Go Away!

Today is a beautiful day, the perfect day for a fantastic run.  I went to work this morning as usual and headed home around 1.  Greg was home and offered to get Jake at school, so I had the freedom to run a longer run.   As I changed into my running gear, I felt incredibly tired.  This lack of sleep thing really gets to me sometimes.  No matter, I thought.  I've felt this way before and once I get moving, I'll be fine.  I'll have a good run anyway.  I gave Greg a kiss good bye and zipped off down the street. 

The first mile is frequently hard.  It's a matter of getting into the groove and getting into the right mindset.  Today's first mile was insanely hard. My legs felt like lead.  Ignore it, I thought.  I'll feel better in a few more minutes.  But I didn't feel better.  I felt worse.  It took all of my energy to put one leg in front of the next.  I even stopped and walked for a tenth of a mile at 1.75 miles!  I looked down at my jiggly thighs, stuffed like sausages into my running tights and I was disgusted.  I thought about the 5 servings of sugared almonds I ate this morning.  Move your ass, I thought! So I started running again, but it didn't matter.  I looked at my shadow and saw ripples.  Nice.  It's pretty bad when even your shadow is wiggly.  Normally the repulsion of my fat ass would motivate me to move, but today it didn't.  I was just totally drained. I forced myself to jog the rest of the route home, and logged a sad 3.75 miles at a snail's pace.  What a waste of a beautiful day.  Tomorrow will be nice weather, but I have an all day training.  Saturday we have one activity after another, and it's going to rain.  Sunday I have no one to watch Andrew, so now I can't run again outside until Monday.  *Sigh* This sucks.

I sure hope I don't feel this way on the day of the half marathon.  Maybe the $90 bib fee I paid will motivate me!  I'm hoping adrenaline will fuel me, or something.  I just pray I don't have another day like today.  I can do it, I know I can.  It's just a matter of feeling capable on any given day.  Today I didn't feel capable of much of anything.

As I was finishing my run (if you can call it that) I got madder and madder at myself.  I just kept thinking about the weight I have put on, my lack of will power, my lack of discipline (in running), my over all failures in physical fitness in general.  I try so hard to eat healthy, to exercise, and yet I always fall short anymore.  Then I feel like total hypocrite for even talking to other people about health when all I can think of is the Easter candy I just bought for the kids.  It's that same Easter candy which is jiggling in my shadow.

Then I also thought about a friend of mine who recently asked me to help her work through some of her own eating issues.  Of course I said yes.  I want to help her.  My heart goes out to her, because I completely understand the demons she is facing.  But how can I possibly be a good mentor to someone else when I'm still so messed up myself?  Will I let her down?  Will I enable her unhealthy patterns out of understanding?  I'm doubting my abilities to do her justice.  But, she knows who she picked, and she knows my issues...maybe we can help each other.  Maybe it will be good for me to hold someone else accountable.  After all, how can I expect a healthy attitude and actions from someone else when I am not following suit.?

I just don't understand how I can be so at ease, so healthy in so many areas of my life, yet still battle this food/body image monster.  It took up residence in my head around the age of 9 and never left.  It's been 25 years now.  It's time to move out and get a home of your own, buddy.

There have been times in my life that I have fought this monster with a vengeance and won.  There have been other times when I have locked arms with him and embraced his dysfunction.  Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!  But now, I am really neither fighting nor joining.  I'm at a crossroads.  I don't want to allow it to take over my life, but I don't have the energy to fight any more either.  I'm exhausted.  I just want to be done with it.

I always thought that the answers would all become apparent to me in my 30's.  Women in their 30's are grown, confident, young and energetic - no longer green and inexperience, but not yet washed up either.  I was wrong.  The 30's have been kind to me in many ways.  I am happier and healthier than I ever imagined on so many levels, but the food issues remain.  They linger, constantly nagging at me, breaking down my energy.  Instead of eradicating it, the dysfunction has simply evolved with me.  Resilient little bugger!

I'm tired of it.  I pray to God to take away the demon.  Pull him out of my head, but I know that it is not God's job to eradicate my self made monsters.  I need to find a way to handle it myself.  I'm still searching.