Frustrations, Frustrations

At one point in my life, I felt like I had potential to be someone. I was reasonably smart. I graduated among the top kids in my high school class, and I attended a decent college, where I graduated cum laude. In college, I abandon my dream of becoming a veterinarian, because I was intimidated by the math courses. That was probably the beginning of the "downfall," so to speak. Instead of biology, I chose to major in German. I was good in German, it came easy for me, but I didn't have the drive to apply it to more than just literature interpretations. After I graduated, instead of doing something practical, like obtaining a master's degree in teaching, I chose to work for AT&T as a customer care representative, a job which only required a high school diploma, certainly not one that reflected the $100K bachelor's degree I was toting around.

I hated the job at AT&T, although sadly, it will have been the highest paying job I have had since I graduated from college. After a year of it, I just couldn't take it any more. I called one day, and left a message on my supervisor's voicemail that I was quitting. Then I fumbled around for about a month, entered into a temp job working with adults with mental retardation and the rest is, well, history. I have been working in social services in some form or another ever since. I went briefly back to school after Jacob was born, thinking that a degree in Psychology would be beneficial, but after 3 semesters of extreme stress, and the realization that I didn't really want to listen to other people complain for a living, I dropped out, having achieved nothing except amassing another $12K in debt.

I now find myself in a job that offers very little challenges and very little reward. Sure, I enjoy working with people, and I think that I am good at it. But let's face it, the actual number of families that I get through to and make a life long impression with is minimal. I may help to ease a child's transition to preschool. I may help make the preschool experience fun for the child, and I may even be helpful in providing resources for the family that they didn't otherwise know about. I would venture to say, however, that a vast majority of these families remain in poverty for the rest of their lives. The majority of little guys, who we pray will work their way out of poverty, only grow up to repeat and perpetuate the cycle. Many of them will turn to drugs and alcohol. Many of them will abuse their own children. Much of the services, energy and effort I have put into my job will be, in many aspects, wasted.

A friend of mine talked to me recently about a study saying that despite previous thoughts, children whose parents are involved in a preschool with a reward-based parent involvement program do not go on to be involved with elementary and secondary schools, because the reward system has been removed. I have conflicting opinions on that idea. While I can see validity in it to some degree, I also believe that some aspects of parent involvement are a matter of comfort level. I believe that the program we provide does wonders to put parents at ease, allow them to make their own decisions about the level of involvement that is comfortable to them personally, and I believe that beginning a routine of educational involvement when their children are young helps them to continue to grow those values into elementary school and beyond. I believe that my place of employment's motivations are sincere, and I think that we all try very hard to model and provide resources that children and parents need to get beyond the poverty cycle.

The problem is not necessarily in our presentation, but rather in the motivations of those we are serving. Let me just get this out there, before anyone gets mad about what I am going to write: Not all of the families I serve are unmotivated or have skewed priorities. Just because someone is poor, doesn't mean that they don't care about their children. I have a number of families who are indeed wonderful parents, involved with their children, and working hard to keep their heads above water. Some of those families will succeed. It's just terribly disappointing that the number of success stories are so few and far between.

There are so many compounding factors in our families lives - abuse, neglect, substance abuse, financial crisis, homelessness -to name a few. Many people are dealing with multiple factors at once. For many, day to day living is a struggle, and preschool (heck, school in general) is just not the priority. If I were faced with finding the funds to feed my children, possibly sleeping on the street or in a car, or wondering where to score my next drug fix, whether or not my child read his ABC book tonight would be on the bottom of my to-do list too. What I am saying is that there has to be a better way to fix the problems that our families are facing - something other than simply giving them money, food and counseling that they don't heed anyway. Our nation is falling apart and our future, our children, are bearing the brunt.

I personally feel very unmotivated, very frustrated, and very ill at ease. Maybe it's ten years in the field. Perhaps I have become jaded, unable to look as positively on situations as I did years ago. Maybe it's a mourning of my own wasted potential. If I had done things differently, would I feel better about myself? Would I feel like I was doing more, contributing more to society? Or would I just be oblivious to the many struggles facing youth today, because I wouldn't see the enormous socio-economic conundrums on a daily basis? Maybe it's concern about the world that is being created for my own children and grandchildren. Maybe it's a little bit of anger in knowing just how much money I have spent in education, tax dollars, charitable contributions and time, to support people who in many ways are doing little to support themselves. I'm betting it's a large sum of all of the above and then some.

We are wasting money, wasting resources, giving handouts and not teaching people to sustain themselves. I know a few people, myself at one point included, who utilize public assistance as it was intended - as a temporary relief, the break you need to get focused, to do what you need to get back on your feet and become self-reliant. So many people do not use welfare as a crutch anymore, but rather as a way of life, an expectation of entitlement. How do we change that mindset? How do we motivate people to care about themselves? I don't know. It seems to me as if the whole nation has become depressed. Like me, it can look back and say, "I used to have potential. I used to be at the top of the class, but now...now, I'm just struggling to get by."

I can barely speak German any more. I wouldn't even attempt to say I have a chance at becoming a veterinarian at this point in my life. Maybe the United States took the same downward spiral as I did, one small misinformed decision at a time. We are going, as a whole, from someone to no one important at all.