Throw Me A Cookie!

I have been short on serious posts lately. The truth is that I have been contemplating several deeper issues over the last few weeks, but I just haven't been able to solidify any one of them into a topic concise enough to discuss intelligently. Yesterday I spent several hours (not in one stretch, but over the course of the morning and afternoon) writing a lengthy blog about some thoughts I've been having about the after life. Somehow, just when I finished it to my satisfaction, I erased the whole damn thing. In a blink it was gone. I was so irritated, I stayed away from the computer the rest of the day. Maybe it was God's way of telling me that no one wanted to hear my thoughts on the dead anyway!

Today, I decided to go a little on the lighter side, but still get some of these thoughts from my mind and free up some mental space. (God knows I need my all mental capacity to be as efficient as possible!) The problem is that I just don't know where to begin. Today, I think I will start with my job, because that's one of the top five contenders for mental space. I try not to write often about my job. For one, I am bound by all kinds of confidentiality laws and I don't want to ever, even remotely hint at breaking one. That being said, most of my frustrations cannot go any further than my office. Plus, there are a lot of workplace etiquette rules that I would hate to break. It just gets sticky, and it's something that I prefer to steer clear of. Usually. Today I'm going to break my own rule and talk about my job.

For anyone who doesn't know, I am a case manager for children enrolled in Head Start. Head Start is an organization funded by the federal and state governments in order to provide preschool to children who are living within the federal poverty level. For a family of 3, that is about $18,000 a year. Many of our families are well under federal poverty guidelines. I do basically what the title says, case management. I make sure the kids have physical and dental exams. I offer referrals and ensure that families know how to locate resources in the community. I offer parenting advice and education. I act as an advocate for families when need be. I assist them in transitioning their children to kindergarten, and to understand the IEP process if need be. I assist families in connecting with mental health services. The list goes on and on, but you get the gist of what I do.

I attended a very competitive liberal arts college. I loved my time at Allegheny and wish in many ways that I could return to those days. However, I invested over $100,000 in my education. That's not what I currently owe to Sallie Mae, but let's just say that I have a student loan in my name bigger than what we would pay for a brand new SUV. My education was worth the cost, but my employment right now truly doesn't justify it. I make less than $13 an hour. Now, my job has benefits beyond the salary. I have time off at Christmas and over the summer. I have the same snow delays and cancellations as the school district, and hence the same delays and cancellations as my kids. I have a lot of flexibility in my hours, which is great for a working mother. But I don't make any money. It's pitiful. My paycheck pays for my student loans, Andrew's tuition at Harbor House and gas money. For everything else that I buy, I have to ask Greg to fork over the cash. It's very frustrating for me, because in a lot of ways, I feel like I am in junior high again, asking for my allowance. Years ago, when I was in college, I never even considered the chance that I would someday be nearly completely dependent on my husband for support. I always pictured myself as an equal breadwinner. I don't want to earn more money than him, but I would like to be on a level financial playing ground. At one time I thought I was a bright young woman, with eons of promise ahead of me - the opportunity to take on the world and do whatever I put my mind to. I don't feel that way anymore. I just feel stuck, and stupid for making some the career choices I made.

If the salary wasn't enough to put me over the edge (and it is), there's the issue of general burnout. I see so many people doing things that lack integrity, that suck the life out of our economy, that bewilder my spirit. Likewise, I see many people who are trying to get ahead by following the rules, taking the high road, and yet they still can't seem to make ends meet. It's a lose-lose situation. Nobody wins. The families are either cocky and feel entitled, or overwhelmed and exhausted. Morale is low, no matter where I look. Drug abuse, crime and depression are everywhere. Every day I feel sad about the way that the general public is living, and the worst part of it is that this poverty ridden class is multiplying. Yes, I mean literally they are reproducing, but I also mean that they are growing exponentially because families can't break the cycle. Each subsequent child who is born is another child who will more than likely tax the system, live a life of despair and have his or her own child to perpetuate it even further. I truly worry about the future of our country. From my perspective, things are not looking good.

I have been a front line worker in social services for about 12 years now. The field has not changed much, although its semantics have. Even given the push for social work reform (which is well and good in its own right), I see the changes as happening very slowly, if at all. When I first started working in this field, I looked at a few older coworkers who were so very obviously burned out. I told myself that when I started speaking like they did, feeling like they did, I needed to change jobs before my poor attitude trickled down to the families I served. That time is quickly approaching. I need a change.

The problem is that I have no idea what to do with myself. I can't just switch jobs, because the problem is not the organization that I work for, but rather social services in general. Agencies vary slightly, but the over all goals are basically the same. To change to another agency, even if it paid better (Odds are that it won't. Social service pay stinks, period.), would simply be prolonging my misery. I don't want to learn another job, get to know more coworkers and the ins and outs of another company. Honestly, I really feel like I need to work for myself. I just can't take the politics of working in a small county, with a bunch of women any more.

So, I know that I want out of social services, and I know that I don't really want to work for someone else. Where does that leave me? I thought about cleaning more houses. I could always do that. I've had several people ask me about cleaning, but I'm not sure I would want to do that all the time. It's boring, and I would need to have quite a few houses to make a decent living. Plus there's the whole economy issue. Times are tight for people. When wallets are thin, what would you cut from your budget first? The cleaning lady, for sure. And again, not to knock anyone who does manual labor for a living, but I am a smart woman. Part of my discontent is that I am wasting my education, not using my brain. I am capable of so much more. I just don't know where to find it.

Greg and I have talked about real estate - buying, renovating and renting homes. It's an option, but it's risky. The market is bad, the economy is hard. It makes me very nervous to take out another mortgage. What if something happened to Greg and we couldn't afford the upkeep of another home? I don't think selling it be a quick fix option in today's market. We could be stuck with a house we can't afford for years. It could be our demise, if the cards fell the wrong way. If we could find something dirt cheap, then maybe...or if we were already established, then I would consider doing the land lording for him, but that's not the case.

I enjoy writing, but I'm not always inspired, and besides, what the heck would I write and who would I write for? I love animals, but I don't want them in my house. I don't' think there's a whole lot of money in animal care anyway. I need adult interaction, but I also need alone time. I can't work around people all day or I'll go crazy. I need flexibility. Greg works long crazy hours and I am the primary caregiver for my kiddos. I want to be able to drop Jacob off at school and pick him up. I want to have the option of getting Andrew early from preschool for some quality time every now and then. I want to be able to attend some of the functions at Jacob's school too. I want to be able to run and do my errands without the kids. Something I could do on the computer in the middle of the night when I have insomnia and everyone else is sleeping might be a good fit for me. Oh, I don't know...

What the heck can I do??? I need a change, and the sooner the better. I need to make more money (heck, if I could just get these student loans paid off then I'd be so much better), and I need a change of pace. Suggestions are welcome. Does anyone know of something I can do from home? Help! Help! Help! I've been spinning my wheels for a long time, and I feel like a hamster in a wheel. Hell, I feel like I'm in that hamster cage! Somebody let me out - or at least throw me a cookie!