What's Old Is New

Two nights ago, I talked to my aunt Carmen. She told me that my grandmother's biggest regret in dying young was that she would not be able to see her grandchildren grow up or know them as adults. I have been thinking about that statement ever since we spoke. I thought about it all day yesterday. I cried a little, then I thought some more. I thought about telling someone what she had said, just to get it off of my chest, but I didn't say a word to anyone. I talked to my sister on the phone, and although I even talked a little about Carmen, I didn't mention my grandmother. I can always write my emotions, but sometimes to speak them aloud is simply too hard. It's as if I cannot will the words to form.

Instead of talking, I shopped and cleaned. I went to TJ Maxx to return a pair of shoes and a shirt. I tried on about 15 pairs of pants and an equal number of shirts and came home with one new pair of shoes, a shirt and a sweater. I had a store credit, so all in all, the venture only cost me about $40. It felt nice to have some new clothes, something fresh to wear, a symbol of a new beginning. A little retail therapy goes a long way in my world!

Last night I cleaned out my coat closet, which is really the equivalent of a small room. Then I cleaned out my bedroom closet. I sorted through clothing to take to goodwill and re-organized all the shelves. I also cleaned out my sock, underwear and bra dresser. I found that I really don't need new socks, bras or underwear, as I previously thought. I just need to stop wearing the same worn and ragged three pairs all the time. So, in an effort to cleanse my head, I tossed anything with holes and rotated all of the other undergarments so that I now have numerous "new" items to wear.

I like to throw things away, but I also like to keep certain things too. The old, worn and weathered garments bring both disdain and comfort, depending on my mood. I treat my emotions the same way as I treat my clothing. I can get rid of the ones I am not all that attached to, but others I will carry with me forever. Sometimes they will be hidden in the back of my closet, all but forgotten. Sometimes I will wear them until they are threadbare, and others are simply run-of-the-mill, every day items that are neither here nor there. Every once in a while, I gather a new one, one that brings new life to my wardrobe. Maybe it's a completely new outfit, but often it is one simple piece which enhances the other old familiar items. Something like that comment of Carmen's. You see, after much contemplation, I have decided to view this statement not as a yet another tragic testimony of the cancer that took my grandmother so young, but rather as a testament to her love for us. Carmen's words confirmed what I have always thought about my grandmother, that her grandchildren were her true pride and joy, and I am included in that grouping. Now, thanks to Carmen, I have been given a new perspective on a very old emotion. Now I can pull that love from my mind and wrap it tightly around me, bringing new life to an old emotion, like that comfy old sweater in my closet that I have always known was there.