Big Brother Woes

My sister was born five days before my 5th birthday. To say that I was less than thrilled about her arrival is an understatement. I am told that one day, when my mother was about 8 months pregnant, I threw my head down on the dinner table and sobbed, “Now who’s going to do crafts with me?” Even before her birth, I was worried about her displacing me! When she was born, I visited my mother in the hospital, and I didn’t care to see Megan. I wanted to play with the straws on my mother’s lunch tray, and sit on her bed. When asked if I wanted to walk down to the nursery to get a peek at the new baby, my response was, “Do I have to?” Later, my mother tried to involve me in the baby’s care, hoping that it would give me a sense of worth. “Do you want to help me feed and change the baby?” she asked. My reply? “It’s your baby. You wanted it. You take care of it.” I probably heard those words in reference to a cat or fish or some other pet I had cajoled my mother into buying before the birth of my sister!

I would like to say that things level out as the years passed, and that my sister and I grew to be great friends, but that’s not exactly how it worked. I always felt like I paled in comparison to her. My personality has always been dark at times, even since early childhood. My impatient, sometimes brooding, and emotional personality is deep seated, and it really has only been in my adulthood that I have begun to learn how to temper these qualities. Conversely, Megan was always a happy child, even tempered, outgoing and light spirited. It‘s no wonder that her “easier“ qualities drew more people to her than I drew to my self. This is not to say that I didn’t have friends, or that I was a depressed, grumpy child. I have always made friends easily, and related to others well. And although I have my temper, I’ve never been mean to anyone outside of my mother (for which I am now greatly sorry) and myself (Ok, and maybe my husband from time to time too, for which I’m also sorry).

Megan’s easiness made me feel that my more difficult personality was a huge disappointment to my family. It’s not that my mother did anything in particular to make me think this, it was more of something that I sensed, and a burden that I placed upon myself. I always felt like everyone looked at me and thought “why can’t she be more like her sister?” I often thought that of myself too. I never resented Megan, but I frequently wished that I could emulate her, or at least what I perceived her status in the family to be.

Who knows how Megan felt about me. It’s not something we’ve ever really talked about. I have found that gaining other people’s perspectives can be quite enlightening. Other’s often view things in such vastly different ways, that it can be surprising. Perhaps I should ask Megan what it is like to be the younger child.

At this point in our lives, my sister and I are great friends. We talk like adults to one another and share a history that only siblings can. But that bond came only in adulthood, after my sister and I both graduated from college and began our own families. It was a long time in the making, but at this juncture, I can say that I am glad to have a sister. Like the bonds of a parents and children, husbands and wives, and friends and family all have their own uniqueness, so does a sibling bond.

It was because of that sibling bond that we decided to have Andrew. Greg has a daughter to a previous marriage, but we don’t see her often, so she is not really a sister to Jacob. Greg comes from a family of 5, and I have my biological sister and a step sister as well as a large extended family. We both agreed that Jacob needed a brother or sister in his life, and so along came Andrew. Of course, there was a little more thought than that in the decision to have another baby, but we needent go there now.

Jacob has much of my personality - the stubbornness, the short temper, impatience and the need to be right all the time. He does not, however, have the painful shyness or transition problems that I had as a child, some of which I even carried into adulthood. Those of you who know him can attest to the fact that he will talk to anyone. He loves company, and he has adjusted beautifully and smoothly to some major changes in his life. He changed day cares, adjusted to my marriage to Greg and adapted to having a sibling after 5 years of singledom with barely a blink. I have always given him a lot of credit for those attributes, but lately, I have been wondering if I’ve given him too much credit and not enough support.

I’ve been noticing a lot of attention seeking behavior with Jake lately. Nothing monumental, just little things with high frequency. I’ve been feeling like I am constantly redirecting him, correcting him, and even yelling at him. I hate that we have so many negative interactions, and I have been wracking my brain to determine the source as well as a solution.

Then I remembered: a little while ago, Jacob told my niece that “nobody wants to play with him anymore, they just want to be with the baby.” Well, that statement just isn’t true, but it made my heart sink. At the time when I heard it, I tried to set aside some extra time for Jacob, and I think that it helped him some. But then the holidays rolled around, and in the hustle and bustle we got back to our hectic routine. I believe now we are at the point where any attention is attention, even if it’s negative. I know all too well from working in the field too long that attention seeking behaviors are often negative, because they necessitate action more readily than positive behaviors. I also know that positive redirection and feedback are two of the best ways to circumvent undesirable behavior.

Greg and I have talked and we have decided that there is no room to slip back into our old ways. Just because Jacob is more capable, doesn’t mean that I should expect him to take care of himself more. He is only 5, after all. The baby demands more attention, but Jacob deserves his fair share too. So we plan to set aside at least 30 min, 4-5 times a week to spend alone with Jacob. One of us will take Andrew, to allow full attention on Jacob. We’ve already started and I think it has helped some. It’s really a simple solution. Like any other routine, the hard part is establishing the initial pattern. The rest follows easily.

I have been ruminating about this for a few weeks now, not so much because I am worried that we won’t be able to change things, but because I know exactly how he felt when he made that statement. I see so much of myself in Jacob, and when I think of some of the emotional anguish I put myself through over the years, it sickens me to think that Jacob would ever feel even remotely as bad as I have at times in my life. I suppose we all need our share of struggles, for without them, we would never reach our full potential. They make us stronger, fuel our desires to strive for better and help us to appreciate the good times. Still, as a mother, I can’t help but want to take those struggles away. I also don’t want to be the source of any adversity, especially when I know in my heart that Andrew was in many ways a gift to Jacob. They are gifts to each other. I pray that Greg and I parent well enough that our actions do not drive a wedge between Jacob and Andrew, but rather instill a strong sense of brotherhood between them.

The Butterfly

I didn't write this. I'm not sure who did, but it's been around a long time. I read it years ago when I was living in Pittsburgh and was moved by it. A friend of mine posted it on his facebook page recently, and I stole it from him for my blog. I wrote an entry about Jacob that I'll post later, after I proof read it thoroughly. It ties nicely into this story, well at least the ending of it does. :)

The Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared and he sat and watched the butterfly as it struggled for several hours to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared it had gotten as far as it could. The man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of cocoon.The butterfly then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would expand and be able to support the body, which would contract in time.Neither happened! in fact, the butterfly spent its whole life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly. What the man, in kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved freedom.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through life without obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been.

And... we would never fly.

Brotherly Fun

This is a video of Jacob making Andrew laugh. Somehow I never tire of hearing my boys' laughter. I don't know if it's a mother thing, or if it's just that the sound of innocent joy is pleasing to everyone. Nonetheless, when you watch this, I bet you'll smile at least a little, even if you don't like kids! :)

Reconnected

Thanks to a very bright high school senior, I now have my computer back, free of bugs! I admit, I missed it, but I don’t think that comes as a surprise to anyone.

