What it Must Feel Like to Be Schizophrenic

Ok. I am really beginning to think that I have some kind of mental illness. Recently, I have done nothing but complain about how I'm not sure I want to be a stay at home mom and how I need time away from Andrew. Well, I now have an opportunity to break free. It could be possible for me to clean a few houses and take Andrew to day care one day a week, if I want. At first, I thought this would be great. Today I looked at a day care that is right down the street. I know several people who take their kids there and I know that it is a decent place. When I went today I even met one of the infant room staff, whom I happened to go to high school with. At first I thought it would be fine, but the more I thought about it throughout the day, the more uneasy I felt. Do I really want to take Andrew somewhere else for care? He's going to be sick, they will have to let him cry at times, and if it's not an absolute necessity, why am I giving his care to someone outside of the family? I took him grocery shopping directly after visiting the day care and every time I looked at him in the cart and he smiled, it made me want to cry. I felt like I was abandoning him and I haven't even fully decided to send him yet!

So now I am going back and forth about it. Yes, I need time away. Yes, it would be nice to have some of my own money. Jacob went to day care from the time he was 3 months old and I actually think that it benefited him in a lot of ways. BUT - Jacob was also very sick for the first two years of his life. And I HAD to take Jake to day care. There was no choice at that point in my life. Plus, Jake was at a day care where my mother was on the board and on the grounds where both of my parents worked - no longer a possibility for Andrew. I don't want a sick baby, and I do have a choice now.

I really wish that Harbor House took infants. That is where Jacob has been since age 3 and I only have good things to say about the owners and staff there. I would be completely comfortable sending Andrew there, and in fact, I plan to send him there once he turns 2. I guess the question in my mind now is, do I send Andrew somewhere new in the meantime, or do I wait it out for another year and a half? Of course, Greg supports me, whatever decision I make. That's nice, but in a lot of ways, I would like someone else to make the choice for me. I guess I'll be doing a lot of thinking over the next few days.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note - Jacob's surgery should go on as planned tomorrow at noon. Yesterday when I was talking to him about it, I told him that the tooth fairy paid big bucks for the molars and that she took all little kid's teeth, paid them for their teeth, and then made dentures for old people. He thought about it for a while and then later said to me, "I hope the tooth fairy gives my tooth to Pap." I didn't follow at first, and asked him why he wanted Pap to have his tooth. "Because they're for old people now, and I think Pap could use it." I'm not sure that was a compliment, but it was nice of Jake to think of Pap!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jake won a checkers game at a church carnival this weekend. He calls it "checkerds" and he CHEATS big time. I'm not sure where he learned to play, but it certainly wasn't from me!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I tried to take away Andrew's binky. He puts his hands in his mouth a lot, and I thought that taking the binky away would encourage him to suck a finger or thumb instead. I totally underestimated the power of the pacifier. We made it through one whole day and through 12 the next day, but the second day was brutal. Jacob tried giving Andrew instructions "Brudder, just fold down four fingers and stick your fum in your mouf like this..." but nothing worked. Finally, Jake said, "Mom, just give him the binky. He's a major fusspants. Ha! I called him a fusspants!" It was comical, and I agreed and gave the fusspants his binky. The house has been much quieter since. Perhaps we will try again in a few months when he has better control of his arms and hands...or perhaps he will be one of those kids who carries it with him to kindergarten!
Right now, a happy and quiet baby is worth a large future dental bill!