Birthday Boy

Andrew turned 4 last week.  If you are friends with me on Facebook, you've already seen most of the pictures.  He had a little party on Tuesday with us and his grandparents and then a bigger party on Saturday with extended family.  On Sunday when he got up he asked me if his birthday was coming soon.  I said, "Buddy, your birthday is over."  He frowned, dropped his head and whimpered.  Poor little guy.  I think he had a good time last week!   

"Oh my!  I'm so verklempt!"

"Look, Mimi!  My teeth are just like the dinosaur's!"

"Ah, yes...sticks and balls...a perfect boy gift!"

"Andrew, this says that 10% of your birthday proceeds go to Pap's retirement fund."

Guess he doesn't like my singing.

"Uh...just give me a fork.  You don't have to cut it."

Andrew took a moment to recognize and reflect on all his blessings...either that, or he was contemplating the ways to torture his brother with some of the gifts he got.  Yeah, which do you think is more likely?

Crazy cousins

She used to be such a pretty girl, til her face froze that way.  

Ring, Ring

One night last week I dreamed that I was trying to get into a night club run by Turkish people.  (Go ahead and laugh.  That part of the dream is goofy and unexplainable!)  In order to get into the club, the bouncer told me that I had to place all of my jewelry into a basket and then go down a set of stairs to get the password from another man.  He assured me that my jewelry was safe, and so I reluctantly gave him every piece of jewelry I own, except for my diamond and wedding band. (Even in my dreams I love Greg too much to give away the symbol of our marriage!)  I went down the stairs, got the password from the man, and when I returned, the bouncer had given away my basket of jewelry, surprise, surprise. 

I was frantic about the jewelry because among it was my grandmother’s ring, which I wear every day, and a necklace that she gave me when I was in elementary school.  Now, while I still have that necklace tucked away in a jewelry box, I haven’t looked at it in years.  I don’t know why I would dream about it, or the ring.  All I know is that I was beside myself with emotion, insisting that I get my jewelry back.  The bouncer remained very calm and shrugged his shoulders.  I pleaded with him, told him he could keep everything except the ring and the necklace, but nothing worked.  My belongings were never returned. That was the end of the dream.  I never got my jewelry back.

The very next night I dreamt that I was inside a cabin, like the kind used for summer kids’ camps.  For some reason, I took my ring off and it fell onto the floor, bounced along the floorboards and then dropped through a crack.  Try as I might, I was unable to get the ring back. 

Almost a week went by and then I dreamed again about the ring.  Last night I dreamt that I was in the restroom at work.  Two of my coworkers were there too.  I took off my rings and began to wash them in the sink when one of my coworkers picked up my grandmother’s ring from the counter and commented on how small my fingers were.  I do have small fingers (for real, I wear a 4.75 ring) and I told her that people have said that before.  She then put my grandmother’s ring under the running water to rinse it and accidentally dropped it into the sink where it slid down the drain. 

Recurrent dreams are not new to me.  I’ve told you all before that I have recurring themes as long as I can remember.  I also frequently have stressful dreams.  There is always some kind of discomfort, discord, drama, etc.  But I never dreamed specifically about my ring before.  Now I have had three dreams about losing that ring within a week.  Who is good at interpreting dreams?  What the heck does it mean?  It has to mean something!  Today I checked the prongs on the ring to make sure they were secure.  I’ve been diligent about always putting my ring away when I’m not wearing it.  I’m guessing that the dreams actually have nothing to do with the ring itself, but are rather about whatever it is that the ring means to me.  It can’t be that I’m feeling like I’m losing my connection to my grandmother, because that’s just not true.  She’s been gone for nearly 24 years now.  I don’t feel like anything has changed with our relationship! 

So…who knows dreams?  What does it mean? I need some ideas!  I’m going crazy!   

I am...