While I was disconnected, Jacob had several thoughts that were memorable. Here they are:

My mom has shingles, and the baby has not yet been vaccinated against chicken pox, so we were avoiding her until the meds rendered her incommunicable. Jacob wanted to know why we couldn't visit, so I explained shingles to him. I explained that it was the same virus that causes Chicken Pox. Once a person gets chicken pox, that virus "sleeps" inside our spines until something wakes it up. When it wakes up, it comes back as shingles. I told Jacob that he was not in danger, because he had been vaccinated, but that the baby could still catch chicken pox, so we had to stay away for a while. When I was done, he asked what else I knew about chicken pox. “Not much, why?”
“Well, I know some things about chicken pox,” he said.
“OK, tell me.”
“Well, when you get chicken pox, inside all of those little red dots are chicken heads, and they are pocking. That’s why it’s called chicken pox. The red things on chicken’s heads are what make the bumps red, and the feathers on the chickens are what make you itch.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Oh yes. There are a lot of things I know about diseases that you don’t know, Mom.”
The boy definitely has an active imagination!
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One morning, Jacob told me that Andrew was just an afterthought: “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Because he chases after everything he thinks of!”
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We read an article in the paper about letters that children had sent to President Obama. I asked Jake what he would ask of the president. He said, “I would ask him to make it a rule not to throw garbage into someone else’s yard.”
Backtrack - last summer (we think) some unruly neighbors of ours left some beer cups and litter in our yard, and Jake has been stewing about it for almost a year now.
I asked him what he would do for the punishment if someone were to litter in another person’s yard. “What do you think is good, Mom?”
“Maybe they should have to go around the whole town and clean up litter.”
“No. that’s too much. I think you should only have to clean up the whole town if you caused and explosion.”
‘OK. So town clean up is limited to punishment for the use of bombs?”
“Yes. For littering in a yard, someone should have no TV for two whole days….well, maybe just one day. The whole day. That's a hard enough punishment.”
So there we have Jacob’s judicial viewpoint. I'm not sure he’s ready to run the United States just yet!

Nothing Important

My computer has been confiscated for security reasons...just kidding. It has been taken for some minor repairs, though. So I'm currently very limited to my Internet access. Perhaps it will do me good to cleanse myself of the online addictions for a week or so anyway!

Here's a short video of Andrew's song. My brother in law, Fred, sings to Andrew every time they are at our house. He changes the words each time, so it's always fun to listen to what he comes up with! (pause the player to hear the video)

We had family in town this weekend, and they graciously traveled from home to home, ending at ours, for a little party. I think it's safe to say that most of us were feeling pretty good by the end of the night. A little beer, music and some good companionship is good for the soul! Thanks to everyone who was there. Love you all!

Sibling Rivalry and The Hidden Dangers of Fast Food

Today on the way home from school Jacob said something along the lines of “my brother isn’t growing as fast as I did.” I said, “actually, he is growing almost exactly the same as you did. You were both about the same size at this age. He may even be a little bit bigger than you, but not much.” Jacob’s response? “Yeah, well, I’m smarter.”
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Later, Jacob wanted to eat dinner at Burger King. I’m not a fan of fast food, but I do allow Jacob to have it more often than I would like to admit. On our way to the drive through, I tried to explain to Jacob that fast food isn’t good for you all the time. “Why not?” he said.
“Because it’s loaded with fat, salt and preservatives.”
“What are preservatives?”
“Chemicals put into food to make them stay fresh longer, taste and look better longer.”
“Chemicals!”
“Not bad chemicals, just things they use to preserve food. They’re kind of like sugar, in that they are OK for you if you eat a little once in a while, but not all the time. It’s about moderation.” Then I went into this big detailed explanation of moderation, preservatives and the difference between sugar, salt and fat and what each does to your heart and body, knowing that he can't possibly be comprehending half of what I've said. After all of it, I asked him if he understood a word of it. “Yeah. I understand, but pretty much I only go for the toys.” Touche! This is just another example of how I complicate even the smallest things!

Way To Go, Steelers!

For those of you who really know me, you will find it hard to believe, but I actually watched the superbowl yesterday. Andrew refused to nap during the day, so I had to leave the party early with him, and put him to bed. The fact that I was alone makes it even more unbelievable! I'm glad I did watch, though. Even for a non-football fan, it was an exciting game, and the Steelers deserved their victory. Here are some photos of Jacob at the party at my aunt's house.

Jacobisms

Now that we have had two full days of a healthy Andrew (still on medication, however), I feel like I can be a little more light-hearted in my blogging. Over the past few days Jake has said some funny things that I remembered to write down. I've noticed that the number of entries about his antics have decreased lately. It's not because he stopped being funny, but more that I've forgotten the things by the time I go to blog. No one wants to read my yammering all the time, so here are some little stories about (or by) Jacob:

The other day, he was running laps around the kitchen, dining room and living room. I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "Oh, just running around getting a little hair on my chest."

"Running around and getting a little hair on your chest?" I said.

"Yeah, Mom. It's just a language of speech, you know."
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That same night, Greg had been complaining of dry skin. He said he was unable to reach his back to put lotion on it. I offered to do it for him, but he declined. Then a few hours later, he was complaining again about the itching, and began rubbing his back against the doorway in the kitchen. I said, "Well, Jacob" (because Jake always starts whining and complaining instead of asking for help) "why don't you get the lotion and I'll put it on your back?"

Jake heard me call Greg Jacob and asked me why I said that. I told him that instead of asking for help, he was complaining and rubbing his back against the wall, like Jacob does sometimes. Jacob said, "Yeah. A better way would be to rub your back against a tree. That's a better scratcher."

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We have had a recent infestation of moths, or "mofs" as Jacob refers to them. He decided to make a "mof catcher" out of paper with 5 pieces of double sided masking tape to trap the moths. I humored him and hung it on the wall, then Greg caught two moths and placed them on the tape. Jake thinks that the contraption works, and has been on my case to help him make more "mof catchers" ever since!

Quick Update on Andrew

For all of your thoughts and prayers, thanks. Today Andrew seems like he is returning to normal....or closer to it anyway. He is still a little needy, but he has also been smiling, laughing, crawling and cruising. I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, but at least it seems that we are approaching healthy once again. And not a day too soon. Thank goodness!

Poor Little Andrew

Well, we have discovered that the Zofran works wonders for vomiting, if you give it like clockwork, every 12 hours. The first night, Andrew did very well until 4 a.m. when he started vomiting again. Yesterday he didn’t throw up at all, but when I picked him up from my mother-in-law’s house, he was gagging and burping something that smelled very much like the vomit I have been cleaning for the last week. I immediately administered more medication. Last night he made it through the night OK, but that is with medicine. We have decided to continuously give him the Zofran for a few days as a preventative. I think his stomach needs time to heal, and I hope that by Monday he can be drug free. He has lost almost 2 pounds since last week.

However, while the vomiting is controlled by the Zofran, the medication also has its own list of side effects. It is a medication they give to cancer patients, after all. I believe that it is making him dizzy and giving him a headache, because he keeps hanging his head and shaking it back and forth. So now, on top of the Zofran, he is getting ibuprofen and Tylenol alternately. This makes me feel bad too, because not only is it more medication on his sensitive little belly, but it’s also making him feel drugged. He hasn’t been himself for an entire week and it’s just so sad. He's usually such a happy little guy.

