Do Moms Get PTO?

I know I have been focusing on gratitude, but please allow me this one little indiscretion, one stray from the path, if you will. Lately, I have been feeling very overwhelmed and frankly, burned out, and I need to vent a little. I'll get myself back on track for the next entry, I promise.

Before I get to the heart of my complaints, let me preface with this: I have a wonderful husband. He works very long hours and very long days to support us. He is a fantastic father, and gives his all to both me and to our boys. He's a good listener, he takes interest in what we are doing and he is never preoccupied when he spends time with us. I couldn't find a man who loves me more, or whom I love more. I am very aware, every day, of how blessed we all are to have him in our lives.

That said, sometimes I feel over burdened with my end of the household responsibilities. I'm sure he would say that the tables are pretty well balanced. While I take care of almost all of the house and child related needs, he takes care of almost all of the financial and structural needs. I don't pay the bills and he doesn't do the grocery shopping. It's how many families operate. It seems pretty cut and dry, and it seems pretty fair in theory.

Most of the time, I am OK with it. But every once in a while, it starts to irk me a little. I'm feeling irked lately. It's not that I get home earlier and have to spend more time caring for the kids. It's not even the fact that I am the one to do a majority of the housework. What really gets me is time off. When Greg has days off from his main job, sometimes he works a secondary job. Sometimes he spends the day with us, and sometimes he does whatever he wants, like going fishing with his brother for example. Now, I do NOT have a problem with him going fishing with his brother. I am glad that Greg has such a close relationship with his siblings. I love them too, and I am glad that Greg has a boat again and is able to fish period. I'm irritated because when Greg goes fishing for the day, he simply goes fishing. Plain and simple.

Confused? Let me explain.

Greg's freedom to just get up a and go is where my real jealousy lies. Sometimes Greg asks me in advance if we have anything planned, but sometimes he does not. Here are the things that he NEVER has to do: coordinate schedules, lay out clothing, snacks, toys, medications for the boys, write a list of things to do or not to do with the kids, clean the house before leaving so that he doesn't have a ton of chores awaiting him when he returns, prepare meals in advance, find a baby sitter. No, he doesn't need to find a sitter, because he has one built right in - me! On my days off, which are typically the weekends, I have two children by my side. I do not have the luxury of having days off during the week when the kids and "the husband" (he constantly refers to me as "the wife" and that drives me nuts too) are conveniently already accounted for. I have two little rug rats with me at all times, preparing meals, cleaning the house, shopping, even in the bathroom - yes, even if I lock the bathroom door, they stand outside, look through the crack and call, "Mom, you in there?" God, I can't even pee in peace.

Now, I have posed this argument to Greg before. My feelings aren't news to him. He will tell me that in the "grand scheme" of things, I have more time off work than he does. Well, hour for hour, yes, I do. I only work part time. I'm not arguing about how much he works. He works hard. This isn't an issue of work ethic, it's an issue of bondage. I'm arguing that I am tethered to these children and this house, and he is not. And here's another thing. Yes, I have time off at Christmas and in the summer. Guess what, the kids are off then too. That's a good thing. I see that as a perk to my job, but for this argument's sake, can you see my point? There is no break from my home responsibilities. They are right by my side, at all times.

Also, I recently increased my hours at work, because we are short staffed. It's only temporary, I hope. But for right now, I am working enough hours that I have about 30 minutes of free time between when I get home from work and when Jacob gets out of school. It's enough time to run one quick errand or throw in a load of laundry. I don't even have time to go to the grocery store alone at this point in time. And there's a huge illustration of my point - when I start looking at going to the grocery store alone as a treat then something is wrong with my life. I hate the grocery store!!! It's not a treat to go period! Honestly, in the last 6 weeks or so, I have gone to the grocery store maybe 3 times because I just can't find the time to go until late at night and by then I have no energy or desire. When the kids are starving and complaining that there's nothing to eat, whose shoulders does that fall on? Here's a hint - not Greg's.

