Active Meditation

I recently attended a training for work about health and wellness. There was a segment on yoga and meditation as part of the training. I don't do yoga. I bet that doesn't surprise any of you. I also don't meditate. No surprise there either, huh? I have often wished that I could find enough peace within myself to do yoga and to meditate, but it just never seems to be there for me. My mind doesn't stop moving enough for me to immerse myself completely into the moment the ways yoga and meditation demand. I have even tried doing yoga, in the hopes that it would allow me to access my inner calm, but it doesn't. It ends up stressing me out because I am not flexible enough, or I start thinking that I could be using that half hour for something so much more physical, and I inevitably give up. I took a yoga class in college. I spent the entire time feeling very uncomfortable doing such unusual postures in a room full of strangers. I couldn't shake the thought that other people were looking at (and critiquing) my butt. After three sessions, I bailed out. It's just not for me.

At this training, however, the woman spoke of a different kind of meditation that she does. I don't remember the exact name, but the premise is this: she sits quietly but she doesn't chant or do deep breathing exercises to cleanse her mind of all thoughts. Instead, she allows all her thoughts to appear in her mind, acknowledges them by simply saying to herself, "that's interesting," and then lets the thought leave on its own. She doesn't let the thoughts spark other thoughts and then become their own little mental drama, but she doesn't try to stifle her mental noise either. I found that to be an interesting take, and one that I could possibly utilize. If I didn't have to silence my mind, I might just be able to handle meditation.

(OK, now, bear with me here, because this is going to appear to venture away from the subject at hand, but it will come back around, I promise.)

I am a runner. I have been runner for many years on many levels. I love running for so many reasons, many of which I have already outlined in detail in prior posts. I have been kicking around the thought of running a half marathon for some time now, but I keep chickening out. There is a local race in October I might try...maybe...if I get the guts.

In training (can you call it training when you haven't actually committed to a specific race?) for this half marathon, I have been venturing out on longer and longer runs. In the last two weeks, I have actually decided to take new routes at the spur of the moment, just to see how far they take me. That's about as wild and free as it gets for me! I'm pretty proud of this new found spontaneity! I'm also proud that I am increasing my distance considerably. I am now running 7.5 mile runs several times a week with a few 4-5 mile runs and the occasional 2-3 miler in there on less strenuous days. It's not good to run the long runs every day, so I keep them to once or twice a week. I don't like the 2 mile runs, because I feel like just when I get my groove, it's over. The 5 milers are perfect for the in-between days, but again, I digress. This was not intended to be a mileage tracking blog entry.

I am going for distance at this point, not speed. It takes me about 1:15 to run 7.5 miles. That's slow. I start out faster, but as the run progresses, I slow down. The last few runs, I purposefully started off slower in order to pace myself. I'm hoping that over time I can increase my overall pace, long term. I could definitely use some speed work, but for now, since I don't have a race lined up, I'm focusing on pushing the distances to see how far I can go. There's always room for speed work later, and I do notice that my shorter runs tend to be considerably faster - like 9:15/mile instead of 10:30. That's a big difference.

Running one and a quarter hours, several times a week gives me plenty of time to think. I have always used my runs to think. I think about conflicts I am having, dilemmas needing solved, nutrition and wellness stuff. I think of ways to handle difficult or touchy situations at work. I replay conversations I have had with people and digest their thoughts on things abstract topics. I also think often about my blog entries! Sometimes, if something is particularly pressing, I spend the majority of the run on one subject, but more often than not, my mind runs the gamut. Sometimes the thoughts are as fleeting as what I am going to eat for a recovery meal when I get home, or hoping that I don't have to stop somewhere to use the restroom! Pretty hum drum.

When I was running today, for some reason, I thought about the training I had a few weeks ago. When I run, I allow my mind to wander. Thoughts come freely in and out of focus. I don't generally judge the thoughts, because any negativity is bad for performance. If feel negative, I push it aside or counter it with a positive, something I am not always very good at doing when I am not running. It occurred to me that, although I am not sitting in silence, relaxed and deeply breathing, I am meditating much like the woman who presented the training. It's my time to reconnect with myself, with my body, my mind and my spirit. That connection is one of the reasons I need to run. Yes, it's about being physically fit. It's about pushing my own limits, breaking my own physical barriers. But it is also about breaking my mental barriers. Running gives me the time and the space I need to work through and jump over my own hurdles. It is my active meditation.

I could still probably benefit from some true meditation (and maybe even some yoga). I have a feeling that relaxation is something I will be striving for my entire life, but for now, I am happy to have found my own active therapy. I thank God daily, for a capable body and mind, which will hopefully carry me through to one day find my own contentment.