Last night he was standing by the edge of the tub before his bath. I snuck up behind him and sniffed his neck (usually he thinks this is really funny). He chuckled, but even his laugh was sad. It made me tear up. The poor little thing has no idea why he has been feeling like that for so long, and it just breaks my heart. Seeing your kids sick for a day or two is bad enough, but when it lingers like this, it’s truly difficult. It’s exhausting for us as adults to deal with the illness, and so frustrating to know that there is little we can do to make it better for the kids.

Hopefully this is the beginning of the end, and not the beginning of something more serious. That's another worry that I have been having lately too. He saw his pediatrician yesterday and they will keep an eye on him for the next few days. If it continues into the end of next week, we are to go back and look deeper. I just worry that another week is a long time for such a little body to endure. Keep little Andrew in your prayers, please, and pray that this ends soon.

Vomit Headquarters Of Central PA

The last 6 days here have been completely awful. While Jacob, my mother and I all recovered within 48 hours of our illnesses, Andrew's vomiting has continued - and he was the one that started it all. Last night, after a half hour of continuous vomiting, I started to become very concerned. I called the on-call doctor, and he said that Andrew would be fine throughout the night, not to risk the roads and just bring him into the office this morning. So this morning at 9, I tried to call. No answer. I called every 5 minutes until 10. No answer. Then I called the answering service and they informed me that the office was closed today. Nice. What kind of doctor office closes for bad roads? I didn't want another day to go by without him being seen, so I took him to the emergency room. They drew blood and got a urine sample from him. Everything was amazingly fine. They sent me home with a prescription for zofran, an anti-emetic they give to chemo patients! It seems to be working so far (knock on wood). He hasn't thrown up today, and I hope that we are at the end of this awful, awful bug. Yuck!

Throughout the illness, though Jacob has remained his typical germophobic self. When my mother started to get ill, he said to her, "Clorox, Mimi. Kills germs on contact." Then every time she emerged from the bathroom, he asked her if she remembered to wipe down the toilet seat. At one point he said to my dad, "Pap, I feel like we are on the S.S. Diarrhea." Leave it to Jacob to remain witty, albeit unknowingly, amidst the stomach flu.

Here's a pic of Andrew after they drew blood at the ER. I give those three nurses a lot of credit. It went so smoothly, he didn't even bruise! Amazing!

Bath Video

This video is of Andrew blissfully unaware of the huge mound of bubbles we piled onto his head. You know, I don't like most of the aspects of the baby stage. I much prefer preschoolers. But I have to admit that the ability to do ridiculous things like this to your kids occurs during a small window of opportunity with some very funny advantages, only in that dreaded baby stage!

25 Random Things About Me

For lack of imagination's sake, I chose to post an item that I actually wrote for a dumb facebook challenge. It took several prompts by friends for me to relent, but when I had a lot of extra time this weekend, due to illness in the home, I decided to do it. So, here are 25 random things about me. Some of which many people probably didn't know - except for the last. I hope everyone, especially Greg, already knew that one!


1. My first name is spelled differently because it was my paternal grandmother’s maiden name. My mother wanted to name me Megan, but my father would not agree. He wanted to name me Mary Helen. After several days they agreed on Koelle. My mother didn’t consult my father, and named my sister Megan 5 years later.

2. My first son was breech, so I had a C Section. I chose to have a C Section again with my second.

3. I used to be fluent in German, but I’m very, very out of practice now.

4. I studied abroad in Cologne, Germany my sophomore year of college. I have been to Europe 4 times in my life.

5. I love cats, but can’t have any right now because of allergies in the house.

6. I’ve worked in social services for 9 years.

7. I know how to use a drill, but I can’t change a tire.

8. I wear a size 4.75 ring on my left hand and a size 5 on my right.

9. I took private voice lessons from 8th grade through college.

10. I also played the flute from 3rd grade through 12th - in the band and orchestra (in jr.high).

11. I don’t like to eat much meat, but sweets are a real addiction.

12. I used to be obsessed with the X Files, and I forced my college friends to watch episode after episode after episode with me.

13. I’m not sure what color to call my hair. It’s somewhere between blonde and brown. I used to dye it very blonde, but I haven’t messed with my natural color since Jacob was born. (going on 6 years)

14. Both of my sons have the name Andrew, after my step-father: Jacob Andrew, and Andrew John.

15. I have one biological sister and one step-sister.

16. I come from a pretty sizeable extended family, and I am aware of how lucky I am to know and be so close to many, many relatives.

17. Growing up, my aunt Carmen was always my favorite great aunt, because she loved cats just as much as I do. She still ranks pretty high on my list!

18. My bachelor’s degree is from Allegheny College in Meadville. I have a BA in German. I also have a bunch of credits from IUP in psychology and special education.

19. I am 100% loyal to Honda. Won’t buy anything else. If you don’t drive one, you won’t understand that, but after owning one, most people are hooked.

20. I like soft, earthy colors and pastels.

21. In high school I followed all the rules and never partied. I made up for that during my college years, but after graduation, I resumed my old fuddy-duddy high school ways. The mornings are so much easier to face without a hangover.

22. In 5th grade, I stole typewriter ribbon from a discount store in Hollidaysburg and my mother caught me. She made me return the ribbon to the store manager, who told me that he “didn’t enjoy putting little kids in jail, so he would let it slide this time.” I was petrified. I never stole again.

23. My parents live 3 blocks away from me, and I love being able to walk “home” whenever I want.

24. I never had a cavity until I was 29.

25. I think my husband, even with his faults, is the most wonderful amd sexiest man in the world. He is kind, compassionate, generous, a good listener, a great father, a great handy man, and handsome, with 6 pack abs. I can overlook his bad grammar in exchange for all of that!

Pictures from January

Here are some photos from this month. The stomach flu is going through our home - at least to Andrew and me, so far. We are hoping it ends soon, and that none of you are sick either!

Trying out Jake's new high speed sled.

Heading up the hill for more.

Andrew splashing in the kitchen sink.

Static hair!

Andrew's sledding experience was less than thrilling!

Helping dad with some home repairs.

After a visit to the salon.

More Sentimental Junk

Today I am stuck inside. Andrew is sick. He either has the stomach bug or a bad cold, from which the drainage is making him throw up and have diarrhea - or both. Actually, he hasn’t thrown up since last night (which he did twice in the middle of his sleep), but his nose is clogged and his butt is sore. Poor guy. I feel bad for him, but I’m also praying that the rest of us don’t catch it from him, especially if it is that nasty stomach flu that is going around.

Andrew didn’t get up until 830 this morning and now he has been sound asleep for almost two hours, which is very out of character for him. Jacob is with my parents, where he will hopefully stay for most of the day. It’ll keep him from being bored out of his mind, and hopefully minimize his exposure to illness. He told my mother that he wasn’t coming home today because he didn’t want to catch his brother’s germs. A few days ago in the car, Andrew started blowing raspberries. Jacob freaked out and started frantically pleading with Andrew to stop. “Brudder, don’t you know that is how we spread germs! We don’t spit! You’ll make us all sick!” Apparently they have been discussing illness prevention at school, and Andrew hasn’t wised up yet!