Actually, that brings up another point too. When I get up in the morning the first thing I do (after pouring my coffee) is some kind of chore - unload the dishwasher, fold laundry or start a load of laundry, etc. If I can't sleep at night, I do the same thing. When I have half an hour between getting home and getting Jake, I do the dishes, dust, fold laundry, sweep the porch, etc. I never stop working. When Greg comes home, he comes home and plays with the kids. If he can't sleep at night, or gets up an hour early, he doesn't unload the dishwasher. I know he's not intentionally leaving these items for me, but I sometimes I wish I had the burden of paying the bills so that I could stop working when work was done and not be constantly thinking about what else needed to be taken care of. I am jealous that much of my time with the kids is spent taking care of business, so to speak and not doing quality activities. I have things I need to do, so I can't play long. I am short and impatient with them, because I have to-do lists running through my head, and I know that the burden of crossing off the items on those lists falls on me. Then I spend my evenings after the kids have gone to bed feeling guilty about the time I lost, or the yelling I did - thinking about all of the things I did wrong throughout the course of each day. What an awful way to feel, as a mother, that you are failing your children. I feel it over and over and over.

I know, Greg would say that I don't have to worry about unclogging the drains, repairing the light fixtures or remodeling the basement. No, I don't. I don't even try to do those things, not so much because I don't feel like they are my responsibility, but rather because I am afraid I will either hurt myself or make the problem harder for him to fix later. The things I need help with are small in comparison, but would elicit so much appreciation. When we got married, Greg told me that I would never have to unload the dishwasher again. Now, I understand that was an exaggeration, but really, if I came down just once or twice in the morning to find an empty dishwasher, I would be elated. It doesn't get much easier than that! And I have told him that if I had less household and kid stuff floating around my brain at night, he would be more likely to get lucky, just because I would be more relaxed and less tired and preoccupied. Stress is a real libido killer, but I digress...

Today we have the day off for Veterans Day. Andrew has some kind of sixth sense about days off. During the week, I have to wake him up practically every day around 7:40 to get him ready for school. On the weekends, he is usually up by 7, if not earlier. Today, he was up at 6:05. Tomorrow, when he has to go back to school, he will be snoring away at 7:30. I don't get it. This morning when Andrew woke up before the sun, Mom's dogs (which I am taking care of for the next few days) needed to go out, and the knot in my back which has been getting tighter and tighter for the last two months was screaming at me, I thought seriously about making a run for the hills. I sent Greg an angry text message telling him that this weekend was MINE. He should not under any circumstances make any plans, because I am going somewhere, anywhere - ALONE. No, I have no idea where I will go. Honestly, I probably won't go anywhere, because, truth be told, I have no where to go. While Greg can pick up and go at the drop of a hat because all of his friends are men, and in the same boat as he is, all of my friends are female and require much more planning than one day. So my "demand" for a whole day alone will probably result in an hour long massage, if I can get an appointment, and maybe a nap. Woo hoo.

I don't know what the answer is. Sending an angry text message first thing in the morning is probably not it. I will likely apologize later for that, before or after he chastises me for it, depending on his mood and how he responds to it. I have talked to many women, and I have come to the conclusion that my situation is not unique. I just hate these feelings. I hate feeling overwhelmed and I hate feeling jealous and bitter that I do not possess the same freedom as the man who is supposed to be my "partner." Doesn't that term imply equality? It forces me to feel financially inadequate. I feel like I don't have the right to be angry, because I don't pay a majority of the household bills. He has his share of burdens too, and I feel unjust in being angry about him not upholding my end of the deal when I don't do much to uphold his end. I am not often a jealous person, and I don't like harboring that emotion. It's not good for anyone, especially me. And the biggest kicker is that the situation is not likely to change, so me being angry about Greg having more freedom than me is pointless. I have to find a way to just accept it and move on.

Some day, the children will be grown and I will have my freedom back. Some day, I will miss the days of dependence and clinging. I know I will miss the snuggling and books at bed time, the feel of their tiny hands in mine, the funny things they say, the innocent wonder with which they view the world and many more aspects of their fleeting childhood. Maybe part of me will even miss the sibling bickering (ha!)...but that day is many years away, so how do I cope in the meantime? How do you cope?