Have you been dying to know why I was thinking about the seagull scene in Finding Nemo? I know you have! It's because I spent the last week in Florida at the beach! I went with my neighbor. No kids, no husband. Just me, Sharon, her brother and sister-in-law. Sharon has gone for the last few years with her family, and in December, she invited me to go along. What a generous gift to give - a week away from all of the stress of home, work and away from the cold! It was the most relaxing vacation I have had since college!
In typical Koelle fashion, I spent the first day ruminating about things at home, worrying, churning responsibilities over and over in my mind, but after a day of sitting on the beach, soaking up the sun, waiting on no one but myself, those nagging thoughts started to fade away, and soon I found my mind to be more still and calm than I ever remember. I actually had times when I didn't have a single thought in my mind except the pure enjoyment of the beach, the water and the sun. For someone whose mind is never quiet, even in sleep, it was an amazing experience. Even my OCD was immobile. I didn't feel the need to clean anything. I didn't worry about touching the remote control for the TV. I wasn't compelled to wipe my hands with antibacterial wipes repeatedly. Of course, I still thought about my weight - that's something that never leaves me, ever - but I wasn't preoccupied with what I was eating, and I didn't feel any of the typical anxiety I have when I eat in restaurants. Now, of course I rambled on and on to poor Sharon and her family about various topics, but I didn't feel that compulsion to talk constantly about food additives or unethical farming. I have often wondered if I actually have the ability to fully relax. I now know it's possible, and just knowing that I can mute my demons, even if only temporarily, is incredibly promising.
Normally, when I am at the beach, I have so many thoughts that I actually need to blog. Blogging, as you know, is my way of releasing those entrapped ruminations. But last week was different. I didn't have that compelling need for disclosure, so the blog sat empty. But lack of blogging doesn't mean that I didn't have some thoughts that I wanted to share. To compensate for my terrible memory, I kept a log in my phone. Here's what I came up with:
* I never understood the appeal of Crocs. I think they are ugly and overpriced for a pair of plastic shoes. But, the beach flip flops that I had were practically falling apart, and being winter in Pennsylvania, it was hard to find a pair of sandals. I ordered a pair of Crocs and skeptically took them on my trip. After a week, I am totally sold on these shoes. They were probably the most comfortable sandals I have ever had, even when they were full of sand! I wore them all the time, even when we weren't at the beach, and walked around town in them too. No rubbing, no stiffness, just comfort. I will definitely buy another pair.
* I have always been enchanted by the ocean. It's a vast, tranquil and alluring mystery, and the scene of many fond childhood memories. The ocean never ceases to take my breath away on that first plunge in. It's almost frightening to think that something so calm and serene could literally swallow me up without even a moment's notice.
* Manatees are awesome! I have gone to the beach every summer since I was born, but we are always much further north. I have seen many dolphins, lots of fish and a few sharks, but never a manatee. Along the coast of Florida, manatees swim regularly. On the first day, as we were sitting on the beach, I was amazed at this giant, and I mean GIANT, shadow slowly making its way across the water. Then came another, and another, and another. Manatees! Huge, slow moving, goofy looking, gentle creatures. I was thrilled to just watch them swim by. Then, one day when Sharon and Pam were in the water, a manatee swam by them. Pam swam towards it and touched it! Wow! The next day, I made it my goal to do the same. When one swam by, we rushed into the water to be next to it. It was the fastest I have ever gotten into the ocean! I got about 4 or 5 feet from it, and chickened out. I didn't touch it...but I should have! Still, it was cool just to say I swam so close to such an enormous and serene creature. Amazing! Aren't they cute?
* If you play your cards right, I think old age can be a lot like revisiting college. Florida is full of retired people, and the resort we stayed at was no different. There were lots of older guests, and it also attracted a large group of older locals who frequented the hotel restaurant. Several nights we watched a group of mostly women, and some men, dance their hearts out together. They had a blast, and we had a blast watching them. Some of those women, although older, we still strikingly beautiful too. They didn't have a Victoria's Secret model's beauty, but rather radiated style, grace, happiness and contentment that I think probably comes with age. The women knew we were watching them and motioned for us to join them many times. It wasn't until I had 3 glasses of wine one night that I actually did get up and dance with them! What fun! I can't dance to save my life, and I would never even consider approaching the dance floor without several glasses of wine coursing through my veins, but that night we danced to several songs, in part fueled by the enthusiasm bubbling from that group of old friends. Watching them wasn't just fun, it was inspiring. I hope I get there someday - somewhere warm and fun, surrounded by friends, carefree and happy just to be.
* The year that I was born, my grandmother had heart valve replacement surgery. The artificial valve ticked steadily and quite loudly, like the second hand on a clock. If you were in a quiet room with her, even sitting several feet away, you could hear it - Tick. Tick. Tick. Sharon had an alarm clock with a ticking second hand, and every day when I took a nap in the afternoon, or in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, I would just lay there and listen to the ticking of her clock. It was so calming, and if I closed my eyes, I could still picture my grandmother laying beside me in bed, doing arm circle exercises - or sitting on the living room couch late at night, watching the stars and the car headlights flicker down the other side of the mountain. I need to get a little clock like that.
* Sharon and I shared a room last week. Before we went on the trip, she warned me that she snores. Our friend Rose also told me that Sharon snores. Still, even with fair warning, I was a little surprised that such a tiny and sweet looking woman could make such a sound. It was OK, though. With the warnings, I knew to take ear plugs, and I really couldn't hear anything except my own breathing with the ear plugs in place. And my grandmother snored so loudly that you could hear her several rooms away, so the combination of snoring and the tick-tick of the clock were actually kind of nice at times. Plus, I figured that me listening to her snoring had to be better than her listening to the 10,000 stories I told. "One time, at band camp..." Yeah, that was me. Maybe it was a fair trade. Maybe. I actually think she got the short end of the deal!