I have cleaning to do, but nothing pressing right now, so I thought I’d update my play list. I have a real nostalgic side to me (in case you haven’t noticed!), so I thought some of these songs were appropriate. I think a lot about all of the people who have graced my life, for whatever reason - those who are still here, and those who are gone. I’ve been blessed to know some really wonderful people, and I’ve also been blessed in knowing some not so nice people too. I say that because I think it’s important to know just how lucky we are when we find someone who is not only good, but good for us. Not everyone is a beneficial fit. Fortunately, I’ve found more good fits than bad influences in my 32 years on this planet.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. It’s easy to block out the good things and get stuck in a rut of repeating mistakes. It’s not always easy to make changes, or even to hear that changes need to be made. I look at my life right now, and I’m often amazed at where I am. I’ve grown so much over the last 10 years, and in some ways I’m still in disbelief of all that I have. Those of you who have known me any length of time can attest to the changes I have made. The most integral part of that stability, happiness and contentment I owe to Greg. He has brought balance to my life. He loves me enough to tell me when I’m out of whack, and more importantly, he loves me enough to put up with me when I’m off kilter (which is probably a little more often than I’d like to admit). Greg is definitely the best fit not only for me, but for my children as well. So thank you, Greg, for being you - and being mine.

And thank you to everyone else for being here and there, all over the country and even across the ocean, and for blessing me with you various gifts. Everyone we meet has something to give us, something to teach us. I have learned a lot, and I look forward to continuing to learn as the years pass.

Now, I must depart from the sentimental stuff - I hear a coughing kid…at least I hope it’s coughing, and not puking! Keep your fingers crossed!

Move On

I just added a video of the band - Greg, Fred and my niece Karissa. Karissa wrote this song herself in less than a half hour the other night. She has never had a professional lesson in her life. I think the tune is catchy, and I'm pretty impressed that a 13 year old could come up with something like this so fast. Yeah Karissa! You're on your way to stardom - keep working hard! We love you!

(Pause the playlist, so that you can hear them)

It's on the bottom of the page - scroll all the way to the end.

For Gram

My mother got pregnant with me at a young age accidentally. She married my father, but later showed the strength that is true to her spirit by divorcing him. The 6 years between their marriage’s beginning and end were wrought with turmoil, frequent temporary separations and much stress. It wasn’t until my mother married my step-father when I was 10 that my family unit began to resemble a traditional nuclear family. I’ve said it many times before, and will repeat it many times after this - my step-father, who I now refer to as my dad, is a wonderful man, a wonderful father to my sisters and me, and a wonderful grandfather to my boys and my niece. My biological father is an angry and bitter man who allowed self-pity and pride to stand in the way of a normal, happy life. He has lost most of what matters in life. I spent many years being angry at him, but over the last decade or so, my anger has softened. He no longer occupies much space in my mind at all, but when I do think of him, I feel only pity. What an empty waste his life has become.

The point of this entry, however, is not to talk about any of the aforementioned people. It is rather meant to be a tribute to my grandmother, the one true constant in my life during those formative early years, and through the chaos of my parents’ failing marriage. Regardless of the circumstances in the Anderson household, Gram was beacon of hope, waiting with open arms (and probably some words of advice, both wanted and unwanted for my mother). In the beginning of my life, I had no good father, but I had something even better: two good mothers.

I was the first born grandchild, and I spent most of my life before the age of 10 with my grandmother. I tagged along to all of her coffee dates with friends, I traded foot rubs for lunch at McDonald’s on a weekly basis. I knew her pass code for the ATM machine, and at 6 years old would get money for her while she waited in the car. She had a pool put in when I was 5, and she taught me how to swim. She took me on my first plane ride to North Carolina to visit my aunt Betsy the summer after fourth grade.

Whenever I could, I tried to sleep with Gram. But she, like me now, didn’t sleep well (and she snored like a trucker when she did sleep!) I remember staying up nights, sitting on the couch, staring out the window, watching the headlights of cars on the other side of the valley roll down the mountainside. I can still see her nightgown - floor-length, silk with an orange and white pattern, a safety pin on the collar. I still don’t know why she had a tiny gold safety pin on the neckline of each nightgown, but she always did. She had an artificial valve in her heart which resonated loudly in the silent room: a single tick…tick…tick with every beat of her heart. For years after she died, I kept a wind-up clock on my nightstand, to pretend, for just a short while, that she was still there.

Shortly after my mother married Terry, my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. It was too late. Nothing could be done, aside from trying to make her comfortable as she passed. I have to laugh at those words, though. Is anyone who is dying, regardless of the etiology, ever truly made comfortable? It was a slow and painful death that no amount of morphine could have eased. In the beginning, she tried very hard to maintain a normal semblance of life. I can remember her coming to my first chorus concert in 5th grade. She only made it through a short bit of it before she felt too ill to stay. She waited in the car and slept for the rest of the program.

For 10 months, we watched her die. My poor mother worked full time, then came home to pick up my sister and me from school before driving to my grandparents’ house. She made dinner for them every night, even on the weekends, and provided most of the care my grandmother needed as well. As time went on, it was necessary to have a nurse from hospice to attend to the more critical needs, but still, my mother and my sister and I were there every day without fail. Looking back on that now, I wonder how strong I would be if I were in my mother’s shoes. I suppose you do what you have to do, even if that means nursing your own mother to her death. I didn’t realize then how difficult that time was for my own mother. It’s just another example of how I missed the strength my mother routinely exhibited, and continues to exhibit, until much past the actual event. Only now, in adulthood and as a mother myself, am I able to see her more for the person she really is and less for the person I mistakenly perceived her to be.

At the time, I think I tried to ignore the true mood of the situation. I was only 10, and my mom tried her best not to burden us with any of the stress. We took friends with us over the summer months and swam in the pool. I visited with Gram too, but mostly we played as if nothing had changed. I remember making yarn dolls and hanging them on the curtains in the middle bedroom where she stayed. I believe I even made her buy one from me! I know it was one of the hottest summers on history. I can recall the nurse saying something to the tune of, “you should go outside and watch your grandchildren swim for the last time, Jackie.” My mother was livid that she would make such a comment, and that she would insist that someone who was at the tail end of a terminal illness sit outside in tropical heat. The nurse didn’t return after that comment. My grandmother died on August 13, 1988 one day before my mother’s birthday. 20 years ago. I was 11.

20 years ago seems absurd to me. I can’t believe so much time has passed. Each milestone that I have had has been bittersweet. There’s always an empty spot for her, always the thought and wonder of what she would have said, thought or done. I wonder what she would think of the person I have become. I swear she visited after Jacob was born. I’m not a firm believer in ghosts, but I choose to forget science for a moment. I know in my heart that she saw him - she let me know very clearly that she did. I didn’t have such a clear moment with Andrew. Maybe she knows that I’m not at such a needy time in my life now as I was when Jacob was born. Whatever the case may be, I’m choosing to believe that she’s seen and blessed him too.

I can say with 100% truthfulness that not a single day has passed since her death that I don’t think about her at least once. Sometimes it’s something specific, but most days it’s just a nondescript, vague notion of her. Most days it makes me smile, but I have moments when I cry as if she just died yesterday. The power of a love that deep is amazing to me. It is astounding that we can grieve the loss of a person so much that 20 years later, the wound still feels so fresh. It’s a wound that I hate having, but conversely , I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to have loved and been loved like that.

