Can We Call A Truce?

For those of you with multiple children, what is your daily life honestly like? I am genuinely curious to see if the amount of fighting my kids do is normal or above the baseline for sibling rivalry. When I say that my kids fight ALL THE TIME, I am not exaggerating. Literally, within 2 minutes of being together, conflict begins. More often than not, it is Andrew wanting something of Jacob’s or simply pestering Jacob that begins the altercations. Jacob then responds with an over-the-top reaction, which sends both of them into a spitting, hitting and screaming frenzy.

I have talked to Jacob about how to temper his reactions too many times to count. He can’t do it. He can’t ignore Andrew’s taunting, “Jacob wears diapers” or “I throw your Legos in the torlet.” Instead of sitting down, looking forward and asking for my assistance when Andrew starts walking towards him with a toy held high above his head in combat mode, Jacob darts wildly around the room, which sends a message of “game-on” to Andrew. Melee ensues. If Andrew is simply playing with a truck, pushing it around on the floor, Jacob immediately enters panic mode, and starts wildly prancing, practically hyperventilating, and insisting that I stop him before he nears Jacob’s toes. This one is particularly disturbing for me, because we have a huge living room. It’s 18x35. If they are on opposite ends of the room, there is no way on God’s green earth that Andrew would accidentally run over Jake’s feet. It’s a complete over-reaction. This over-reaction sparks an idea in Andrew’s previously (albeit temporarily) docile brain that maybe a little battle would indeed be a good idea. He then goes into attack mode, and Jacob responds once again with hyperbole. Fight. Fight. Fight. I’m not kidding, it’s constant. CONSTANT.

This morning, they were both up by 530, which meant 2 whole hours of arguing before we even left the house. They both like to sit and watch TV when they first get up, which is fine, except that even though we have two large couches and a roomy chase lounge, they both want to sit on the chase lounge. Again, this would be fine, if they could sit there in harmony, but they can’t. It’s truly not Jacob’s fault in this instance. This is another one of Andrew’s favorite games. Andrew sits nicely beside Jake for 2 minutes, and then he starts pestering. He’ll push on Jake or try to take Jacob’s lovey blankie. Jake will try to ignore him, but Andrew perseveres. He will then rub his butt against Jacob, lick him, and if those actions don’t get under Jake’s skin, he finds toys to hit Jacob with. If I move Andrew off of the chair, explaining that if he wants to sit with Jake, he needs to sit nicely, Andrew just climbs right back up beside Jacob, and resumes the harassment as soon as I walk away. If Jacob moves to another seat, Andrew follows. It’s a lose: lose situation.

At dinner, Andrew will try to climb onto Jake’s seat with him. If Jacob gets up to get something from the kitchen, Andrew jumps into Jake’s seat. When we leave for school in the mornings, if Jacob turns the TV off before Andrew, Andrew has a tantrum. If Jacob is watching a TV show that Andrew doesn’t like, Andrew turns the TV off. If I turn the TV back on and say, “Don’t touch the TV. Jake is watching it. That’s not nice,” Andrew turns it back off as soon as I walk away. If Jacob’s backpack is left anywhere within Andrew’s reach (which is pretty much anywhere at this point, because he will get chairs to make his own little ladders), Andrew takes Jacob’s stuff out of it, and Jacob pitches a fit. Andrew has flushed a number of Jacob’s action figures and Legos down the toilet, as well as one of Jacob’s school ties. I could continue, but you get the point. It’s making me crazy, and I don’t know what to do.

I asked my mom last night if my sister and I were this bad. I remember arguing with her, but I don’t remember having this continual upset in our home. Mom said no, we were not as bad as my two children. Great. That’s a comfort. We’re freaks, and my kids hate each other, or that’s how I feel most days. I feel terrible most days, in fact.

I feel bad for a ton of reasons. First of all, I want my boys to love each other. I completely understand that sibling rivalry is normal. I know that no siblings have a love-love relationship all the time, but I can’t believe that most siblings fight as continually as mine do. It’s so disheartening. I pray that they will grow to love each other as adults, if not right now. At this rate, I hate to think of what the future holds.

I also feel bad because (I hate to even say it) I rarely enjoy being with both of the kids at the same time. That’s a drastic understatement. It’s beyond not enjoying it. I nearly hate it. I feel so incredibly frustrated and irritated with them. I’m drained, exhausted with being the mediator, the constant enforcer of rules that are utterly disregarded. My voice is no longer heard. I’m no longer setting a good example of conflict resolution for the two of them, because frankly, I have become a screaming meanie a majority of the time.

Which leads me to another regret that I have – not spending enough quality time with Jacob. My parents take Jake all the time. They pick him up randomly at school and have him over for dinner. My mom takes Jacob with her to visit relatives in Pittsburgh even when I do not go with Andrew. Jacob spends every Friday night with my mom, and usually most of the day on Saturday. They go shopping, to the movies, out to eat, you name it. Now, I am eternally grateful for the help. It’s wonderful that they have fostered such a great bond with Jake. No matter what happens, Jacob always knows that he has his own little refuge at my parent’s house, full of unconditional love and peace when he needs a break from a rowdy little brother. By separating the two boys, it makes it much easier on me. Andrew still has tantrums (he is two, after all), but he is much more open to redirection when it’s just the two of us. And it’s great for me to be able to spend quality time alone with Andrew, giving him the same kind of one-on-one attention that Jacob got as a toddler. Most younger siblings do not get that same attention, and I am grateful for the opportunity to provide it to both of my boys. BUT…

…I have this intense and nagging guilt about giving tons of my attention to Andrew and having hardly any time to spend with Jacob. This came up in my conversation with my mother as well. When I complained about the boys fighting and how nuts I feel, she offered for Jacob to come live with her! I would like to say that she was joking, but I believe it was only a half jest. She would gladly raise Jacob. While it’s great that he is getting all kinds of quality time with her, I feel left out of his childhood. The only real time I get with Jacob is the 15 minutes I spend reading to him each night before bed. It makes me very sad. I don’t want him thinking of me as a woman who does nothing but yell all the time and never listens to him. I get so frustrated with the boys when they are together, and more often than not, I yell at Jacob because I expect more of him, being the older brother. I expect him to set a good example, and moreover, I expect him to absorb and apply the advice I have given him. I understand that repetition is what reinforces learning, but honestly, I have repeated, repeated, repeated so many times I feel like a broken record. Just when is he going to get it?

So the guilt of not spending enough time with him, coupled with knowing that the time we do spend together is often tainted with some kind of conflict is weighing heavily on my mind. What is the solution? I need some “out of the box” suggestions, because I have tried practically every traditional way of handling this intense sibling rivalry in our home. I have done time-outs for both of them, removed toys, and obliterated privileges. I have offered rewards for good behaviors, talked nicely about how to treat others, tried to lead by example, and given Jacob responsibilities to “help and teach his little brother” to make him feel useful. I have stood up for Jacob against Andrew, in an attempt to keep things fair, but honestly, fair flew out the door a long time ago. It feels like there is little justice in my home these days, just upset.

The boys are upset with each other and with us for not handling the situations properly. Greg and I feel fried and frazzled dealing with constant loud and chaotic discord. And I am racked with guilt for feeling like I don’t even want to spend time with my kids, a notion that is shameful indeed. Being blessed with two vibrant and healthy children, I need to find a way to channel God’s love and appreciate my blessings. Instead, I find myself pining for bedtime every single day, thinking, this isn’t what I signed up for…

Or is it? Is this normal? How long will it last? I’m going a little crazy right now! Please send me some encouragement!