The Second Visit

This weekend some of my college friends also came to visit. I really believe that the friends you make in college are meant to last a lifetime. We start off as such young, innocent and immature freshmen and make our way to (well, maybe not so mature) graduating seniors, all the while spending our most intimate moments together. It's four years of living with your closest friends, sisters even, in the room next door, if not the bed above you. Many closets of clothing to chose from, many parties to attend, pranks to pull, and many shoulders to cry on. The learning that I did at Allegheny went well beyond the classroom. Indeed, the most valuable lessons, I believe I learned from my friends: how to be a good friend, what it means to be loyal, trustworthy, hold confidences and be supportive, how to have a good time and laugh at myself, and how to nurture one another and still be an individual. None of that would have been possible without the strong and supportive network of women I am privileged to call my friends.



This is Danielle giving Andrew a taste of daiquiri (virgin, of course). Danielle lived across the hall from me freshman year. We met in August of 1995. On the first day we had moved into the dorms, I was using a thesaurus to pound a thumb tack into my door to hold up a dry erase board. (Yes, my home improvement skills have gotten better since then, and yes, I was a word nerd, even then!) Danielle, being the physics buff, as opposed to language, walked over to me with a hammer and said, "Um, I think this would work a little better." Indeed it did work much better, and we became instant friends. Of course, to this day she still makes fun of me for trying to use a thesaurus as a hammer!

Here are Amy and Michelle. Amy is Danielle's fiance, and didn't go to Allegheny with us. She has, however, over the course of the last few years become one of the gang!

Michelle lived next door to me freshmen year. I don't specifically remember the first time I met Michelle, but I remember spending many times sitting with Michelle and Molly (Michelle's roommate, who wasn't able to come this weekend), hanging out in our rooms while everyone else went out drinking! I recall eating Thin Mints and pizza, talking for hours about nothing at all, and making fun of the others (mostly Danielle) when they came back drunk! Michelle, Molly and I were the "sensible" ones freshmen year. Michelle and Molly remained sensible throughout school. I....well, I strayed a little as time went on! But luckily I always had Michelle and Molly to keep in line, or at least look out for me when I was out of line! :)

Here are Amy and Danielle on our front porch. I vividly remember the day Danielle told me she was a lesbian. It was my birthday - March 9, 1996. She came and asked if I had a moment to talk, and I walked to her room. I sat on her desk, and she locked her door. I remember thinking, "Oh boy. This is something big." She sat on her bed, looked at me and said, "Koel, what would you say if I told you I was a lesbian?" I laughed! "Oh yeah right, Danielle! Good one!" Danielle and I were always playing jokes on each other, and I was such a sheltered person that I thought she was kidding. She didn't laugh. She said, "No, I'm serious. And I'm dating our other friend Danielle. I have been for a long time." I realized then that she was serious. I don't remember what I said next, or how the rest of the conversation went. I just remember that it was fine. It didn't matter to me one bit. I loved Danielle then for the friend she was to me, and I still love her for being that same person. Now, I love Amy too, and welcome her into our circle. It's a wonderful place to be!

Everyone sitting around the fire in our back yard.

Michelle and Pete. Pete is Michelle's husband. He did not officially go to Allegheny, but since he and Michelle had been dating since high school, I have known Pete as long as I've known Michelle. Pete jokes that he went to college on the weekend plan! Pete used to come to Allegheny every weekend to visit Michelle. In the beginning, he drove this old, beat up truck that was so loud, we could hear him approaching from blocks away! We would yell out the hall to Michelle that Pete was here before he even parked!

Jake, just one of the gang that night.

Danielle and I used to prank each other all the time in college, especially freshman year. I had a water bed mattress that she would love to lay on. Actually, we all loved that bed and would frequently take "group naps" on it. I never locked my door and often came home to find someone sleeping in my bed when I came back from class! One time I came back from class and had nothing but napping on my mind. When I hopped into bed, I was shocked to find that my entire mattress had been stolen! Confiscated by Danielle for her own use! She even made the bed over, so I couldn't tell right away it was gone. She locked her door and wouldn't let me in to retrieve it, so I got the Resident Director, who was a great sport about the whole thing. I told Nicole (the RD) to pretend that Danielle was in big trouble for stealing my property and that she needed to open her door right away. At first Danielle didn't believe that I had Nicole with me, but then when Nicole spoke, Danielle sheepishly opened the door, with a very somber look on her face. That's when Nicole cracked up, and we all started laughing. I got my mattress back. Later, I took all of Danielle's underwear out of her room and hid them at the end of the hall!