I have other strong bonds too, it’s not that my grandmother was the only one in my life to whom I feel tied. Of course I love my parents and fear their passing. I love my husband, my sisters, aunt and uncles, friends, and probably more than anyone in the world, my sons. I look now at my boys, especially Jacob, and their bond with my parents. Jacob was in a very similar situation for the first 3 years of his life, as I was for the beginning of mine. My parents were the constant for him, his pillars in the storm. If it were not for them, who knows how he and I would have made out. Even since marrying Greg, and creating a stable home for Jacob, we have all made it a priority to maintain and encourage his bond with my parents. He spends the night there at least once a week, and we see them every day. I worry about the time when they pass, because I know just how heart wrenching that will be for Jacob. But I am so glad that he is able to experience that same intense love that I did, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I’m thankful once again for the legacy passed down from my grandmother - a strong love and devotion to her family, a love that weathers all storms and transcends even our own mortality.

The Power of Music

Ok, so I finally figured out to post music to the blog. Sorry, Becky. You probably think I am such a copy-cat! The whole blog idea, I stole from you! I admit it, I’m a cheater, but as they say, imitation is the highest form of flattery, right? :)

Actually, I couldn’t figure out how to post just a single song from my own collection, so I went to playlist.com to make a play list. I had so much fun searching the songs! I wish Andrew had slept longer, so I could have listened and searched more. It’ll definitely be a site I visit again. It’s free, and play lists to listen to while cleaning or whatever are great to have.

I came by the song “In My Life” by Dave Matthews. It’s a remake of an older song (forgive me, but I don’t know who originally wrote it). I used to sing this to Jake when he was a baby, before I knew that Dave redid it. Jacob actually recognized it when it was playing! What a sweet song it is - listen to the lyrics before you mute it out. I think it will strike a chord with most people. I have been a long time fan of Dave Matthews, going back to college. Just hearing his voice conjures so many good memories, so I was thrilled to find that he had his own version of one of my all time favorite songs. The whole gang of us from Allegheny have soft spots in our hears for Dave, I’m sure. The rest of the list are just some mellow, hippy-type songs that I like. Some of them most people know. Some are a little less known.

Although I like to rock with Greg and Freddy, I must admit that I am a folky type at heart. I’m high strung enough naturally that I need mellow music to calm me down most days. I firmly believe that music can make or break your mood. When I worked at AE in Pittsburgh, I remember witnessing first hand how the flavor of a song could almost instantly change the mood of a room. It was amazing, and it was something that I think I was good at taking advantage of (back me up here, Marsha!).

The last few days I have felt some inside turmoil. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s partly due to adjusting to a new job, a new routine. Andrew hasn’t been feeling well and has been more fussy, so that can cause some agitation. The weather has been awful and we’ve been stuck inside with cabin fever. Plus, my father in law told me that he overheard Jacob telling my nieces that no one cares about Jake any more, that we all just want to fuss over the baby. So now I’m feeling guilty about that too. I’ve been making an effort to be more attentive to Jacob, do things specifically with him when the baby is sleeping, or quietly entertained. I guess the feelings he has are normal, and not necessarily caused by anything we have or haven’t done. Still, it made me feel bad for him. I don’t want him thinking he takes second fiddle. But try as I might, I’m just a little edgy lately. (Seems I say that a lot - maybe I’m just always edgy). Some nice, mellow music might just be what my soul needs right now. I used to relax at nights by just putting on quiet, easy music, and laying alone in the dark, listening. I would try to visualize the different layers of the music, separating out the treble, bass, vocals and each individual instrument. I could do that for hours until I fell asleep. I haven’t done that for years and years. Perhaps I should try it now. Here's some good music to use!

Bad Wal Mart

I'm on another anti-wal mart kick today. I just hate that corporation. Circuit City is now closing too. Granted, all of the business closings can't be fully attributed to Wal Mart. The trouble the economy is in goes way beyond the monopoly of one business, but Wal Mart certainly doesn't help. The sheer size of it creates all kinds of marketing problems for the smaller stores, even ones like Circuit City, who are in reality not that small. If other businesses can't compete, then we've lost the core foundation of capitalism. A monopoly limits our choices and in a sense inhibits our freedom. I could also go on and on about how Wal Mart treats its employees, discriminates against race and gender, taxes the government welfare system, and gives little back to America despite its unfathomable resources. Sure, we can argue that they've made some progress since a whirlwind of lawsuits have been thrown in their laps, but we could also argue that they are appeasing us, laying in wait until the dust settles only to return to their questionable policies. If Wal Mart truly cared, it would have treated everyone with the utmost respect from the beginning instead of waiting for the legal system to force human rights onto it.

Do your best to boycott WalMart, and buy from your local businesses as much as possible. If you have the opportunity, watch the Wal Mart Movie. It's a real eye opener. As one man in the YouTube posting I have says, "You can't buy small town quality of life at a Wal Mart." Amen.

Dirty Deeds

Here is the video of AC/DC - Dirty Deeds. The sound is distorted because it was such a BIG sound for a tiny, little speaker. Wish you could have seen (and heard) what I saw (and heard)! It sounds evil in this clip, but really it wasn't!

Updates

First of all, I added some links and such to the side of the blog. I love the video of "The Mom Song" from You Tube. It's sung to the tune of William Tell, and I just think it's hilarious. However, I can't hear it on my computer. Would you all kindly let me know if the link allows sound for other people? If not, go to You Tube and check it out. It will make you laugh, especially if you have your own children.

Then there's a link to a friend's blog (Becky, you write so well, and those little guys of yours are so cute, I had to share. Let me know if you would prefer that I remove the link).

There's also a link to funny pictures of cats - I can't help it. I've always been a cat lover, and some of those are just too funny. Apparently the link gets updated daily, though, because I didn't put that video of a hedgehog on here yesterday. So, keep in mind that I didn't chose all of the stuff that's there.

Lastly, there's freerice.com. It's a website that donates rice to the hungry. It's a game you play - Norma and I have talked about it before on here. It's an addicting and fun game, and you can do some good while you're at it. Check it out, if you have a chance.

Now, the personal updates -

We are all doing relatively well. Andrew has some kind of mystery illness right now. He vomited once between Sunday night and Monday morning, but no further vomiting. I found it dried in his crib (poor guy slept in it all night - bad mommy didn't hear him). He's had some diarrhea, but otherwise no significant symptoms, except that he won't eat. He takes a few sips of a bottle, a few bites of finger food and then he refuses all else for hours. His mood is good, and he doesn't appear sick otherwise. I'm worried about the lack of appetite, but I don't know what to do about it. I'm going to give him today to recover still, and if he's not better, I'll take him to the doctor tomorrow. I imagine that they aren't going to have much to say, especially since there's nothing concrete to treat, and his affect is good.

Now, as for me. I thought that the headache medicine was working well, but now I'm not so sure. I didn't have a headache for almost two whole weeks and was almost on cloud 9! But the medicine is very sedating, even 12-15 hours after I've taken it. I tried to cut back to half a dose, but the headache immediately returned. I only took half a dose for two days, and then resumed the recommended dosage, but for four days now, the headache has remained. This makes me wonder if the meds were ever really working in the first place. I'm giving it another week - then the prescription will be up, and I'll call the doctor. I'm not quite as desperate as I was this time last month, but I'm that sense of despair is slowly creeping back up on me.