I have a subscription to Runner's World magazine, and it seems like almost every month there is an inspiring story about someone who went through a debilitating injury and came back stronger, if not faster.  I eagerly read every one of them, searching for any (even remote) similarity to me.  I keep hoping that some day I will write my own comeback tale.  I can hardly say that my injury is debilitating, but I definitely can't run.  After 5 months of treatment and absolutely no running, I was finally pain free near the end of February.  Encouraged and hopeful, I bought a new pair of shoes, and decided to hit the road again.  I honestly expected my body to rebel and scream at me, but it didn't.  I walked half a mile as a warm-up and then slowly began to jog.  I ran one mile at a 9:30 pace, which is slow but reasonable after a seemingly endless hiatus.  At the end of that mile, I could have kept going.  I felt great.  I wasn't fatigued.  My hip didn't hurt.  My lungs didn't burn.  I was ecstatic to be back in the game.  Knowing that I have a tendency to over-do it, I made my self stop.  I walked another half a mile as a cool down and when I finished I stretched and iced immediately.  I felt good, optimistic, confident.  But within two hours, my lower back seized up, my hip began to ache, and despite 800mg of ibuprofen, by that evening, I couldn't walk, sit or stand without pain.  It took two weeks for the pain to subside, and the stiffness is still present, 6 weeks later.  I returned the shoes (which were super awesome, by the way - they were Brooks Pure Cadence, lightweight stability shoes.  I highly recommend them.  It was like running on air).  There's no point in paying $120 for running shoes if I can't run.  I don't need fancy shoes for walking.

The weather is getting nice, and there are runners out all over.  Every time I see someone running, I watch with envy as they stride past me.  When I drive along some of my old favorite running routes, I am filled with longing to run, to feel the road under my feet, the wind in my hair, the sweat in my eyes, the clarity in my mind.   Over the past two weeks or so, it seems as if I am updated almost daily on the quickly approaching Pittsburgh Marathon.  Every time I see the words, the logo or even hear a mention of it, I am reminded of my own failed goal.  I was so eager to run my first 26.2 this May.  This time last year, I was kicking out 13 miles with no problem, and now I can't even run one without repercussions.  I have been trying to shift my focus away from what I can't do, but it's not always easy.  Running was not just something that I did.  It was part of my identity.  Yes, I am walking almost daily.  It's nice to walk.  It's better than nothing.  I can think while I walk, but at some point during every walk I consider jogging just a few blocks.   Andrew also loves to run.  He runs one block at at time, and I have no choice but to keep up with him.  He's a fast little bugger, and those little jaunts are at a decent pace.  I keep thinking that I should time him.  I am certain he's running under a 10 minute mile.  As I jog beside him, I focus on how my feet hit the ground, how my body feels,  and I almost always think, "I could do this again, right?  I could be a runner.  I am a runner."

One of my dear high school friends is running the half marathon in Pittsburgh in two weeks.  She wrote to me yesterday, asking for some of my favorite songs so she could put them on her play list and take me with her in spirit.  What a wonderful thought!  Thanks for thinking of me, Kelli.  I will definitely  be there with you in spirit, and maybe next year I will be there in person too...or maybe I won't be.  I want to get back on the road.  I want to run again, but I know that I may not.  I go back and forth between hope and resignation.  Maybe I should just listen to my body and accept that my running days are done.  I've spent the last few months trying to come to terms with that thought, but I'm not quite there yet.  Just because I'm not running right now, doesn't mean I have completely thrown in the towel.  Running a marathon was the only item on my bucket list, remember?  It's not that easy to give up a dream.

The truth of the matter is that right now, I am not a runner.  While running was a big part of my identity, it was not my only defining characteristic.  Running is just one part of me, one part of me that doesn't currently exist.  Instead of focusing on one deficit, I have decided to make a list of some of my other defining qualities, and leave you all with this lovely list of "me."  Here you go:

I am not a runner, but I am...

