to taste.


This is your finished product:


Now, on to dessert! I finally was able to use the nifty food processor that my parents got us for Christmas. I was excited about that in and of itself! (Sometimes it doesn't take much to amuse me!)

Black Bean Brownies

15 ounce can of black beans, drained and rinsed
2 whole bananas
1/3 cup agave nectar (I used apple juice concentrate, because Agave nectar spikes blood sugar the same way high fructose corn syrup does. I love it, but I'm trying to avoid it now)
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup raw sugar
1/4 cup instant oats (you may want to use 1/2 cup of oats. My brownies were a little fudgy, for my taste)

Combine all the ingredients in either a food processor or a blender:

Pour into 8x8 greased pan. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean (it took mine about 45 minutes).


The finished product. These brownies were good, but if you are expecting them to taste like Duncan Hines, you will be disappointed. They are a good substitute, but they definitely taste like a healthy alternative. I would make them again, though. I might add a touch more sugar and I will definitely add more oats next time. But I love that the sugar content is relatively low, and the carb content is derived mostly from fruit and beans, so much healthier than flour!


Let me know what you think ~ or if you have any other dessert substitution recipes. I'd love to have them! In the meantime, Bon Appetit!

Lye-ar, Lye-ar


Isn't that just the nicest, cleanest 14 year old stove you've ever seen? Wanna know my secret?
When the stove grates get too grimy to simply wipe clean, I put them into a garbage bag, spray them with Easy Off, tie the bag shut and let them sit over night. The next morning the grime literally wipes off with a cloth. No scrubbing or elbow grease required. My Aunt Kathy gave me this pointer when we first moved into our home. I had a cook-top before this gas range, and I had special cleaner for it. While the cook-top was much easier to keep clean, I prefer a gas range. Anyway, Kathy saw me scrubbing my stove grates with steel wool (which also works, but it's a true pain), and she recommended the Easy Off method. I've been using it ever since.

Now, you are probably wondering why this is blog-worthy. First of all, come on. I'm known as the "Queen of Clean," to some, so why would it surprise you that I am thrilled by something as simple as a clean stove top! Actually, though, that's not the main reason. I just cleaned my stove top this morning with my tried and true method, but it has been almost a year since my previous cleaning. A year! Me, go a year between cleanings??? I know. That's the truly absurd part.

Here's why: I used to take the grates outside, under our back porch to spray them, because Easy Off is extremely noxious. I would let them sit outside and then bring them back in to wipe and rinse. The last time I cleaned them, there must have been a hole in the bag I used, because I unknowingly dripped lye all through my house. It was several hours after I had cleaned them that Jacob asked me what the brown spots were on our newly re-done hardwood stairs. I looked over the railing at the spots, and my first thought was that he took chocolate milk to the game room and spilled it. He denied that, and when I looked more closely at the dots, which did not wipe off, I realized that the finish on the wood had been eaten away. I'm not kidding, it was on every single step, all 14 of them, and the landing. It dripped lye on the tile too, but it wasn't strong enough to do damage to the tile. The stairs, however, had to be completely sanded and refinished. The worst part of it was that I wasn't the one to refinish the steps. Greg had to do it. Somehow it's always ten times worse when you know someone else has to clean up your mess, in this case, literally. He handled it with extreme grace, though. He didn't even yell at me. Had the tables been turned, I guarantee I wouldn't have been so nice about it. (Love you, babe!)

Since then, I've been afraid to take the stove grates outside again. I don't want a repeat performance, and I'm sure Greg doesn't either. I have been asking Greg to take the grates to work and do it there, where it wouldn't matter if lye spilled, but he keeps forgetting. Plus, it's really not right for him to be cleaning our stove while at the plant. So last night, I decided to be brave and cautious and spray the grates in our kitchen. I placed them in the bag, inside the oven over night, and was extremely careful this morning when I removed them. Operation successful! (At least as far as I know, please!)

Now, I am starting off my weekend with a shiny, like new, stove top, and a worry free mind! Ah...the little things!

Goofing Around

Look, Mom! My pinkies fit nicely inside my nose!

Just kidding! Let me flash you a denture smile!

I wub this blankie!

Snuggle up! It's coldy, coldy!

Jake's fool-proof, stay warm method: flannel footie pajamas, a flannel robe, and a pair of giant, fuzzy Santa socks. A true fashion statement!


Jake takes time out of his special day to bond with the dogs.

Sharing the burden of blowing out the candles.

Jake and Pap

Jelly Bellies and Tequila...the ultimate birthday gift for Pap!

Legos Mars Mission - the ultimate birthday gift!

Mimi's homemade birthday cake is very kind to Pap.