I've been at my new job for a week now. So far, so good. I am definitely going to like working part-time. There is a lot of paperwork, rules and regulations to learn, but I am eager to get started and out of the training phase. I think once I can get my feet wet, I'll feel more comfortable with my role and responsibilities.

That's everything for now - in a nutshell. More later, as the inspiration hits me!

More AC/DC Stuff

Greg's aunt Sandie sent me the Pittsburgh Post Gazette link to their review. Much better than mine, and a very accurate analysis. Here's the link and some of their photos - also much better than mine!

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09008/940388-388.stm

AC/DC - The Review

Well, Wednesday was the big day - the AC/DC concert Greg has been waiting for since November. I have to admit that I was mostly going along just to witness his excitement. I worried that the sheer noise of it would make my already aching head that much worse, but now that it is said and done, I must also admit that I had a lot of fun. They played mostly old stuff, which was great, because that’s the stuff we all know and love, and I think it made the concert that much more memorable for Greg too.

The crowd was an amazing mix of people - young and old, preppy, bikers, tattooed and not. I had no idea that AC/DC could be such a unifier! You know you are old, though, when you deliberately take earplugs to a rock concert, and then actually enjoy the music more with them in! Another age marker is when you look at the 20-something, totally smashed idiot beside you, and instead of saying “right on, man!” you are annoyed and seriously worried that he will puke on you. But, as only Greg could, he was able to lighten the mood and made friends with the totally smashed boy sitting next to us, who yelled, “F*** yeah!” at the beginning, middle and end of every sentence. Before the music even began, Greg had become best buddies with the kid, and the kid spent most of the night with his arm around Greg. When Greg went to the bathroom, the kid told me, “Your boyfriend is really cool.” I said, “Yeah. I thought so. So much that I married him!”

I have always known that besides me and the boys, Greg loves my brother-in-law Fred better than anyone. I was not prepared, however, for the number of times I would hear Greg yell Fred’s name during that concert! He either yelled, “There’s Freddy!” “Yeah Freddy!” or just “Fred!” so many times that I lost count. I think their connection is much deeper than I realized, and I told Greg later that no woman should hear her husband yell another man’s name that many times in one night!

I tried to take some video with my phone, which I’ll upload later, but again the quality is pretty poor. Cell phone’s aren’t exactly made to handle that kind of volume.

Even given my lack of enthusiasm for AC/DC in general, I must admit that they put on a great concert. These guys are in their 60's and still rocking like teenagers, minus the sex appeal...Angus did a little strip-tease at one point, and I'm sorry, but although the man can jam, there just isn't anything sexy in a 6o year old's pasty and sagging pecs! Still, it was a very nice day for Greg and me, and I’m glad, despite the messed up drama that originally surrounded these tickets, that we decided to keep them and go. I know Greg is happy with the decision.

AC/DC Photos

Here are a few pictures from the AC/DC concert. We had a great time, and I promise to write about it sometime between Friday and Sunday. Just wanted to get these pictures on for now. Forgive the quality - it's a cell phone camera, so they aren't that great. Of course, they are not in order either. It's amazing that I can actually use a computer sometimes.

Yes, I actually wore the horns, and no, I wasn't drunk...not too much, anyway!

Jacob was bred to be an AC/DC fan too, so the least we could do was bring him back some blinking horns!

Greg's drunken buddy...and I do mean DRUNKEN!

Greg looked like this throughout the entire concert!

Before the concert began - horns and beer in hand!

Jacobisms, Work and AC/DC

Jacob - “Fly fishing is when you cast your line from an airplane.”

It’s “plow-wood” not “plywood.”
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I started back to work on Monday the 5th. Just two days this week because Greg and I are going to the AC/DC concert in Pittsburgh tonight and staying over. Next week will be a full week. So far it has gone pretty well. I’m a little overwhelmed with all of the paperwork, and figuring out who gets what when, but that will all come together as I get used to the job. I definitely think that working part time is going to suit me. The last two 4 hour days went very quickly, and I was still able to meet with friends, do my own errands and chores and not feel overwhelmed. So, for right now, I’m hopeful that this position was the right decision for me to make.

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This afternoon, Greg and I are heading to Pittsburgh to see AC/DC. They aren’t my favorite band, but they definitely are Greg’s. He’s very excited, and I’m excited for him. I’m also looking forward to eating dinner at the Church Brew Works (you should check out their website at - www.churchbrew.com such a cool place with great food!) It’ll be nice to get away for a while, just the two of us. Our parents are splitting the job of taking care of the kids, so they are in good hands. I’ll write more on Friday (maybe) when we are back and settled.

That’s all for now!

News and Stuff

First things first. I hope that I am not jinxing myself when I say that (knock on wood) I have been mostly headache free for the last 4 days. I had a shorter (4 hours) and milder one yesterday, but none today and none the two days prior. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is the end of the headaches and that the meds are kicking in. I was seriously on the verge of a mental breakdown, and I'm praying they don't return.

Secondly, my 10 months of complaining about not have a real job have finally come to an end. As of Jan 5th I am taking a FSHA (Family Support Health Advocate) position with Child Advocates of Blair County. In a nutshell and overly simplified, it's a case management position for kids who are enrolled in Head Start. I will be working part time, 4 hours a day. I'm very excited about the job. I think that I will enjoy the position, plus I'm ecstatic about the hours. It will be perfect for Jacob, because he will not need to be in child care at all. I'll be able to take him to school and be there when he's done. Also, I will follow the school calendar, so I will have summers off as well as a Christmas break. Perfect for a working mom - outside contact and purpose without infringing on home life.

Those are the two main events in my life right now. We had a great Christmas. Jacob thoroughly enjoyed the holiday, which makes it nice for us. Every year at our family Christmas party, someone plays Santa. This year my uncle Larry had the honor (the men are such babies, always trying to get out of doing it). After Santa left, Jacob came to me and said, "mom, when santa was here, everyone was here except uncle Larry." Oh boy. I think he is beginning to question some things, and I think that he recognized Larry in the outfit, but he seemed to be easily appeased with telling him that Larry was in the bathroom. Then Jacob drew a picture for Larry, so he wouldn't feel bad about missing Santa. Whew. Another year of dodging the big question is over. We are in the "don't ask, don't tell" phase right now. Of course, when he asks, I'll be honest, but until then, my lips are sealed!

Greg is working for New Year's Eve this year. My parents came down around 7 and we toasted with sparkling grape juice. Andrew is in bed now (8pm) and Jacob is being treated to popcorn and sprite in the living room while watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I'm having a beer by myself, just to say that I wasn't completely dry when bringing in the new year, but I plan to be asleep well before the ball drops. Perhaps calmly ringing in the new year will symbolize a peaceful and calm year. We could use it!

Hope everyone had a great holiday season and I wish everyone a prosperous and healthful 2009!

Andrew and the Fireplace

Andrew is completely obsessed with the pilot light in our fireplace. No matter where I place him, he swivels his little body around and heads straight for the hearth. Once he gets there, he proceeds to place his mouth all over the glass and frame in an attempt to eat the pilot light. This is an ALL DAY occurrence at our house. The boy is determined, to say the least!