• a mother
• a wife
• a daughter, and sister
• an aunt, a niece and a cousin
• a friend
• a perfectionist
• fashion impaired
• artistically challenged
• college educated
• a sun-worshiper
• an over-thinker
• a coffee-lover
• a chia seed pusher
• a music lover
• an animal lover
• an avid reader
• a half-decent singer
• afraid of bats
• mostly organized
• neat
• a cleaner and organizer
• a planner
• right handed
• blue eyed
• small boned
• a good speller
• sometimes a leader
• sometimes a follower
• currently obsessed with anything related to the possibility of an after-life
• fun
• kind
• sensitive
• thoughtful
• impatient 
• quick tempered
• worrisome
• high strung
• stubborn
• rational
• fair
• conscientious
• sentimental

That's all I can come up with for now, but it's a start.  You see, the "I ams" far outnumber the "I am nots," and that was the point, after all.  Feel free to add to it (but be nice - I'm trying to boost my self-esteem, remember!) 

Let's Go To The Movies!

Oh, wait.  I meant circus.  I've had Annie songs running through my head since this weekend because of that darned cat!  

Yesterday we took the boys to the circus.  They had a great time.  Jacob laughed the whole way through it, especially during the dog show.  In typical circus tradition, they gorged themselves on junk food.  It took Andrew about 0.3 seconds to realize that all you need to do to summon a vendor was raise your hand.  He waved down every single person who walked by us yelling, "Popcorn!  Cotton candy!  Snow cones!  Pepsi!"  They both came home with light up wands, blow up toys and stuffed animals.  I would say that equals a successful night out!  

Andrew enjoyed the animal acts too, but the funniest thing he said was during one of the gymnastic acts.  He looked at me and said, "Mom, her's not wearing any underwear!"  It did look that way!  I was wondering where I can get a pair of those skin-tight leopard pants for Greg.  They were super hot! 

I told the boys they could sleep in today, since they didn't go to bed until about 1030 last night.  Sleep in?  The boys don't know the meaning of those words.  They were both up before 630.  That's OK, though.  I was feeling a little guilty about sending in an excuse that said, "Please excuse Jacob's tardiness this morning.  He was exhausted from a night of candy and entertainment."  Just doesn't seem like an incredibly valid reason to be late in my opinion.  

Today Jake is going fishing with Greg's dad after school, and Andrew and I have some errand running to do for his birthday party after work.  It's only Tuesday, but it's been a busy week already! 

Checking out the poor elephants, carting around hundreds of squirming kids and adults.  

"Awesome!  We don't have to get the food - it comes right to us!"

Mmm...cotton candy!

Already sporting the "sugar crazed" eyeballs! 

Light up magic wands!  Too bad they couldn't wish me a skinny ass!

Jacob's attempts to morph his brother into a complacent servant proved that magic only exists on TV!

Weekend Review

We had yet another busy weekend.  On Saturday, I cleaned the entire house top to bottom.  There wasn't a place in the house I didn't touch.  I even cleaned the front porch (but not the back - I gotta draw the line somewhere!)  Andrew and I ran some errands and picked up circus tickets for Monday night.  I actually despise the circus, but somehow I got cajoled into going with my neighbor.  The boys will like it, and so will Sharon.  I can fake it for a couple of hours.  I just hope no elephants run amok!  Maybe Sharon will buy me a gigantic inflatable alien!  That would make the whole night worthwhile!  

After getting the tickets, Andrew wanted to go to Texas Hot Dogs for lunch.  Nothing says "healthy" like hot dogs with chili sauce and onion rings!  They are actually good, but I think I burped onion ring grease for at least 6 hours after we ate.  Ew.  

Saturday evening my brother and sister-in-law came down for an old fashioned jam session with just Freddie and Greg.  The boys had a great time playing together for old time's sake, and it was nice for Dalann and I to have a chance to catch up too.  

On Sunday, I took Jacob, Andrew and two neighborhood friends of Jake's to Slinky Action Zone for a couple of hours.  The kids had a good time playing and came home with a bunch of extra crap they don't need, which is the true measure of a successful outing in a child's perspective.