* The beach attracts a lot of different people. People watching is really, in and of itself, a very amusing pass time. We saw all kinds of people in all kinds of bathing suits. I have to wonder if people actually think they look good in those skimpy suits, if they don't know that they actually look very bad, or if they just don't care what the world thinks, because, hey, they're at the beach! I always look at women (mostly women) in very unflattering clothing with an indecisive opinion. Part of me thinks that someone should really tell them how they appear to others, but the other part of me is envious of anyone who is that confident and comfortable in her own skin to let it all hang out. I don't even like wearing my suit without the skirt covering my fat behind. I could never wear a bikini or a thong or a...what do you call a suit that has just a strip of material down the center of your stomach? It doesn't matter what it's called. I wouldn't wear it. Just the thought makes me shudder!
* Likewise, along with some unusual beachwear choices, we witnessed some rather unusual behavior. Take a look:
Yoga or what? I'm not so sure. What I am sure of is that you should probably not be in this position, in a bathing suit, in public. No. It's definitely not a public position!
Tai Chi? Again, not sure, but this woman spent several days putting on a little show for anyone who wanted to watch. One day, several people actually did stand and watch her! The audience didn't deter her. She was in her zone!
You can't tell from these pictures - they're grainy cell phone shots - but she was probably in her late 60's or ever older. When she did this pose, I was certain that she was going to fall flat on her face in the sand. She didn't fall, though!
Then there were these two. This picture really doesn't do it justice. It's not the fact that they are taking pictures of each other at the beach, but rather the way that they took pictures of one another. They took turns posing in all kinds of provocative postures, standing and sitting in the water. And the skinny girl had so much metal on her front teeth, that I could see them sparkling from a good distance away! Oh boy!
* I missed my family tremendously during the trip. I knew I would. I was actually a little nervous about going, for fear of succumbing to overwhelming homesickness and becoming a blubbering mess in front of people I don't know very well. But I didn't get terribly homesick. I had one phone call which choked me up a little, but otherwise, I didn't cry or get depressed because I missed them so much. I thought about them all the time. I talked about them even more, but at the end of the week, I actually felt like I could use just one more day on a vacation where, as my friend said, I didn't have to "worry about my kids drowning or being kidnapped," or taking care of a single soul other than myself. A girl could get used to that kind of life...
or maybe not...
No, I didn't cry while I was away, but when I pulled into my driveway, I saw Andrew waiting for me just inside our door. When I walked in, he said nothing but "Hi, Mom" and stood there sheepishly smiling from ear to ear. I wrapped my arms around him and tears came out of no where! I actually felt like I couldn't catch my breath for just a few moments, I was so happy to see him. My poor mother-in-law just stood there smiling. It was indeed good to be home.
Greg was like a little kid when he came home from work. He was so eager to see me, that he left his coat, cell phone and keys on the hood of his truck in the driveway and later couldn't figure out where they were! He had been on a hunting trip for almost a week before I left, so it was really a two week hiatus between Greg and me. What a sweet reunion it was! I knew I would miss him, but I really underestimated how much. I watched some of the older couples dancing with one another, and one woman in particular looked so endearingly at the man she was with. They were completely enamored with one another, and I couldn't help but think of Greg. I can see us, 30 years from now, on a dance floor somewhere, still madly in love. I don't need absence to make my heart grow fonder for him. It's already overflowing. He truly is the love of my life, and it's nice to have him within touching distance again.
Last night we played two board games with the kids before sending them off to bed, and Greg and I spent the rest of the night reconnecting with one another. I didn't unpack a thing, save for the few trinkets I brought back for the kids. I even went to bed with dishes in the sink, stuff strewn all over the counters and toys all over the living room! This morning we took the kids to a local diner for breakfast and then spent a few hours at Chuck E Cheese's. We came home and everyone took a nap. I still haven't unpacked. I'm looking at the house and the junk around me, with the knowledge that tomorrow starts the work week, the grocery shopping is yet undone and none of our stuff for the week has been prepared, and you know what? I don't really care. It'll get done. It always does. Soon enough the chaos will resume - I'll be running errands, doing chores, breaking up fights and putting in my hours at work. For today, just one more day, I'm keeping the laid back mindset I had last week. I'm spending time with my family and relishing the fact that I have made a wonderful discovery about myself - that if given the right environment, I can indeed put those pesky compulsive thoughts behind me, at least for a little while.
You know what else? While I spent this week relaxing, I wasn't only focused on myself. There were times that I felt almost dumbfounded by gratitude, just for having the opportunity to go away. I am grateful for the generosity of Sharon and her brother and sister-in-law, that I was even able to go in the first place. I am grateful for my parents, my in-laws and my husband for taking care of everything at home. And I am grateful for my wonderful boss who never batted an eye when I asked if I could have another week off directly following a 10 day Christmas break. I am blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people, and I am grateful for each and every one of them! Thank you, thank you, thank you - all of you!
I'll leave you with some a few photos from the beach. I dare you to try to imagine a week of sun and tranquil ocean waters without feeling jealous!
Bob, Pam and Sharon
Proof that I was actually there!
View from the balcony
One of Nemo's buddies!
What I looked at every single morning. What a way to start the day!
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