More Christmas Photos

My sister Megan, and my niece, Ella.

Jacob practices his hockey stance.

Greg poses with the boys and the mug that Jacob had engraved especially for Greg.

The note to Santa, and the cookies on a plate that Jacob made at school for me.

Andrew watches us from the safety of his firetruck.

Christmas Photos

Jacob gives Andrew a specially made paper "stocking" with a sippy cup and baby food just for him!

The tree on Christmas Eve. The room is big too. The picture doesn't do it justice!

Our fireplace, complete with Jacob's homemade additions.

Andrew catches a few winks before Christmas day...and I mean a few - he was up all night Christmas eve, and Christmas night...

Christmas Day

On Christmas morning this year we had three families under our roof to celebrate. Greg, me, Jacob, Andrew, my sister Megan, brother-in-law Dustin, and my mom and dad all had gifts under our tree. Megan and Dustin came down Christmas Eve to help us set out the loot, and all four of us stared at the tree in awe when we were done. There were so many gifts! I have a very big living room, and it literally spanned almost the entire width of the room. When Jacob came down Christmas morning he yelled, “Mom! There are so many gifts, Santa even had to put them on the couch because he ran out of room under the tree!” Then he called my parents to tell them to hurry down so we could open gifts. He told my dad, “Pap, hurry! There are 114 gifts to open!”

It was a really nice day. We opened gifts slowly and had breakfast here. Then the kids played here for a while until we headed up to my mom’s for dinner. My dad made a roast and Greg fried a turkey, plus all the other trimmings. Jacob was thrilled with so many science related items, and I just kept thinking, “oh how am I ever going to find the time to do all of these things with him!”

Tonight we are going to a party and tomorrow we host the annual Sheehan family Christmas party here. Yesterday and today my headaches have been milder, so I’m hoping that they continue to cooperate. It makes the days so much more enjoyable. I have tons of pictures to upload, but it may be a few days before I get around to it. I know that’s what everyone really like to see!

I’ll end with this thought - on Christmas Eve, after Jacob said his bedtime prayers, he added some thank-yous to God. “Thank you God for Christmas. Thank you God for letting people make houses. Thank you God for our family. And thank you God for making the Earth.”

Thank you God, for my friends and family, especially my two beautiful boys!

My Aching Head

I don’t know how people with chronic pain keep their sanity, and I am praying by the minute that I am not going to find out. I have had a headache for over 6 months now and it just refuses to go away. Nothing, I mean NOTHING will touch it. I’ve tried Advil, Tylenol, aspirin, imitrex, treximet, inderal, lysinopril (hoping that it was correlated to my blood pressure), and now I’m on a hefty dose of prednisone for a short term fix and elavil as a hopeful long term solution. It has been two days on the newest treatment, and my head feels worse than ever. I was under the impression that the steroid would knock the headache out by decreasing inflammation and would help me get over the caffeine withdrawal, because I was told to cut out all caffeine (which is probably not helping). Today I feel absolute despair. I have actually broken into tears multiple times because I just can’t see an end to this. It’s absolutely maddening, and I would go as far as to say that I would sacrifice a limb to rid myself of the headache, except that the phrase “be careful what you wish for” keeps ringing in the back of my mind. I suppose I do like my limbs after all.

The pain is bad, but not bad enough to keep me from going about my life. On a scale of 1-10 it varies between a 4 and an 8 throughout the day, hovering mostly around 5. But then again, what choice do I have? Someone has to take care of the kids and the house. The real problem is that the pain is constant, and although I am carrying on with life, I’m not doing it in a very nice or desirable way. I’m short tempered by nature, but this has given me a hair trigger, with Jacob and Greg bearing the brunt of most of it, and Andrew even getting the occasional, “Please just stop!” What kind of person yells at a baby? So now on top of being physically uncomfortable, I am beginning to really hate myself as a person too, which does little to improve my mood.

I guess there is no real point to this blog, aside from my complaining. I will call the Headache Center in Pittsburgh on Monday and see what else, if anything, I can do. I know that it’s just a waiting game, but the wait just seems so, so, so long. Just the thought of another day of this brings me to tears.

A Special Christmas Present

On Wednesday I went to see a neurologist in Pittsburgh to hopefully put and end to these incessant headaches. I have a new course of treatment to try, which I am praying works - and fast! At this point, I feel like I’d try just about anything to rid myself of this chronic pain.

On the way home, I stopped by my old workplace to visit some staff and consumers before having coffee with friends. It was wonderful to see some of my old “guys.” Some things have changed so much, and some things will never change. In many ways the visit made me nostalgic, but I also had a sense of peace when I left, because I sincerely felt that, although I miss the people and look fondly on the time in my life when I lived and worked in Pittsburgh, I am glad for where I am right now.

For those of you who don’t know, I worked as a Program Instructor at a day program for mentally challenged adults for 3 years. What a crazy job it was! I have to admit that it could be a very stressful atmosphere (although not quite comparable to FICS reunification), but it could also be the happiest place on earth. However, regardless of how stressful the situations could seem, when I worked at Allegheny East, I laughed every day - a sincere, from the heart laugh. Working with people who have MR can be such rewarding work. They offer us a glimpse into the human psyche. They are people who act solely on raw human emotions, the same emotions that we all have, but theirs are pure, jaded only by the indecencies that “normal” people have imposed upon them.

There are several consumers who hold extra special places in my heart, each for their own unique reasons. One in particular was still at the center when I arrived waiting for her van (like I said, some things never change!). She’s a fantastic example of someone who speaks from her heart. Good or bad, she says exactly what she is thinking and feeling at that moment. She can be loud, brazen, crass and disrespectful on a routine basis, but I have always had a soft spot for her. She can also be the most tender-hearted little woman. She will greet you in the morning (after telling a few people to get the hell out of her way) with a soft rub on the forearm, tilt her head and say “how’r you?” She’s protective of other people, “Don’t touch my sister! You! Outa here!” And she will also tell you exactly where to go when she’s mad at you, “God I hate you! Shut your ****ing face!” Wouldn’t we all love to say those things to some people in our lives??!!

Marsha thinks that she recognized me. I don’t know if she did or not, but she gave me a hug big enough to choke me and a sloppy kiss on the cheek when she saw me. I asked her about Christmas and what Santa was brining her. She replied with “a new watch and a purse” - the same things she has been asking for for the last 8 years (probably longer). When she went over her Christmas list, it brought tears to my eyes. She made me laugh like old times, and she gave me that wonderful glimpse of hopeful innocence again. What a nice gift for me in the midst of the Christmas season, to be assured again in the good of people by my two dear friends who met me at the drop of a hat, despite their own hectic schedules, and by an old friend who, despite her years, retains her inner beauty always. I really hope Santa brings her that purse and watch this year. She’s been waiting so patiently, and I think she deserves them!

At Home Hair Cut

I can't figure out how to reverse the order of photos on blog posts, so these are out of order.

