A Different Kind Of Christmas

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.-- Author Unknown

Every year since my conception, I have been given a special ornament for Christmas. The year my mother was pregnant with me, it was a circular ornament with a carousel horse in the center. Another year, it was a Jack-in-the-box. Later, they were tailored to my interests. There was a cat sitting inside a mailbox, a Strawberry Shortcake ornament, one from our first trip to the Outer Banks, a German beer mug for the first time I traveled to Germany, two mice on telephones for when I worked at AT&T (my mom has one and I have one), the list goes on. When I got pregnant with Jacob, we continued the tradition with him, and increased it ten-fold, of course. He gets multiple ornaments each year! Likewise, when I met Greg, we began our own collection of ornaments and happily added SaraBeth and Andrew into the mix as they joined the family. Most years the ornaments are Hallmark Keepsake ornaments, but not always. The point is to have the ornaments reflect something significant about the year.

One of my favorite parts of Christmas is digging out the box of ornaments and reliving Christmases past, while decorating the tree. It's impossible to sit here at the computer and remember 33 ornaments from my past and the stories behind them, but seeing them in front of me, I can recall bits and pieces of my childhood. It's a walk down memory lane, and one that I have shared with my family for my entire life. Also tucked in that box are not just my own ornaments, but Jacob's baby ornaments. There are stories I can tell him of his first, second and third Christmases. What child doesn't love to hear about himself as a baby? There are also ornaments that belonged to my grandmother, little pieces of her that I could hang on my tree - a silent way for me to know that she is still here with us on Christmas, a witness to the expansion and closeness of her family.

But not this year. This year, we have chosen not to put up a large tree. In the name of safety and sanity, we have opted for a very small potted pine tree that will hold only a handful of light weight ornaments. I didn't even entertain the thought of opening my colossal Rubbermaid container of ornaments. In my heart, I know that this was the right decision. The safety of my family is the most important factor, and my sanity is the second. I feel like I'm on the edge of sanity half the time anyway. Having had a tree for the last few weeks would not have been easy. Honestly, it has been much less stressful not having the tree than worrying about Andrew climbing it, getting into the water under it, pulling the ornaments off it it, pulling the tree over on himself, or God only knows what else the child could think of to do to (or with) a Christmas tree that I could not foresee. However, I have to admit that now, one week from Christmas, I feel some regret in not getting a tree. It just doesn't feel the same without one.

I'm not only feeling the loss of reminiscing about the ornaments, but also feeling some sadness while looking ahead to Christmas day. The tree we have is so small, it sits on an end table that is probably about 18 inches square and 3 feet high. How is it going to feel for the children to wake up to this teeny tree in the middle of our living room? We usually get an 8 foot tree. That's quite a difference. Just the other day, Jacob told me that one of the things he liked best about Christmas was cutting down the tree with Greg last year. That comment didn't help my guilt. Thinking further ahead then to our Christmas party, how will it feel? I imagine it will feel very odd. I can't remember a family party in my life without a Christmas tree. Now I am wondering if maybe we should get a tree on Sunday. It would be a HUGE pain in the neck and a HUGE stress, but it would only be one week with a tree, not several. I could take it down next weekend...I'm just tossing ideas around.

Last night, I picked up my Christmas cookies, and then dropped off my mom's and my mother-in-law's. When I walked up the steps to my house, I was thinking about things I need to do to get the house ready for our annual party. I looked at the house, and thought, "The house looks the same on the outside, but it doesn't feel the same on the inside." There are several reasons for why I doesn't feel the same, but one reason is the tree. I've said before that I am grateful to host this party. I'm glad to carry on the tradition of my grandmother's annual Christmas bash. It's a great family reunion, and I feel honored to be an active part of it. I don't do much for it. My parents and my aunts still provide most of the food. I simply send out the invitations, decorate and provide the location. Who could ask for an easier party to throw! This year, I didn't even decorate. I feel like I feel short on my end of the deal. I have let myself down. I don't think anyone else expects much of me, but I do. This year, without a tree, I have failed somewhat. (And who am I kidding, I know some people will talk!)

I haven't decided if I will get the tree or not. Greg and I will have to talk about it, because I obviously can't get it with two small children alone. I'm not so sure it's worth the effort for just one week. Perhaps it is, for my conscience. Regardless of what I decide, I can say this: this Christmas I am grateful for a healthy family, a loving husband (who I don't tell often enough how loving he is), and the opportunity to gather together, itty bitty tree or not!