Sunday evening we built another fire and made more S'mores.  The boys love the fire, and they especially love the marshmallows.  You should've seen the mess in person ~ the pictures don't do it justice!

Jake couldn't resist a pose while I tried out my new phone's camera.

You forgot to dust the bookshelf.  There's cat hair on it.

Sam makes one hell of a supervisor.

"You'll scrub till this place shines like the top of the Chrysler Building!"  (Yes, I'm a musical geek.  Annie is one of my favorites...and Sam does remind me of Miss Hannigan sometimes!  He's relentless!)

We found our seats for the circus on Monday.  He loved the building, even though it was empty and full of construction materials!

Before one eats, it is imperative to become one with the hot dog. 

Practicing his cutting skills...not bad, except he ditched the fork.  

Andrew found the "turn around" option on my phone's camera.  

Obviously, he wasn't nearly as horrified with his own image as I was with mine!

The neighbor boys and my boys posing at Slinky Action Zone.

Jake is a skee ball mastermind.

Andrew was dying to have a "pet" from the claw arcade game.  Those things are such a rip off.  One of the Slinky employees took pity on us, opened the game door and gave Andrew a frog.  How nice!  Andrew was thrilled, and I'm betting that man has no idea just how much heartache he saved me!

Shoot 'em, Andrew!

Do I see a crotch rocket in his future?  God, I hope not!

Let's get that fire roaring, Dad!

I found this lovely specimen inside the marshmallow bag.  Notice the chocolate and teeth marks?  I have a sneaky suspicion I know who the culprit is, but if I want to, I could easily get a dental match!  

Finger lickin' good!

Looks like sweet brotherly fun, doesn't it?  

What it actually was, was me begging them to sit for a picture of their marshmallow covered faces, while Andrew taunted Jacob, and Jacob ignored my pleas.  Yep, typical family life! 

And this charming picture is what my husband does all day at work.  Now I know why they pay him the big bucks!  (And no, Greg, I'm not taking this one off the blog!)

Technologically Impaired

As of Thursday, Greg and I are the proud new owners of iPhones.  I needed a new phone.  My old battery wouldn't hold a charge and I could only hear people if I put it on speaker phone, not exactly the best option, depending on where you are.  I have been asking for a new phone for a while, but Greg didn't feel the expense was justified.  I figured I could hold on as long as possible, but I knew the day was coming when it just couldn't be avoided.  Greg and I had talked about what kind of phone I was going to get several times over the last month.  Although I really wanted an iPhone, I didn't feel like it was necessary for me to have the Internet access, and with the extra $30 a month data charge, we decided to just get a regular phone.  He didn't think Internet access was needed at all, and he really didn't want to spend beaucoups bucks on a fancy shcmancy cell phone.  I was OK with that decision.  It's just a phone.  As long as I could call, text and take pictures, I was happy.

You can imagine my shock when we entered the store and the first thing he said to the sales rep was, "What kind of Internet phone deals do you have going on right now?"

"What?  Really, an Internet phone?"

"We'll just see."

So we looked at what she had, and asked the poor girl approximately 6000 questions each.   Instead of two nearly 40 year olds talking to a 25 year old, it felt more like my great grandmother and grandfather talking to a 6th grader about this new confounded technology.  "What's with all the Gs they're talking about these days?  What is a G, exactly?"  "I thought Siri was Tom Cruise's daughter.  Isn't she like 3?  Boy, they do move 'em into the business fast nowadays!"  "What's this cloud everyone is talking about?  The weather has been great lately!  Oh, and I love the cloud cover for the iPhone!" "Maybe you better show us some non-internet capable phones."  She was very knowledgeable, patient and helpful.  Kudos to the Megan at the Logan Town Center Verizon store.  It was no small feat dealing with the two of us.