Jake put on a light show for us with glow bracelets.

More light show stuff.

Giving me a "thumbs-up" just as the wind blew smoke all over!

Danielle and Amy sing and dance to a Michael Jackson song. Greg's friend came over and played guitar, while Greg played the drums so we could jam a little that evening.

Danielle tries out the drums. She's pretty good for a novice!

Michelle, Me and Danielle on our back deck. Michelle and I took a canoeing class junior year as one of our PE requirements. I was on some kind of medication at the time and had some real concentration issues. I fell out of the canoe at one point! As a result of the canoeing class, which was a lot of fun, we decided that we were going to make it a point to go skinny dipping in every body of water that we canoed in. A group of us made it to the first one, scaled the fence in the middle of the night- it was at Woodcock - and jumped in the water. (We actually wore our bathing suits, though). All of a sudden, Michelle said, "Wait! Stop! I lost my glasses!" And just as she said it, Molly (I think) said, "Oh, here they are," and pulled them off the bottom of the lake with her foot! What were the chances! We only went to one other place, but by then it was so cold, and the water was so yucky, that we didn't actually skinny dip anywhere else. At least we have one good story!

The girls on the deck, before everyone left.

Pete and Michelle, Me and Greg

Those are really just a very small selection of stories I could tell from our college years. Unfortunately, there were several of the group who were not able to make it. Shelly, Shannon, Molly, Kathleen, Erika, we missed having you too, and hope you can make it next year. There will be more pictures to take, more stories to tell, and more memories to make. Thanks girls, for a wonderful college experience, and a fantastic "reunion" weekend.

Not So Perfect Mom

The other day I had to take Jacob to the dentist for yet another procedure. That’s a story in and of itself. The dentist we see now, I have seen since I was around Jacob’s age. It’s just Paul and his wife, and Dani, his dental hygienist. I’ve grown up with them, so we know each other well. As we were waiting to be seen, Dani came into the lobby and said, “Koelle, I just want to tell you how lucky your in-laws are to have you as their daughter in -law. Actually, your husband and your sons too. You’re just the perfect person! Whenever you come in, I always I hope my son finds a girl like you some day. Today I thought I would tell you instead of just thinking it.”

Of course, I laughed and thanked her. I joked and told her to call my in-laws and husband and let them know how lucky they were to have me! Then I told her that actually I was the lucky one, that I was far from perfect, etc…She insisted again (she’s super nice, always smiling, perfect for a dental hygienist!) so I just said a sincere thanks and she returned to work.

One would think that the interaction would have made me feel really good, but in fact, it made me feel terrible. I’m so far from the perfect mother, daughter in-law or wife. In fact, I hope my boys do not marry someone like me, especially not someone like the person I am right now.
At one point in my life, I would have said I was a terribly sensitive person, kind, gentle, generous. I’m not so sure anymore that person is me. Sensitive yes, but it’s like I’ve been overcome with something that has made me less kind and gentle, and rather more jaded and cynical.

I’m tired. I haven’t slept in months. My head hurts. I don’t feel well most days. Yes, those are all true, but those are just excuses. Many people live with much more pain than I do and do not allow it to change their personality. It could be the meds, or it could be that I’m simply not as kind and gentle as I used to be. I think the latter is probably the case, and that makes me sad.

I have come a long way over the last 15 years. I really have conquered some major emotional turmoil. There were times when I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning, let alone tackle daily activities. Even breathing seemed a chore for me. I hated the world around me, but most of all, I hated myself, my very core. Throughout all of that, however, regardless of how low I personally felt, I never allowed myself to transfer that frustration to others. Aside from my poor, poor mother, who bore the brunt of all my anguish, I never took out my struggles on anyone but myself. It doesn't sound like much when it's condensed into a few sentences in a blog, but believe me, it was monumental at times, much more than a paragraph can describe.