I took Jacob to get his hair cut yesterday after school, but there was a half hour wait. His hair was so long, I could probably braid it around his ears. Greg has cut hair before, so I called and asked him if he would cut Jake's hair when he got home. He agreed. When he started cutting, Jacob, being the calm and collected kid that he is, completely wigged out on us. He was screaming and flailing around like a nut ball because some hair had gotten down his shirt. Now, I know that hair is incredibly itchy, but keep in mind that Jacob also has quite the knack for drama. Long story short, the haircut was uneven, and got progressively shorter until, well, you see the finished product. My mom said he won't need another hair cut until July. I think she might be right.

Jacob, straight out of Auschwitz.

(Those marks around his neck are from him violently scratching himself!)

Trying to get a little closer.

Angry before it even began.

My Wrinkled Christmas Blessings

Last Friday Greg and I went to his company Christmas party. As I was getting ready for the party, I looked at myself in the mirror and this is what I saw: more crows feet than I should have, age spots on my forehead, small lines starting around my lips (already!), a behind that continues to grow by the day, and a sweater that was clearly made for someone over the age of 60. Oh well, I thought. This is what I look like. At least my teeth are still white. Let’s go!

Many of the people Greg works with are our age or older. It’s a job that requires training and experience, and isn’t generally for young, immature types. There is one young man, 22, of whom Greg thinks highly. He introduced us, and my only thoughts were, “Wow! This man is just a boy. He’s so young!” When did 22 start to feel like another generation? It is another generation, at this point. I’m a whole decade older than him, but I think that the reality of being in my 30’s has just recently hit me. I know, I know. I’m not old by a long shot, but I feel old, and I believe the saying is “you’re only as old as you feel.”

Aside from my college pals, 85% of my friends are older than me. I have always felt that I had more in common with those 15 years or more my senior than with most people my own age. Someone once told me I was an “old soul.” I don’t know if she meant it as a compliment or not, but I think it was true, to a large degree. So why now am I having a mini mid-life crisis of sorts? Why do I feel so uncomfortable in this old skin?

This morning while grocery shopping and pushing a sleeping Andrew around in the cart, a woman stopped me and said, “Oh to change places with him!” “Yeah,” I said, “except for the growing up part. I wouldn’t want to do that again.” That’s the truth too. I wouldn’t want to have to grow up again. Granted, it would be nice to nap whenever I wanted, to not be burdened with the worries of bills and responsibilities, but all in all, the process of growing up is painful. I’m glad I’m already grown.

Maybe it’s the time of year, or just the changes that come with having a baby and quitting work (yes, I’m apparently still hung-up on that issue), or these dog-gone headaches that have plagued me for the last 6 months that have me feeling old. This time of year, as many people do, I think back on my family traditions and wonder where the time has gone. I always wonder , too, how things would be different if my grandmother were still living. It’s dumb to think that way - completely counter-productive and pure speculation at that, but I can’t help it. I remember the Christmas parties she used to have each year with the whole family. Even those so far removed that we no longer knew how we were related, came. One year when I was 4 or 5, I fell out of bed, cut my chin and ended up with a few stitches. I remember some of the gifts we gave and received - my sister once got a pink power wheels scooter and my aunt Kathy gave all of the girls fake Cabbage Patch dolls with really ugly noses. Once my mother gave my grandparents a very large (by today’s standards) cordless phone and answering machine combo. My grandfather said , “What do we need that for?" He's always had a way with words! (I also remember that phone clearly picked up entire conversations when the neighbors would talk on their own phone! ) My cousins and I used to make a “fort” under the basement steps and would try to scare the adults coming unknowingly along. There are so many memories, I could write forever.

After my grandmother died, my mother took on the role of hosting the Christmas parties. I have just as many good memories at our house too. One year, my aunt Carmen looked out at the tinsel pieces scattered across the lawn and said, as only Carmen could, “Oh Kris, I love what you’ve done with your lawn!” Another year, no men would agree to play Santa (those idiots!) so Carmen - all 5 feet of her, dressed up and played the part. There isn’t another soul like Carmen, and we are so blessed to have her in our lives still.

Now that I am married, the Christmas parties have been moved to our home. I’m glad to host them. It’s a tradition that I proudly take as my responsibility, as long as everyone wants me to do it. My mom, dad and aunts still do all of the menu planning and cooking, which makes it all the better for me! And it is but one of the things in my life that I can honestly look at and say without doubt, that age has improved. As I type this, Andrew is in his jumpy seat. Every time I look his way, he grins from ear to ear and jumps faster. That’s another benefit of age - having my own children, and knowing what true blessings they are.

The fact that my body no longer looks like it used to (and will continue to deteriorate!) is really a small price to pay for the accumulation of such blessings and good memories that my life has brought me and will continue to bring. I’m waiting for the time when I am completely comfortable in my own skin and I no longer feel the grief of the loss of physical youth. Does that actually happen? It must, because in many ways, I know that I am much more comfortable with myself now than I was when I was 20, despite actually looking worse! I guess this has been a long way of saying that, although in many ways I don’t feel beautiful anymore, I’m still happy about where I am in my life, and I wouldn’t change trade it for a thing….


…..except maybe a nice tight butt, thighs, stomach and some firm, solid C cup boobs (oh, wait! I never had those in the first place!)

Tree Hunting

Today we made our annual trek to J&B Tree Farm and picked our Christmas tree. It was pretty cold out, so we made a decision relatively quickly. Actually, almost everything went unreasonably smoothly today. The tree is up and decorated and no one even had to swear! A great way to start the holiday!

"Now, Jacob, this is a saw..."

"Get on with it, Greg. I know what the tools are!"

The men and their tree.

"That's my boy!"One last hug before the danger begins! :)

Babababa And All That Jazz...

Having worked in early childhood development for quite some time now, I am well aware of when babies should reach their milestones. That said, I am also well aware that not reaching milestones in specific accordance with the guidelines can also completely normal. However, most babies babble, saying consonants (ba, da, ma) between 6-8 months of age. Andrew will be 8 months old on Dec 24, and as of Tuesday had still not said a single consonant. I was getting worried. Well, on Wed, he woke up saying "babababa" and has not stopped saying it since then! I sent Greg a video, because I was so excited, and Greg so lovingly pointed out that he looks like I have fed him a steady diet of Vodka all day! Oh well! Drunken-looking or not, the kid is saying a consonant, and I'm a happy Mama!

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Tonight at dinner Jacob told me that J.J. (a friend at school) told him that you needed to have a six pack to be a wrestler. I asked him if he knew what a six pack was, and he said "yeah, any group of muscles." I explained better what it was, and told him that Greg could show him a six pack. Jake thought about it and said, "OK, but do you have to have one to be a wrestler" I told him I didn't think it was necessary and that he could ask Pap, because Pap didn't have a six pack, but wrestled in high school. Jake said, "well, what kind of pack did Pap have, a 5 pack?"

Andrew Sings "Deck the Halls"

"Falalalala, lalalala..." or is it "Farararara, rararara."

"Enough already! I just can't get it right!"

Anti-Cottage Cheese, a Family Agreement

This is a video of Andrew's first taste of cottage cheese. Needless to say, he wasn't very excited about it. He actually never swallowed it, but instead just moved his tongue around in his mouth...pretty much the same thing Jacob did when I introduced it to him 5 years ago.