Long story short, we bought two new iPhones on Thursday.  Actually, we left the store and came home so Greg could mull over our bills for an hour.  Then he called this poor sales rep and asked her another 2000 questions before deciding to take the plunge and get the phones.  Greg took Andrew to the neighbor's and I went back to the store.  I spent about an hour in the store hooking up our new phones and having her explain as many of the features as possible to me so that I could at least make a call on this newfangled toy.  (Which, by the way, was a waste of her time, because I had to ask someone at work to help me find the keypad on my phone so I could make a regular call yesterday!)

It was really all together pointless asking for that little tutorial.  By the time I got home, I could still barely operate the phone.  I quickly figured out how to text, but the flat screen keypad is going to take some getting used to.

I was able to send a picture message yesterday, but I still can't figure out how to add graphics to a text message. Suggestions, anyone?

I was able to set up my email and get the Facebook App, but I had to text one of my much younger friends for assistance with setting the alarm, which is actually very simple to do.  I don't know how to turn off all sounds except the alarm.  Is that possible?

Yesterday while I was taking pictures of Andrew, I accidentally turned the camera around so it was facing me.  Dear God, what a scare that was!  Instead of my sweet, oreo-faced preschooler, I was suddenly looking at two dark circled, sunken-in eyes directly under a big shiny forehead!  And when did my pores get that big?  Eee gads! I won't make that mistake again! But I digress...

I love that I can get an hourly weather report on my phone, but I'm not sure why Cupertino is listed as my home location.  Actually, I'm not even sure where Cupertino is.  Is this some place I should visit?  The weather there looks great this week!  I just googled it.  It's a city in California.  Forbes rated it one of the most educated small towns.  It's also home to the Apple headquarters.  Ah...thanks, Apple.  I did learn something new today!

I'm fairly certain that my neighbor was bombarded with text messages this afternoon that were meant to be between Greg and me, because I sent a picture of Andrew to both of them.  Neither Greg nor I can figure out how to reply to only one person in a group message.  I always hated that when someone sent a picture and then I would get replies from 10 people I didn't know in response to the photo.  Now I understand why it happens.  What I need to know is how to prevent it.  All I said was "thank God the conversation was clean."  What does Greg do?  Send me a reply that says, "Oh yes, let's make sure we figure the phones out before we play!"  Sorry about that, Sharon.  Just be grateful you were spared any details that could have left you with a indelible mental visual of your sweet (ha!) neighbors!

I haven't had much time to play with the phone and figure out everything that it can do yet, but obviously, it's something I need to do!  I'm sure over time I will grow to love this phone and all its capabilities.  I'm excited by the prospect of new technology, while simultaneously daunted by it.  I was actually amazed when I was setting my alarm clock yesterday.  Amazed.  (And yes, I was sober.)  How sad is that?!  Seriously, it's a tiny Price Is Right wheel that you can virtually spin with just the tap of your finger on your telephone.  That's awesome!  What does that feel like for someone who was born in 1930?  Crazy? Mind-boggling?  Wondrous? Formidable? Confusing?  It was only a little more than a century ago that the telephone was invented.  Who then could have ever imagined the advancements in communication we have today!  Yes, the technology is awesome.  It's exciting and it's amazing what we can do, but just the fact that I have these thoughts makes me realize my age.  I don't think Jake was one bit impressed with my phone.  In fact, he said it was just like his friend's.  (His friend has an iPhone???  In 3rd grade???  Dear Lord...) I'm simultaneously excited and scared, but mostly excited.  It's just a phone, but it can do so much, and that's pretty darn cool!

Now, who wants to help me?

Andrew 3-4

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Easter Weekend in Pictures

Weekends can be a big deal in our family, and Easter weekend is surely no exception!  Friday we spent the day relaxing and preparing for the upcoming busy schedule.  Andrew and I cleaned, went shopping and spent some time outside, all on our own terms for time, which was very nice.  On Saturday, Andrew and I ran a few more errands, checked out some baby chicks at a local store (and even brought some literature home for Greg...do I see chickens in our future???  Lord, help me!)  In the afternoon, we drove to Johnstown to celebrate my newest nephew's baptism.  It was the first time I met little Liam, and he is just as adorable as I've been told!  Andrew loved him too!  God love, Andrew.  He really wants a baby, but that's one gift the bunny won't be bringing!  