Why then, at this point in my life, when things are so much better, when I no longer battle the demons that previously tortured me daily, do I transfer my anger from petty little hurdles to those I love?

Jacob, God love him, is the primary target. I love this child more than life itself, but he can make my temper go from zero to 60 in a millisecond. Every morning I wake up and think, today I am not going to yell at him when we brush teeth and get dressed. If we make it through the morning routine without yelling (which is rare), I’m thrilled. We don't usually make it. He complains about everything. I mean everything. I’m brushing his teeth too hard. He doesn’t like the taste of the toothpaste - the same toothpaste that he hand picked at the grocery store and that we have been using for 2 months without any prior complaints. I didn’t let him watch TV long enough before it was time to get dressed. He’s not hungry, he doesn’t want to eat breakfast, why am I always rushing him…Good Grief! Seriously. Every. Single. Morning. It's not so bad when I don't have anywhere to go, but mornings during the school year, when I am working, if we have doctor appointments, etc. can be very frustrating.

I’ve tried all sorts of strategies; giving him a 5 minute warning - that usually makes him mad because he needs more time and then he spends the 5 minutes complaining that he didn’t have enough time; not giving him a 5 minute warning - then he’s mad that I didn’t tell him sooner. It’s the same routine we do every day, so there are no surprises. I’m a routine type of gal. This is not a seat-of-your-pants type of operation. The list goes on. There's no real solution to his issues. The solution needs to be found in me. I need to change my reaction to him, because his affect is set in stone, not to be altered.

The point is that I feel like I am trying every day, not to lose my cool with my kids, and yet I am unsuccessful every day. When I really think about that, it makes me very, very sad. I wonder what kind of impression I am making on them, if I am yelling all the time and snapping about every little thing. I worry about what kind of impact this will have on my relationship with them as they get older if I don’t get it under control now. And most of all, I don't want them to grow to be men who snap at their own children and wives for every little problem. It will make them miserable as adults, and it is one of my main goals, as their mother, to create the exact opposite of that. I want them to be genuinely happy, healthy, well rounded adults, not grumpy orbs of stress and anxiety.

When Dani told me how much she liked me, it made me feel ill. I almost started to cry in the office! She only sees me in the dentist office and at church. What a different perspective of me she has. I bet if she asked my husband, he could tell her differently. Or better yet, ask Jacob. The truth is I’m not a perfect mother. I’m not even a good mother to my boys. I’m trying, but I feel like I’m failing them.

Motherhood is the biggest test of my life, and it’s the only one I’ve ever failed. The very thought turns my stomach.

I’ll wake up again tomorrow, pray for a better day with less yelling, and with enough extra credit that I don’t fail the entire course.

Andrew, Andrew

Andrew has been quite the character lately! I thought it would be nice to dedicate a blog entirely to him for a change, since Jacob gets most of the limelight. Here's a "hat's off" to Andrew, in all his craziness!

Having his night-time bottle at his new table from my mom. (It's the only bottle he gets now, so he really cherishes it!)

Luckily Dad didn't break the chair!

Crawling into the only unsecured desk drawer...

Almost there...

"Now how do I get out of here!"

Back at the table for a little while.

"Bring on the poker chips, I'm ready to play!"

Here he is cleaning up after he ate his lunch. He actually wiped down the floor for quite some time, and really enjoyed doing it!

A video of his "tubby," as we call it. He filled his cup with the tiniest stream of water, rinsed off all of his toys and his binkie, alternating among the different options for almost 30 minutes by himself in the bath tonight! If only it were always so easy to entertain him!

And finally, this is Andrew talking to himself on a walk. Sorry it's just the back of his head - I was alone. He yammers most of the way, sometimes quite loudly - sometimes in a sing-song type of chant, sometimes in a martian type of babble...either way, he's the only one who knows what he's saying!

