It's sad that she has passed on, but in many ways, I am glad for her. She had been struggling with her health for some time now. She had expressed that she no longer wanted to fight life's fights, and with her passing, her suffering has ended. What's truly sad, in my opinion, is that she died alone. In a family as big and close as mine, how could we possibly have had someone pass away by herself?
Well, Corky was an only child. She was divorced decades ago, and never had any children of her own. Still, she was born into a family full of cousins, people who were much more than family, people who were friends. But Corky lead a very unbalanced life. I will not go into the details. It does no good to speak ill of the dead. Let's just say that she took much more than she gave to her relationships. After a while, people got tired of feeling used, and slowly, one by one, she ostracized herself from all but a few resilient family members.
Corky never wronged me. I could not speak of personal bad experience, but I can certainly understand why my family members felt frustrated with her. Some of the things she did were so utterly selfish, that she truly did deserve to be excluded. I personally have never been someone to hold a grudge. In a very few instances I have carried a chip on my shoulder for a few years, but eventually, it passes. I may not forget, but I am able to forgive. Others do not find forgiveness as easy, especially when it is personal.
I have to wonder, though, what her motivations were. Was she truly aware of the depth of her actions or was she simply selfishly oblivious? I believe there is a difference between calculated dishonor and ignorant missteps. Which was she guilty of? I don't know. I do know that she was terribly depressed in the latter part of her life, which could certainly account for something. Maybe that needs to be taken into account.
We have all been in relationships that are unbalanced. There are those that are toxic and simply need to be ended. There are those in which one of us gives much more than the other. And there are some in which none of our efforts are reciprocated. To me, one of the most important things we can do as humans, is not just to value one another, but also to express that gratitude. I try very hard to keep up relationships with those I hold dear, regardless of the miles between us, or how busy our schedules get, there is always time to let someone you love know that you love them. You can send a quick text or an email. You can fit in a coffee date once or twice a year, even if (in my case) you have to schedule it months in advance to make sure it happens. If you value a relationship with someone, you will make time for them.
Joan Baez begins "Forever Young" with these words: "May God's blessing keep you always. May your wishes all come true. May you always do for others, and let others do for you." We can complicate our relationships with all kinds of clutter, but when it all boils down, the crux of life is balance, the simplest form of give and take. I try very hard to make sure that I am giving back in my relationships, that they are not one sided. The degree and the type of reciprocation varies from one relationship to another. What I give to my parents is vastly different from what I give to my children. Friendships that span miles are different from local friends. Even my interactions with my two sisters are greatly different. There are some relationships where I give more, and some where I take more, but the key, in my opinion, is to not always be the taker, period. We always have something to give, and I am not talking about material items - a listening ear, a hug, a laugh, encouragement - these are often more imporant than any thing we could produce.
I feel sad for Corky. I feel sad not because I am mourning the loss of her, but rather because I am not mourning her passing. I feel sad that she was not able to find that balance of give and take, and that she died unnecessarily alone.
In her honor, I choose not to think back on the times when she acted less than generously. Every person has redeeming qualities, and Corky was no exception. She had a wonderful sense of humor, a contagious laugh, and a love of children. I pray that she has found happiness, reunited with her mother, with my grandmother, and those who have gone before her. Most of all, I pray that she has found peace in her heart. God rest your soul, Joanne McClellan, may God's blessing keep you.
Feb 4, 1932 - Jan 31, 2011
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