We had an Easter egg hunt at my sister in law's house on Saturday, and the kids played together all afternoon.  Saturday evening, we put the kids to bed early, and prepared for the arrival of the bunny! Greg is unfortunately working a very long stretch right now, so he wasn't able to be here on Easter morning.  Actually, the plant that he works for has an outage every year at this time, so we have never had an Easter together.  On Andrew's first Easter, Greg was able to go to work late, and celebrate the morning with us.  Every other year, it's been just me and the boys waking up to the baskets.  The bunny leaves clues for the kids so that they can find their baskets.  They follow each clue around the house until they locate their loot.  They enjoy trying to figure out the riddles, which this year were not all that difficult.  Sometimes the bunny is more creative, sometimes less.  This year, the bunny was slightly lazy, but in retrospect, his laziness was probably a good thing, because the boys had a bit of difficulty following the simplest of clues!  I think the boys get their morning fogginess from their mother! 

This afternoon, we had Easter dinner with the Williams family.  The kids had a great time playing with their cousins, and we couldn't have asked for better weather.  What's on the menu for Monday?  Not sure yet.  Maybe some crafts or Slinky Action Zone with friends or maybe just some down time.  Whatever it is, we'll be sure to make the most of our last vacation day before we head back to the grind of school and work.  

The Williams grandchildren after the egg hunt.  Andrew wasn't willing to participate in the photo shoot.

Carrot?  Check.  Hard boiled egg?  Check.  Birthday card for a cousin with a cartoon rabbit on the front?  Check.  What more could the Easter Bunny ask for?! 

"Mom, I found a clue!"

Clue:  "Go to the place where you keep your crayons."

Andrew:  "I don't have crayons."

Me:  "What?  Are you kidding me, you have tons of crayons."

Andrew:  "I think they're in the kitchen."

I think the Easter Bunny needs to be a little more specific with the clues next year.

Andrew:  "What's the next clue?"

Clue:  "Check under mom's computer."

Andrew:  "I know where that is!"

Oh, thank goodness.  At least he knows where one of the biggest appliances in the house is located!

Andrew:  "I found another egg!  What's inside?"

Clue:  "Ring the doorbell to your house."

Andrew:  "What house?"

Dear God.  How does this child function on a daily basis?

"I found it!"  

Whew!  I was getting worried there for a moment!

 

Clue:  "Your next clue can be found hidden inside the big red flower."

Jake:  "Uh, mom?  I think we need to go outside."

Oh my word!  There's a huge poinsettia in the dining room.  It has been there since December, but Jake couldn't for the life of him figure out what the clue meant!  I think the boys got up too early!

Clue:  "A flowery wreath tells you the whereabouts of your basket."

Jacob:  "Oh!  Oh!  I know where this one is!"

Thank the Lord! 

Clue:  "You used to keep a large TV here, but now this space is empty."

Jacob:  "I got it!  I got it!"

Clues followed.  Basket found! 

The boys and their loot.  

"Hey mom!  I got Play Dough!"

"Try to find me!"

"If Cats Could  Talk."  Now Jake can finally get to the bottom of what's going on inside Sam's brain!

In case you are wondering, cats don't care for jelly beans. 

But they do like some gentle TLC (and Easter grass).

"Easter is for the birds.  I didn't see a single cat treat or cat nip toy in these baskets.  Hmpf."

