Sometimes It's Just A Matter of Survival

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.-- Buddha

I found this quote to be particularly fitting for me, not just today, but many days. Although I post many blogs about gratitude and thanksgiving, the truth is that I often struggle with keeping myself grounded within those feelings. I recently told a friend of mine that sometimes the thing that I am grateful for at the end of the day is that I don't have a terminal illness! Indeed, that is something to be glad about! There is always someone who has it worse than I do. That is something to remember, but also easy to forget.

I struggle, especially when I toss and turn at night, exhausted and mentally pleading for just one night of sound sleep. I wake up with a headache, I go through the day with a headache, and I go to sleep at night with a headache. The positive is that most days, the headache now is much, much duller than it was this time last year. In addition to the neurologist, I have been seeing a chiropractor who is trying very hard to help me. He listens to what I am saying. He has attempted several treatments. So far, there's been very little improvement. The fact is that most people with chronic headaches never resolve them. Headaches are tricky. That fact, if I allow it, depresses me. I'm 32. The thought of feeling like this forever, well, frankly, stinks.

However, as I have said before, most periods in my life that have seemed to be trials, have also proven to be valuable learning experiences. Life's lessons are not always apparent when you are in the thick of them, and God does not bring to you what He feels you cannot handle. I need to remind myself of these two concepts throughout my days. Sitting quietly in the morning, alone at the computer with a cup of coffee, it is easy to hash out how I will tackle the day's challenges. Putting them into practice is another story. Exhaustion, frustration, the day's accumulated hassles don't always give way to the best interactions. For now, looking forward for this day, I pray that my family is forgiving. I pray that I can find forgiveness for myself for sins I will undoubtedly commit, and I most of all I pray that I am able to make the changes I have been trying make, to find gratitude, and to express and convey it so that everyone around me knows that I am sincerely grateful for much more than just not having died today.