Is there an area of your life where you feel completely inept, no matter how hard you try to improve it? I feel deficient in a lot of areas, but none so much as in the realm of fashion. I'm never up on the latest trends. I never look in vogue. No matter how I try to spin it, or how hard I try to upgrade my appearance, I always feel just a tad, if not more, frumpy.
This Christmas, my sister gave me a very nice sweater with a coordinating necklace. Before I could even say one word about the gift, she barked, "Just wear the necklace. It goes with the sweater." It does go with the sweater, but it's big, and it's definitely not something I would have picked on my own. My sister was born in style. It's something that comes very naturally to her. She always looks good, even in sweat pants. I, on the other hand got the brains in the family, not the elegance. (OK, OK, I don't really have much in the brain department either. Boy, I got screwed!) In fact, it's pretty much a guarantee that if I look decent, I was either dressed by someone else or given the outfit as a hand-me-down from my (younger) sister or my aunt. Try as I might, I can't do it on my own.
I hate going to big Christmas parties, or weddings or anything else that requires dressing up - not because I don't like crowds. In fact, I love getting together with others. It's because I don't want to get dressed up. It's not even a matter of discomfort. I know plenty of people who don't feel comfortable in "dress-up" clothes. I don't mind wearing high heels and fancy stuff, I just never feel like what I pick is nearly as stylish as what everyone else is wearing. I've been known to take pictures of myself in dressing room mirrors and send them to my sister, because she's the only one who will give me a brutally honest opinion...usually something along the lines of a simple one-word reply: "ugly."
This is not a new problem. It's pretty much a congenital flaw. Very early on in elementary school, I can remember wondering how everyone knew that Tretorns were the "in" sneaker that year, or that Umbros were the "must have" shorts of the summer. It seemed to me like I would always arrive at school on the first day, after having done my back-to-school shopping with my mother, completely missing the fads that everyone else had somehow picked up on. How do people know, especially little kids, what's in and what's not?
Now, part of this stems from a general disregard of pop culture. It's not that I denounce TV or music. I have some shows that I (used to) watch, some movie stars that I like, and I definitely like music. But I guarantee you that I am lost in every lunch-room conversation that involves a celebrity. I just don't care about those things. I don't know who is who, or who is wearing what, obviously. I've looked at magazines and pictures of models, but I always feel this surreal sense of, "that can't be real." Do real people wear that kind of stuff? I doubt it. I certainly wouldn't. Maybe that's part of the problem.
The summer after 6th grade, my mother took us bathing suit shopping. I was bound and determined to get a chic new suit, and I found the perfect neon yellow and hot pink number with a zipper down the front. (Keep in mind, I was skinny then, and this happened in the 1980's.) I can remember my mom saying at least 20 times, "Are you sure about that suit? If I buy it, you have to wear it. I'm not buying another suit." Even mom, from whom I inherited my lack of fashion sense, knew that something with neon colors was not my style. I begged for it, and she bought it. Guess what? I hated that suit. It was too pink and TOO yellow...and a zipper? What the heck? I spent the whole summer hiding it under a nice long t-shirt.
In many ways, I have not evolved from this swim-suit scenario. At least once every year, I go shopping with the intent to buy more trendy clothing. I look at the models in the stores. (Side note here - why do they feel the need to put erect nipples on mannequins? I find that more than a little repulsive. Is that really necessary?) I never take anyone with me, because I always feel grossly self-conscious trying on clothes with someone else. I'm not a modest person. It has nothing to do with my body image. Clothes shopping is a glaring example of my short-comings, and I can't take the spotlight on my weakness. It makes me feel like a total idiot. It's just something I have to do alone. I try to keep in mind my sister, and my friends who I consider to be on-top of the trends, when I am picking out clothes. I try on at least 75 different outfits that feel out of my comfort zone. Often I buy an outfit or two and think, "I'll grow to like it. It's in style." Then one of two things happen - either my sister looks at me and says, "That's ugly," (fail again!) or I feel so uncomfortable in what I've purchased that I never wear it outside of my house. 9 times out of 10, clothes shopping ends up being a huge waste of money, and an even bigger blow to my self-esteem. I try to avoid it as much as possible.
This weekend I revisited the "shop for something stylish" script. I was going to wait until I lost a few more pounds, but the truth is that I need new pants now. Mine either don't fit or are really worn. And since summer stuff is coming out, I figured I could get something decent on sale. I did get items on sale, that's for sure. I bought 3 pairs of pants, a pair of jeans, 3 shirts and a pair of boots for $130.00. Not bad. Even better, considering that I had $75 in gift cards and $50 in cash from Christmas. This is how it went: first of all, I was bound and determined to buy a pair of boots, because everyone is wearing boots. I knew if I bought boots, I had to buy pants that were skinny legged, to fit inside the boots. The shirts just happened to come along because they were on sale. I picked out the boots first. Actually, they were not my first choice, but because of the end of the season and the clearance, they were the only pair that I felt like I could bear to wear. I just can't wear shoes with 65 buckles, metal studs or fringe. Those are on my "absolutely not" list. So I got a basic pair of black leather boots, one buckle, zippering nearly to my knee. Then I tried on approximately 738 pairs of pants. I'm super, super picky about pants. They have to fit perfectly around the waist, and I have real issues with them when they are too long or too short. I have too many pairs of flood pants right now, and I feel like a total doofus when I wear them. They have to go.
I wandered around for what felt like an eternity looking at clothing that made me cringe for a number of reasons. I am a total fish out of water in the clothing department. I just wanted to scream, "Someone send me over to the cleaning supplies!" After about 2 hours at the store, I settled on the three outfits and brought them home. I tried them on again at home to see if I really liked them, or if I bought them in some kind of store-induced psychosis (hey, it's happened to me many times before). Here was the verdict: one was pretty good. One was pretty good, except I'm still not too sure about the boots. They kind of make me feel like I should be riding a horse. The third was "eh," but it's just a pair of black pants (that I already had) and a flowy orange cardigan, to be worn, again, with the boots, which make me feel a little like a jockey. The jeans are jeans. They're also boot cut. And a size 4. I'm keeping them. I went back to the one pair of pants that I hadn't yet tried on. I put them on and stared into the mirror. They fit fine, but they were maroon. Maroon pants. Who wears maroon pants? Not this chick. I sucked it up, endured the crowd and returned them. I gotta draw the line somewhere. That line begins with maroon pants.
I'm going to wear the boots tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel about that. A girl should be excited to wear a new outfit, but for me, I always feel rather unsettled. Skinny pants and boots? Oh boy. Deep breath. I can do it. What's the worst that can happen? If it doesn't work out, I can always head to the nearest stable. Too bad I'm a little afraid of horses...
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