Stressful Nonsense

I always have stressful and/or bizarre dreams.  They aren't often what I would classify as a nightmare, but they are always filled with some kind of conflict, loss, worry or stress.  How I wish I could just have a happy go-lucky dream of flying over the ocean amidst rainbows and pretty birds (that don't poop on me)!  After 35 years, I have given up and resigned myself to the fact that I have whack-o dreams.  It is what it is.  I almost always remember my dreams in detail, which means that I am never in a deep sleep.  Most of the time I can piece together sections of my day and explain away the specifics, but not always.  Sometimes I really wonder what my subconscious is trying to work out.

Last night I dreamed that I was back in college, but I wasn't living in a dorm.   I was living alone in an old haunted brick house.  One of my current good friends (meaning I met her way after college) was helping me get my things ready to go home for the summer.  She had painted the staircase inside the house and had done a lot of my packing for me.  I loaded up my things, said goodbye and got in the car to drive home.  I was supposed to call my friend when I got on the road, but I never really got on the road.  I was continually stalled by various things.  First I had to get gas, but when I tried to go to the gas station, I realized I was on the wrong side of a road with a fairly extensive divider.  I had to drive a good while before I could find my way to another gas station.  When I finally arrived at a gas station, I went inside and got two bottles of water for the ride.   At first, there was no one in the store aside from me, but just as I was about to pay, a large number of people appeared out of nowhere and jumped in front of me.  Suddenly, I had to stand in a huge line.    Just as I was about to be rung up, I realized that I left my bag, with my wallet, back at the college house.  So I turned around and went back to school.  Instead of grabbing my bag and leaving, I decided to just stay in the house and unpack my things.  My cell phone rang, and it was Loretta, wondering why I hadn't called.  She was worried about me.  I talked to her and explained my hassles as I unpacked my things.  Her tone was grim.  She was very worried about some of the people I had been hanging out with at work, and she proceeded to tell me who was untrustworthy and who was probably OK, except the people she talked about were not my coworkers.  They weren't my college friends either.  The names she gave me were of various people from high school!  Then she told me haunting stories about the house I was staying in.  While I was talking to her, I came across a photo of two of my cousins and me when we were little.  I couldn't figure out the picture, so I took it out of the frame, and concealed by the frame was my grandmother playing what looked to be a video game.  I studied the picture for a while and then realized that it must have been taken after she had her stroke.  It had to be a photo of us visiting her while she was in some kind of therapy session.  I was still on the phone with Loretta, who told me that I needed to go to the video store to rent a movie called "The Brick House."  It was about the house I was staying in.  The movie held the key to some kind of algebraic equation related to the brick infrastructure of the house, and people were going to find me, wanting to know answers about the house.  It was crucial that I get and watch that video immediately.  I was afraid to watch it by myself so I asked my uncle, who at some point arrived in the dream, but he said he didn't have time, and my aunt was sleeping - by this time, it was dark in my dream.  So I drove to the video store alone and along the way I saw my grandmother in a convertible with two gay men doing speech therapy.  She was apparently still recovering from her stroke.  The men were quizzing her with simple questions and having her repeat simple words.  I don't remember much of that part of the dream, except that my grandmother was wearing yellow and her speech sounded like that of a toddler.  And the two gay men were blond and wearing short sleeved pink polo shirts. At this point in the dream, I was driving through the Wehnwood section of Altoona.  I wasn't sure where to rent a movie, because to my knowledge, most of the video stores were out of business.  I was driving over a hill, heading into downtown Altoona, when I realized that I had a friend who lives a few streets away from me in my car, along with her two daughters, Greg, Jacob and Andrew. Andrew likes to drive fast over hills so he can lose his stomach (that part is true, not just a dream thought), so I stepped on the gas and flew up over a hill (we were now driving past the Bavarian Club in Altoona, which is on a steep hill and has a huge parking lot across the street).  I was driving too fast and hit the hill too hard.  The front of my car hit the road and blew out one of my tires.  While Greg was fixing the tire, the kids all got out of the car and started running around around the parking lot.  Andrew ran in one direction and then another.  The older kids ran to the baseball field behind the parking lot and found a playground to play on, but I couldn't find Andrew.  I was yelling after him at the top of my lungs, but suddenly there were tons of cars around the parking lot and out of nowhere a band started playing.  There were people everywhere.  I couldn't see Andrew, and I knew there was no way that he could hear me calling for him.  I kept screaming and screaming for him, pushing though people, running and searching for him, but I couldn't find him anywhere.  I lost my voice.   I remembered my neighbor telling me about a time when her boys got lost on a camping trip and she prayed to God to have the strength to keep calling for them (again, that part really happened and she eventually found her boys).  I prayed for my voice to return, but it didn't.  Instead, I started coughing uncontrollably.  I tried to make my way back to Greg to get help, but I couldn't even explain why I was so upset through all the coughing.  I was frantic and angry that God didn't help me find my voice to save my child and the coughing just got worse and worse until I woke up, literally choking.