Passing The Time

We have a slight ant problem in our kitchen right now. It's driving me crazy, but it has proven to be great entertainment for my dear Andrew. Here's a video of him trying to catch an ant last night. Eventually, he caught it, mangled it, and gave it to me! Yummy! At least he didn't try to eat it, which is what usually happens!
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On the way to Pittsburgh last weekend, I told Jacob a story about how I used to travel to Pittsburgh to visit my aunts. My grandparents had a big van for a little while, and the back of it could be converted into a bed. Because of the lax seat belt laws at the time, my cousins and I would literally bounce around the back of the van the whole way over and home, pretending to be on roller coasters, making faces at the cars behind us, and just playing around. I told Jacob that back then, people didn't realize how important it was to wear seat belts, but that now that we know how important seat belts are, kids can't do those things. He shook his head and said, "Well, I know someone else who doesn't think that seat belts are important. Greg. I have to tell him every time we get in the car to put his seat belt on."

"Is that so?" I said. "I'll have to talk to him about that!"

Greg, you are so busted!!!

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A little while ago, Greg explained the meaning of "calling dibs and shotgun" to Jacob. He seemed like he understood it, but he never actually used the terms until last night. When I was getting the boys ready for a bath, Jacob said, "Andrew, I have jips on the front of the tub!"

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Jacob thinks that people probably buy motorcycles, despite their danger, because they are cheaper than cars. They are cheaper than cars, according to Jake, because they only have two wheels, where as cars have 4.

Action-Packed Weekend

Last weekend, I took the boys to Pittsburgh for two celebrations and a visit to the zoo.

First, my dad turned 70 in June. Actually, he shares Jacob's birthday, but my step-sister was just able to come home from California for a visit this last week, so we waited to truly celebrate his birthday. We had dinner at PF Chang's at the Waterfront and then returned to my aunt's in Cranberry Township for cake and fireworks (her housing development just happened to be putting off fireworks that night - we didn't arrange it just for Terry!)

On Sunday, we went to my other aunt's home in Wexford for a graduation party for my cousin Nick. He just graduated from North Allegheny High School.

Unfortunately, Greg did not go with me, and given Andrew's activity level, I only got a few pictures of my dad's celebration, and none of Nick's party. My step-sister and a friend from college went to the zoo with us, and we went early in the morning, so it was a little more relaxed that day. I was able to take some more photos there, which I will post below.

The boys both had a great time all weekend. It was nice to get together with family, as always, and it was nice to visit the zoo.

I actually didn't realize how big the zoo is. We were there for 3 hours and were not able to see all of it! We had to leave, because Andrew was getting fussy. My plan was for us to hit the road before he fell asleep, and for him to take his nap in the car, but unfortunately, he fell asleep on the way out of the zoo, had a power nap, and was awake the whole ride home. As is typical for Andrew in the car, he was a real piece of work! I'm hoping this phase ends soon.

All in all, it was a nice weekend, with lots of activity. I must say, I'm glad to be home...although I'm not so sure that home is any less chaotic!

Terry's birthday cake - my sister picked the decorations.

I'm pretty sure there weren't 70 candles on that cake, but Jacob and Pap thought it was necessary to take very deep breaths, nonetheless!

Blowing out the candles

Jacob wrangles Andrew in front of the zoo welcome sign

Posing in front of the sharks

Andrew was sitting nicely with Meghan until I snapped the photo.

Jacob had found his own camera right before we left for the trip. He was the picture-taking fiend this weekend. I love this shot, because it really captures his enthusiasm. It's a little dark, but if you look closely at his face, you'll see his excitement.

Jacob and Olivia, my friend's daughter, climb the stairs to one of the play areas.

Spiderman emerges once more

Jacob being macho for Olivia, who is so obviously unimpressed.

Jacob and Cian, my friend's son, watching for sea otters. They both look so enthralled!

Bath Videos

Jacob and Andrew enjoying some brotherly fun in the tub together.

Jacob decided that Andrew needed some help getting clean.

