How Deep Is Your Love?

I have been a runner for what seems like forever. I remember running the track with my friend Jackie as early as 7th grade. I never competed on any teams, because, well, I'm just not competitive. The thought of racing someone, being judged for my performance, and possibly letting down a team was always just a little too much pressure for me. It still is. I have thought about signing up for races, but I can never quite bring myself to do it. Performance anxiety just hits hard when it comes to running. I have always just done it for myself. I compete with but myself, and I am my own biggest rival.

I ran for a little while in college until one evening, about a mile from campus, I tripped on a fallen tree branch and tore the ligaments in my right ankle. I shouldn't have been out at night. I can't see at all in darkness now, but I felt the beginning onset of night blindness even then. It's pretty stupid to run in the dark, when you can't see where you are going. I hobbled home, propped my foot up for the night and when I awoke, it was the size of a bowling ball! I then hobbled to the school health center, which sent me directly to the local ER for x-rays. Nothing was broken, but I'll tell you, it took longer and was more painful for that ligament tear to heal than when I completely broke several bones in my foot years prior.

I gave up running all together for a while, out of necessity. I just couldn't do it. I swam instead, and really, at one point I was a very strong swimmer, doing freestyle laps straight for about 45 minutes. I have no idea what my distances were, because I never counted, but that was a heck of a workout. I actually really enjoyed swimming. I had a lot of time to think and the water drown out all outside distractions. I have often wished I could return to it, if not full time, then at least some of the time. Right now, with Greg's crazy schedule, and the kids being young, it just doesn't work out, but that doesn't mean that a YMCA membership isn't in my future a few more years down the road!

When I could weight bear again, I didn't run, but rather used the elliptical, or "funny runny," as my college pals and I called it. The funny runny became my go-to machine for many years. It wasn't until after I had Jacob that I began actually running again. Greg had gotten me a gym membership, and I started there, on the treadmills, to rekindle my love for running. Running on the treadmill, however, is not as hard as running outside. It offers no resistance. No wind resistance, and even the belt itself, with it's movement, propels you forward. And you can get off of it when you are sick of the jog. There's no option to just quit when you are out on the road, 3 miles from home! The treadmill is better than nothing, but it's certainly not my first choice.

I gave up running again towards the end of my pregnancy with Andrew and during the subsequent 24 month struggle with horrendous headaches and awful medications. Once I finally got that under control, I was resolved to start again. Since spring, with just a minor knee injury, which was caught early and treated quickly, I have been mostly outside on the go 3-5 days every week. I was thrilled with my Garmin Forerunner runner's watch that Greg got me for Christmas! I no longer have to drive routes before I run them to know how far I have gone. It makes it even more enjoyable to know that I can run all over, and still feed my OCD's need to know every single detail of the run. I'm more relaxed and more focused, because the details are taken care of for me. It's great!

Running has always been a way for me to clear my mind. If I am angry or upset or have a problem to solve, I run better. I don't know if it's that the mental distractions detract from any physical pain I may feel or if it's just a constructive release of frustrations. It really doesn't matter. I know for sure that the solitude and the increased respiration and blood circulation help me to think more clearly. When I'm not upset, I love to run just to run. It feels good. I feel strong, capable, empowered. I suppose those emotions of well-being are what they mean when they refer to a "runner's high."

Today I worked until noon. I rushed through the grocery store, amidst the typical (and unwarranted) panicked pre-storm shoppers, just so I could get home and get out for a two mile run before getting the kids (and before snow hit the ground, making it impassable for however long). If I have to stay long at work, I take my clothes with me and I run on my lunch break. Sometimes I run after I am done working, but still in Altoona, just because I know I will not have time for it otherwise. I make the time for it as much as I can. Running is not just something that is good for my health, not something that I do just so I don't get fat, but rather something that I truly love. I don't need to do it. I want to.

There's a similar motivation with the purification program. Yes, it's expensive. Yes, it's a lot of work. I budget the money before hand to afford it, and I take the effort because I am passionate about it. It's not just about weight loss, it's about whole body health. The foods we eat and the synthetic substances we ingest effect our whole person, mind and body. Will I stick strictly to the purification culinary guidelines all year long? No, I won't. I'll eat a chocolate bar. Let's face it, I love desserts. I will also drink coffee again, and eat bread and cheese and all kinds of other foods that are less than ideal from time to time. Eating isn't always about nourishment. Sometimes it's about socialization. Sometimes it's about comfort. Sometimes it's just about a decadent and selfish splurge! The trick, as with all aspect of life, is in balance, finding that balance between splurging and responsibility.

Or maybe it isn't a matter of bad vs good at all. Maybe I should approach eating more like I approach running. Finding joy in eating healthy, feeling the benefits of a balanced diet, the increased energy, decreased irritability, stabilized mood, healthy body are becoming something more that I want to do, rather than something I feel obligated to do. I think I have been on the road to the enjoyment of thoughtful eating for a while now. I get "hungry" for knowledge about food's effects on not only our bodies, but also the environment and the economy. I am motivated to make good choices, and I want to share that knowledge with the people I love. Will it be a straight love affair, like running? No, it won't. Because the past is hard to change. You see, just as I have always loved running, I have had an even longer standing, very distorted relationship with food. Those habits die hard, and the thoughts that feed such habits die ever harder. But I'm working on it, and I can honestly say that now, more than any other time in my life, I feel more capable to fight the demons. Bring on the big hills and the big guns, because I am armed with knowledge, motivation, an awesome pair of Asics and my Garmin Forerunner!