Disillusionment of Motherhood

Today I went to a college friend’s home for a cookout and a gathering of friends. It was a great day. College friends truly are the ones that you never lose contact with. I have a few high school friends with whom I keep in touch, but college pals are the ones that have really seen each other in the trenches and are committed for life. They are the ones who held your hair while you puked (99 Bananas, SoCo, Tequila…), ran from the police for, well, whatever reason it was that you needed to be running :) , and lent their shoulders time and time again when you cried. Girls - you know who you are - you mean the world to me, and I am so glad for my time at Allegheny. Even though I’m still paying out the nose for my education, the decision to attend Allegheny is one of the few things I can look back on and say with 100% certainty that it was the right choice. We’ve been through 13 years of ups, downs and in-betweens, and I have loved each of you all the way!

While I sat on Shelly’s porch today I looked at us and just wondered where the time has gone. When did we go from a bunch of brats with no money trying to score some weed and a designated driver (never Shelly, because she couldn’t stay sober - I say that lovingly, Shel) to actual, bonified responsible adults with mortgages and children??? There we were in a nice neighborhood, a very nice home, a fridge full of beer and cups full of Pepsi (!) and our children running around the yard. While it all felt so normal and comfortable, I still felt a sense of awe - this is MY life…OUR lives…we are the ADULTS here, the people who own the houses, the cars, the kids, etc, and we have changed drastically from partying gals to women who actually choose sobriety over stupidity! I suppose it all happens gradually, over years, so that it isn't overwhelming, but still, there comes a day when you realize that you are your parents (sort of). A new generation has begun, and you are the people responsible for molding these children into tomorrow’s parents.

Most of us now have children, or are in the process of having children. One of us has chosen not to procreate, and one of us has been trying very hard for a long time now to get pregnant. During the conversation, I spoke about how I felt that being a parent was not all that it was cracked up to be, and perhaps said some things that were insensitive to Michelle’s emotions, wanting children so badly. I have a tendency to be very sarcastic and biting at times, and that can be misinterpreted. I’m not sure if I hurt Michelle’s feelings, but regardless, I think the comments deserve some further explanation. Also an apology for being insensitive to the void that she is feeling at this time is in order.

For me, having children was terribly disillusioning. I thought it would be a blissful experience, full of good feelings, and that I would love every moment of it. Before I had kids, when I imagined myself as mother, I thought about rocking my baby to sleep, singing a lullaby, playing on the playground. I thought about all of the things that I would do differently than my own parents, and how I would be such an open, inviting and cool mother. When Jacob arrived, the shock of reality was incredibly hard to swallow. I never imagined the post-partum depression, the frustration I would feel when a newborn wouldn’t stop crying, the stress of getting myself and (now two) children ready to go somewhere, and trying to keep a house in order with my own children as well as the neighborhood children running though it daily. My life is nothing like the fairy tale that I had invented. Even though I knew before I got pregnant that fairy tales are never true, when the crystal ball breaks, it's nonetheless disappointing. I love my boys more than I ever imagined it was possible to love someone, but there is also a lot of stress, anxiety and times when frankly, even though I would never change the fact that I am a mother, I long for the days of simplicity that I lived when I was childless.

When I first became a mother, the fact that motherhood was not what I expected was hard, but what I found even worse was admitting to others that I was not blissfully in love with myself as a mother. Directly following Jacob’s birth, I was profoundly disappointed in myself for not feeling like motherhood was one big blissful event after another. People asked me (as they ask others too, I'm sure) how I liked motherhood, expecting to hear that I love it. The truth is that while it is fantastic sometimes, there are also times when it sucks. All mothers will admit to loving their children and the good emotions that come along with parenting, but few admit that there are times when it's not so great - even though I believe that ALL parents have times when they feel like it's really not that hot. If you are having a particularly stressful day and someone says,” How do you like motherhood?” and you reply, “today I feel like slamming my own head off the wall until I am only conscious enough to handle the bare necessities,” you probably will not get a favorable reaction.

That said, however, if anything happened to either of my children, I would be devastated. The love of a parent for a child, especially a mother for her children, is truly a love to be reckoned with. There is nothing that can describe a mother's love for her children, and no one can fully understand it until they look into their own child's eyes. I remember having an 'aha' moment after Jacob was born, when I felt like I finally understood why my mother did what she did. Her motivations were finally clear to me. I was overwhelmed with the idea that someone loved ME that much and wanted such good things for ME. These are the feelings that only parents understand, and those which make us better (I hope) children to our own parents once our children are born. Nonetheless, I have found motherhood to also be very painful (for me) - pain that comes from constant sacrifice (big and small), from fear of not doing things right, from fear of things that are beyond my control, fear of losing control my myself and a grief for a part of me which is gone.

Before I got pregnant with Jacob, I had an accidental pregnancy. I wasn’t living a healthy lifestyle and I didn’t know I was pregnant until two months into it. I made changes once I found out I was with child, but I lost the baby anyway. There are many possible reasons for why the baby died, some of which could be directly attributed to my lifestyle and also some which were beyond my control. Regardless of why I lost the baby, I still felt a significant loss. Even though I hadn’t planned it, I still wanted the child and I felt incredibly guilty and sad when it was over. At the time, a friend of mine from work was also pregnant. She smoked pot regularly and took for granted the fact that she was carrying a healthy child. I couldn't even talk to her until I was well into my pregnancy with Jake, just because I felt like she had no idea how lucky she really was to be given the gift of life, and I was jealous and angry at her for taking that gift for granted.

At this point in my life, even though there are times when I may regard my position as a mother with sarcasm or seeming disregard, I really do know how lucky I am to be a mother of two beautiful and healthy boys. I may look nostalgically on those pre-children days, but I can’t imagine a life without my children. I wish and pray every day for Michelle and Pete to have the same blessing bestowed upon them. I also wish, however, that any new mother feels the freedom to say without guilt, that motherhood, while awesome in so many ways, isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. And although every mother may feel that disillusionment at times, it does not mean that we are bad parents or unaware of our blessings- just that we are human - and that’s OK too!