Ahh....Good morning.

...and I wonder why I still don't feel rested, even when I actually sleep!

Slide Forward...A Little Bit More...Perfect!

While I am normally an advocate of preventative health care, somehow I missed my annual gynecological exam for over 3 years.  Here's the true shocker - I really didn't miss it.  It wasn't an appointment I was dying to make, but given a few minor *ahem* changes I have noticed lately, I decided to bite the bullet and go.  What an experience it was!

It began with the poor student who was checking me in, taking my health history and blood pressure.  I sure hope she isn't done with school any time soon.  She was nice enough, but she was so young, and obviously has a lot to learn. First of all, I could do without the Disney stickers on her lap top.  Call me crazy, but I have a hard time talking about my sex life when Mickey and Minnie are staring me in the face.  Then, she could hardly say the names of the medications that I was on when I was there for my last visit.  I get it.  Some meds are hard to pronounce, but she is supposed to be a medical professional...and Lisinopril is a really, really common blood pressure medication.  Shouldn't she know that one?  It's like mispronouncing Motrin (right, Greg?).  I don't take any medications right now, not even a multivitamin.  Problem solved.  Whew!  At least she didn't ask me to spell anything!

When she was done, I was directed to strip down and cover myself in the gown, opening in the back.  Yep, I got it.  Been there, done that.  When I went into the bathroom and held up the gown, I thought, "Holy cats!  Is this a gown or a tent?"  I was able to wrap the damn thing around me three times, which was good, because by the time the doctor arrived for the exam, my toes were numb from the cold.  If you're going to ask women to sit in your office, practically naked, for an extended period of time, crank up the heat a little, would ya?  Or give us some of those fancy blue paper slippers to throw over our feet!

Oh, and I love the array of gadgets on the bedside table. I found the selection of speculums along with the "E-Z Lube" quite amusing...because a play on words is exactly what every woman needs to give her a chuckle before sliding into the stirrups!

I like my doctor.  He's very personable.  He actually remembers who I am from visit to visit, and he's very thorough.  Still, it's a gyne exam.  It's great to have a few niceties when he first enters the room, but asking about the family in the middle of my breast exam weirded me out just a little too.  "Oh, Andrew is fine.  Do my nipples look pale to you, and did you notice that lump in my armpit?"  And that poor nursing student, stuck standing there, shining the spotlight on my naked ass, trying to act all cool and calm...it's OK, honey.  I'd feel a little uncomfortable if I were you too!  I felt uncomfortable and I wasn't you!

When I asked the doctor about my *ahem* changes, he said, "Well, you're middle aged now.  Soon you can expect to become really fat and dry up, much like Spongebob did in his feature film, when he was pulled from the ocean and stuck under a heat lamp."   OK, OK, he didn't actually say that.  I think he said something more to the tune of, "it's probably just normal, age related hormonal fluctuations."  What I heard was, "old...soon to be fat, wrinkly and dry."  I bought a milk shake on the way home.  I heard that ice cream prevents dehydration.

All in all, I survived the ordeal.  I'm done for another year, thank God, and next year I can skip the Pap smear!  Now, there's cause for celebration, if I ever heard of one!