July 4th, 2009

This 4th we had our usual picnic at my mother and father in-law's home. We had a nice picnic, with a birthday twist for my nephew, Tony. The band then left to play at a graduation party for one of Fred's cousin's, which went very well. Greg and the rest of the band stayed at the graduation party, but I left early, watched the fireworks with my in-laws and then headed home with Jacob. (Andrew was already at home with my mom). Jacob had been looking forward to the day for weeks. When I put him to bed, I asked if the day was a great as he had imagined. He responded, "Mom, it was even better." What a nice way to end the evening!

Karissa and Fred through the flowers.

The band members - Cheese, the bass player, Me, Greg, Fred and Karissa.

Oops! I forgot the whole last verse of "Just When I Needed You Most!"

Tony's volcano cake

Greg hula hooping

A Day At The Park

I do have photos from the 4th, but I decided to jump the gun and write a blog about today first!

Today we went to Lakemont Park to ride some rides and just spend some time with the four of us for a change. The park was amazingly dead, which was great for us - no waiting or crowds to deal with!

Although Jacob wanted to ride the "strangler," (more commonly known as the Scrambler) we started off the day with a ride on the swings. Jacob was very excited to ride a big ride. About 30 seconds into the ride, however, he nervously said, "I saw this on TV and it looked like a good idea, but now I'm not so sure! I actually think I'm a little bit afraid of heights and I don't like going this fast!" Yes, folks, Jacob not only inherited my weak stomach (at least as far as motion goes), he also inherited my complete lack of adventure! When the ride was over, he very generously offered to take Andrew to Kiddie Land and help him with his first experience on the baby rides. How sweet...even if he did have an ulterior motive!

Jacob and me before take off.

This was taken about the time Jacob was questioning his choice in rides!

On the Merry-Go-Round - a little more Jacob's speed!

"Whoa there, horsey! Not so fast!"

Enjoying his first ride.

Typical Andrew fashion - trying to jump ship!

Even the kiddie roller coaster was a bit too wild for Jacob. When I asked him if he like it, he emphatically said, "No!"

Cotton Candy, no that's more his style!

Andrew didn't know what to do with the cotton candy at first. He rubbed it on his cheek and leg and said, "Aw!"

Jacob showed him how to eat it, and it was a sticky mess from then on out!

Getting wild on the horse drawn carriage!

"Hey, Jake, do you know how to drive this thing?"

"Runaway train!"

Bye!

Sean

Just wanted to give a quick update on Jackie and the baby. After Sean was born, he faced a few difficulties. He was jaundiced, which is not uncommon, and spent some time under light therapy. He has had a hard time maintaining a good oxygen concentration in his blood, so he remains on oxygen. They have given him diuretics several times, hoping to clear some fluid off of his lungs and help them become more efficient, but at this point have not been successful. The doctors are unsure why his breathing is not improving on its own, and are keeping him on oxygen for the time being. They removed the feeding tube, and Sean has been nursing and eating from a bottle well. He is gaining weight, and this is fantastic news!

Looking at the various scans of his brain, it has become apparent that Sean has some significant brain damage in several areas. The full extent of his handicap is yet to be seen, however. It will take months, even years before Jackie and Dave will know exactly what Sean's specific needs will be. As I have said before, they have come a long way,and Sean is doing much better than anyone could have hoped 6 months ago. But he's not out of the woods yet.

Initially, the fluid on his brain was spontaneously draining and the doctors did not feel that brain surgery was immediately necessary. However, as of late last week, the draining stopped, and Sean had an increase in fluid in several of the ventricles. It will not be emergency surgery, but he will undergo the brain shunt operation soon. In fact, if an O/R is available, he will have the surgery today. If not, then they will most likely schedule it for this coming Monday.

Jackie is holding up pretty well. As you can imagine, she has her moments of emotional break down. I cannot imagine leaving my newborn in the hospital every night, or the thought of my 2 week old son having major surgery, especially with unresolved breathing issues looming overhead. I'm sure the feeling of helplessness is immense at times. She has found strength in God, and has a wonderfully supportive family, but it's still a rough road to travel. We continue to pray for them, and will do so, I imagine, for years to come.

Dave and Sean

Kathy (Grandma) and Sean

Jackie and Sean